A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:im eighteen and still in school and am planing on coming back for year thirteen but i have a huge problem. im in a relationship with my maori teacher 23 yrs old and we have been together for one year now. and now few weeks ago he told me that his family wants him to settle down. obviously we werent planing on anything serious in our relationship but now i have just found out im pregnant by him. and i dont know how to tell him or anyone. i know my family will be not happy. they are really strict and religous. which i am also but i really love my boyfriend and i want to have the baby. but i dont think he would want it too. so please tell me what i can do. should i not have the baby. should i not tell him. i mean i am eighteen and adult lawfully. im confused and scared. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (11 November 2010):
 Okay, take a deep breath. Cast your mind back to before you became sexually active with him. Did you discuss what would happen if you became pregnant? Hopefully, you will have discussed it and you just need to remember what you decided.
Another deep breath. Right, this situation reminds me of driver's education training. When you are in a car going 60 miles per hour, it's very hard to negotiate turns and see the obstacles and hazards in front of you. If you slow down, to 30 mph, for example, suddenly, the scene changes, you have time to see what's ahead of you and around the next bend. It is better to approach this very calmly and slowly, slow down, don't get ahead of yourself.
We have several issues here. First, you are pregnant. Second, what is the future of your relationship with your boyfriend. And third, how are you going to manage this in the context of your strict and religious family. Finally, there is the serious legal issue facing your boyfriend, who has had sex with a student. His career is probably over, but that's really his problem right now.
Tackle these issues one at a time, in slow motion. No one can tell what to do about the baby, it is your decision ultimately, you will have to make the best one for yourself at this point in your life.
So, what are your options with the pregnancy? As I see it, you have these: abortion, carrying the baby and giving it up for adoption to a couple who cannot have a baby, and carrying the baby and then keeping it. I will not presume to tell you which is the best one for you.
I believe that adults having sex have to face the consequences of this decision, and if he is the father of this baby, he is entitled to know about it. Maybe this will be a huge life lesson for him, one that he needed to experience. Obviously, it is a major life lesson for you, sorry you have to experience it, but you are where you are. The question is where you go from here, as you are very acutely aware.
So then you tackle the question of the relationship with him. Are you really prepared for a life-long commitment to him right now, at this stage in your life? Only you know the answer to this. Obviously, he has his own life dreams and plans.
I'd say tell him, be prepared for shock and disbelief, give him time, a couple of days even, for him to process it and think about what would be best from his perspective. You've had some time to think about it, he hasn't. Obviously, you carrying the baby and getting together with him will be proof that he was having a sexual relationship with a student, and he will likely lose his job. He should prepare for that if this is the tack you choose to take together.
I hope your family is religious in the sense that forgiveness and loving acceptance is a part of their faith vocabulary and creed. Strict, well, that's a bit moot, at this point, isn't it? Depending on your decision with regard to the pregnancy, you may or may not have to tell them. This conversation would probably be easier if you have decided what to do with the pregnancy and with the boyfriend before you sit down with them.
Okay. There's a framework for you to ponder on, a place to start to get your muddled thinking cleared up so you canmake the best possible decision for yourself.
Here is a link for you to find counseling services for you as well as medical care: http://www.familyplanning.org.nz/
As you are aware, prenatal care is essential to a healthy baby and if you choose abortion, the earlier you decide to have that procedure, the better. Get yourself medical care now, if you haven't already.
Good luck to you.
A
male
reader, Kenj  +, writes (11 November 2010):
 I think you should tell him, he does have a right to know.
Tell him when your both alone together, he may need time to take it in.
You and him can decide together about your options.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): tell him. he his also responsible for the baby and i dont think you should go through anything alone. and as for your family i think they should understand and you are an adult. but i definetly think you should talk to you boyfriend. who knows he might agree with you, if he loves you back than i dont think he will leave you in a situation like this. gud luck.
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