A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was adopted by my stepdad when I was 8, he is the only father I have ever known.. We have always been close, but became even closer when I was pregnant with my son and my husband left me, my mum and stepdad were there will I gave birth and my stepdad (who can't have children) grow so close to my son and treated him like a son, we both grew closer when my mum sadly passed away, I can't count the amount of times we have both broke down and literally scrapped each other off the floor, I love my stepdad with all my heart.. I desperatly wanted him too meet someone and finally 5 years after mum passed he did.. She seemed very nice and I was so pleased for him.. Up untill that point he had been having my son too stay every other weekend..He would also come 2 my every Sunday 4 dinner, I gently said he might have to stop this as she might want some alone time with him.. and it did and he only had my son every other month.. My son has downs and is quite a handful at times but everyone adored him...but in the last year since my dads girlfriend moved in and they married she won't let my son stay as she says he is too hard to handle.. She is often iffish with my son ( who's now 14) and she said he's not welcome.. This is causing a huge fight between my dad and her, my dad even left.. But she is stickng too her guns and won't my son stay.. My dad has too stay with us overnight to spend quality time with him.. I haven't ever interfered but last weekend at my dads birthday she screamed at my son when he sung happy birthday very loudly (something he can't control due to the downs) I saw a red mist and stood up and attacked her I grabbed her and slapped her face really hard then shouted and screamed and swore like a trooper at her about how angry I was that she treated my disabled son like that.... She's now told my dad he can't see us unless I say sorry to her... and I won't.. Esp as she says my sons still not welcome and he's never done anything to her... Help what do I do?? My son cruz cause he misses my dad so much.. My dad said it's making him ill, and could I say sorry for him??? What do I do 4 the best??
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (19 November 2009):
 First of all, try to calm down as you still seem angry. I don't blame you for being angry as I think I would feel the same way since the step-mum seems difficult. But leave it until the steam is no longer blowing out of your ears before taking any action.
It is up to your step-Dad to sort out access to your son with his wife. If she won't have him in their home then the compromise would be for your step-Dad to come to your place. It may not be ideal but at least that way your son keeps in contact. It is up to your step-Dad to stand up to this woman and say that he is seeing the boy whether she likes it or not. You could say sorry, but only say it if you mean it. In your shoes, I would say 'sorry' for hitting her but not 'sorry' for being angry at her treatment of your child. I don't think violence is the answer even though I am sympathetic to you and your situation. I think you should try not to alienate this woman too much as she will just get in the way of your relationship with your step-Dad. He definitely needs to stand up to her as she cannot dictate what he does. You need to say this to him and agree to a partial apology (sorry for hitting you, not sorry for being angry with you). I also think you need to try to explain the whole situation to your son. His learning disability may make him over-sensitive to other people's emotional turmoil or he may think his step-Dad doesn't like him anymore. I just think he needs to be included in the discussion as he is probably confused, but he probably doesn't need to hear that this woman doesn't like him.
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