A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for almost four years now and the sex totally sucks. He comes in a minute or less. I've tried talking to him, screaming at him, crying to him...i've totally lost control. Of course all the talking and complaining has gotten to him and made the situation worse and more uncomfortable. I love him but I don't know if I can't take this any longer. I'm constantly dreaming and day dreaming of other ppl. I don't want to cheat, I don't want to leave...what do I do?
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ejaculation, sex life Reply to this Question
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male
reader, jlr102846 +, writes (10 December 2008):
I'm wondering why a premature ejaculation necessarily has to be that much of a problem. A man isn't limited to one ejaculation anymore than a woman is limited to a single orgasm during love making. If he comes too soon, simply take the time to arouse him again. Forget screaming or crying. Perhaps a second gentle round of extended foreplay accompanied by additional oral or manual stimulation of his penis. Once aroused, his second erection will last significantly longer. I would also suggest that you take the initiative and top position. In a sitting position astride your partner you have control of both the rhythm and the level of penetration that best suits your physical needs rather than his. My wife often takes great pleasure in bringing me to ejaculation as many times as she can during a love making session. Interestingly, the less sperm and seminal fluid I have left, the more intense the orgasm.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): I was married for 16 years to a man with this problem. I tried to talk to him about it..he just couldn't control it. He would tell me "don't move" the minute he penetrated me. Talk about frustrating. I got to the point where I lost interest in sex, felt like there was something wrong with me. Eventually met men who I found myself sexually interested in, didn't act on that, because I was a "good girl". After a while I met someone and the desire that I had lost years before was so strong I knew I had to act. I talked to my husband, asked for a divorce and moved on. I suffered terrible guilt over leaving (there were other issues in the marriage as well, but honestly I think we could have survived them if we had a more intimate and fulfilling marriage). But I rediscovered my sexuality and felt more fulfilled as a person. It's hard, but sex is a very important part of intimacy and intimacy is key in making the difference in having a true partner as opposed to just someone you live with, a housemate. Don't yell at him...try to make him more comfortable with his sexuality...be a little dirty..watch some porn with him..get him to masturbate in front of you, study the way he touches himself, talk gently..tease him with your touch. I think a lot of the problem with men with this problem is their attitude towards sex, try to help him change that. If you can't this will probably never work. Sex is certainly not the most important thing in a relationship, but it is important enough to be a deal breaker.Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): I'm crossing my fingers for your sucess. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI like the first idea...thank you for the clear explanation..I will get back to you in a week...hope its helpful.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): Good Luck. Let us know how you got on!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): Thanks for the update, now at least I understand what caused you to react in such a manner and it is not your usual behaviour. I can now understand the frustration you feel (that other aunts so clearly picked up on) with this lazy man who has bothered to seek advice to provide you with the relief you need.
Think of him as consisting of two parts. Him your partner, and his brother called Johnny. (Penis) Now both your partner and Johnny like sex, but usually a man has enough sense to get advice on how to control Johnny (Penis) and get him to do the things you want him to do. Unfortuately your partner is lazy and has let Johhny become spoilt and allowed to do anything he wants. It is now time for you to take control. As smiles has mentioned it is best to use the stop method, as this is what is recommended.
Make him an ultimatium, tell him how close you are to finding somebody else to give you the good sex you need. He has to give you control of Johnny (penis) he's not allowed to get any relief unless you allow it by giving him the special "magic" word.
Now, your in ownership of Johnny (penis) you got to train it like a dog. Start manual foreplay, everytime Johnny looks too excited then tap him hard and say "stop". I'm not sure but a small tap around the balls may hurt the most. Continue this for several minutes and then ask your partner to give you manual or oral relief.
This is a retraining for Johnny (penis) it's not to punish your partner, but get Johnny to wait before he comes. Continue the practice for about a week, and then try sexual intercourse. In the middle of sexual intercourse if he gets excited then say "stop" and make him get off and start foreplay again.....
I hope you get the idea. He's not allowed to come without your permission. Don't be unkind and make it too hard (pun) sometimes you may have to give in and allow Johnny (penis) some relief as well.
If this proves too hard, you could also try the opposite technique. Allow him to have several orgasms one after the other, but save the last one for yourself, he should be able to stay longer each time he becomes aroused.
I don't know what your going to do about your stupid lazy partner, I'm running out of space to tell you what you can do with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSlowlying down makes no difference,as soon as he feels himself coming he speeds it up. Foreplay doesn't help either , it excites him more. There's only so much oral sex i can have...i need to feel the penetration. I want to be able to make love, to fight and have make up sex, to have passion. Once he comes, it usually does not get hard again.
At the begining of our relation I tried talking about it. I encouraged him to see a Dr. which was a waste of time. Since then he has not gone to another for a second opinion nor has he done research. After a while, it just got me upset so I spoke firmly and blunty. Now, I just break down into tears and sometimes argue about it. I understand that this does not help. My intentions were never to hurt or bring him down, I just wanted to get through to him. It hurts to know I've made it harder for him to function. I was ignorant and impulsive. I've realize that he is not being selfish and it is not something he can control because he really is struggling with it and that makes me sad.
I wanna thank all of you who took the time out to write back with good advice but without being condensending and mean. I appreciate the help :)
I will experiment with all the suggestions given to me....condoms,creams etc. Hopefully with a little improvement, I can work on boosting his confidence and I guess we'll take it from there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): I have empathy with you,you must be very frustrated and feeling almost helpless,but have you in 4 years never considered getting profesional advise.
Have you practised the "squeeze technique" at all?
If not, I suggest you start doing that!
It is very helpfull and is recommended by most sex therapist for pre-mature ejaculation.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): That must be very fustrating for you. But it muxt also be very fustrating and upsetting for him too. I don't think he can help this and it's probably making him feel very low that he can't satisfy you.
Try condoms that mhave a special lobrication that numbs the penis a little... It should help him last a little longer.
Maybe if you got him to pleasure you in other ways until yuo were just at the tip of climaxing before you started penetration you'd feel less fustrated.
Maybe you could ask him to see a doctor just to get checked out and make sure everythings ok and that it's not a medical reason for his early climaxing.
Good Luck. x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): My gosh, it's a wonder that you have a boyfriend at all after all of this. Screaming, crying, talking... what are you trying to do, stop premature ejaculation by making sure this man is too frightened to have sex ever again. Your scary, very scary, this man must love you very much.
Right, now, he's not trying to hurt you, it's not something he knows how to control magically, and as you've found out screaming, shouting and crying has made things much worse for you. I've written an answer to this before, but because of your selfish behaviour, I doubt that he will be able to relax and get this thing to work.
Contact your doctor and see if you can both apply for sexual therapy, or try to find a therapist privately. There are many things you can do to rectify this, but as I said a man first needs to feel relaxed and comfortable with his sexual partner to overcome this. It is doubtfull that he can do this as long as your bad behaviour continues like this.
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A
female
reader, Kami  +, writes (19 June 2008):
I feel for you chick, it must depressing. Have you not tried bringing him close then stop, bringing him close then stop and carry on, its meant to actually make it better for them anyway! Or you could use condoms cos it makes things slower for a lot of guys. Or try using ice, it then will numb him a bit.
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A
male
reader, Samhamss +, writes (19 June 2008):
The thing is that you need to be understanding. I seriously doubt he wants to ejaculate prematurely, that's just plain embarrassing for a guy. I must say, the ways you reacted were kind of mean, I don't know why he's put up with it. I think you should have done research on similar kinds of problems. There are creams and whatnot to help slow this. Condoms are also good to slow it down. The problem is that maybe sex is just such an intense idea for him that he gets started. I hope that you two can fix your problems, and remember, that when it comes to problems with sex, you must be very understanding for your partner, because in the end, he most likely is upset that he can't please you, and you're just adding insult to injury. I don't wish to sound malicious, but try and be a little more compassionate, I understand this has been a problem for a while, but patience is the key with this kind of thing.
Best of Wishes
Sam
X
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): Dump the kid and start dating a man. If you really want to keep your boy toy, try getting him to cum a few times before intercorse by giving him blow jobs, hand jobs, titie f*ck, etc. Encourage him to masterbate more.
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A
female
reader, uraqt9697 +, writes (19 June 2008):
Hi there,
I can imagine how frustrating this is for you.
Do you use condoms? Sometimes condoms slow things down a bit.
Does he come so quickly because hes really getting into it? Maybe you could remind him to slow down. If you guys dont engage in foreplay, try doing that for awhile. Get him really excited and then stop right before he comes, and then have sex.
There are also toys/lotions designed to help with this. There are numbing lotions he can use.
Do you feel that hes being selfish when he comes so quickly? I was in a similar situation, and I think I was more frustrated that my needs werent being met, and I felt like the person didnt care......Let me know what you think of these, or if you've tried any of these things
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