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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I'm looking for advice on how to overcome a porn addiction. I started viewing it during my teenage years out of curiosity and then eventually started masturbating to it, and have been doing that for the past 8 years or so (since I was 22- I am now 30, nearly 31). The activity has lost all pleasure for me it is just a compulsion and I get cravings for it and must view and satisfy myself to it in order to stop the obsessive thoughts. But then a few minutes later I feel stressed and agitated again. I also have found myself looking at porn for longer and longer each day, in my teen years I was more than satisfied with soft core still images for only a few seconds at a time, but I have since moved through just about every sort of pornography there is (except child porn). Nowadays I look at it for probably 1-2 hours a day, a few times a day, mostly because it takes me a long time to reach climax to the images which are less and less arousing to me. I often find myself resenting or even despising the people in the pornography, thinking how disgusting they are and how disgusting I am. And even though it distresses me so much I can't stop myself from doing it.I have lost 2 jobs because of being caught looking at it (and pleasuring myself) during work hours which was awfully embarrassing. Though I have a job again, I struggle not to use my bosses computer to look at it when he is absent from his office. Luckily this job does not allow me to spend much time in front of computer screens and I am almost never alone so I cannot view it. I have also lost a long term girlfriend (of 6 years) to it, she was the love of my life and stuck by me for several years as I tried to battle my demons but eventually it got to be too much for her. I mourn the loss of her every day, she has since moved on and has been with another man for 3 years, they are now engaged. Every time I see her I see what I could have had. The resulting depression is leading me even deeper into pornography (on days when I see her I am so depressed and I usually spend upwards of 6 hours in the evening viewing pornography and attempting to pleasure myself- sometimes I stay up all night and am tired for work the next day). The loss of her in my life is by far the worst thing to come of my addiction but in addition, I have lost a few short term relationships after the women caught me looking at it and decided that they didn't want to be with a man who has so many issues. I don't blame them. The depression from my condition has driven me to self hatred and self pity, and alcohol, I binge drink through the weekends. I haven't dated in about 3 years as a result and worse have lost all craving for actual physical sex which I enjoyed a lot at one point. I haven't had sex in years, and I wish I could say I miss it but I think I've forgotten what is good about it because I never crave it, I only crave porn. The worst thing is whenever I try to broach the subject with close male friends they tell me that they do it too and I shouldn't worry so much about it. They refuse to listen to me when I emphasize how distressed I am. I don't think they believe me when I say I'm addicted. I'm too embarrassed to reveal the full scope of my addiction- they don't know I was caught masturbating at work, for instance. I have no support system, it's not as if I can talk about this with my family, for obvious reasons, and I have no partner in life who can support me through this. My close friends, as I said, are largely dismissive, I think because they are also addicted to it, perhaps to a lesser extent, however. I am embarrassed to go to a therapist about this, I have no idea where else to turn, I was wondering if there is an easy way to overcome this, and if anyone out there has any firsthand experience with it... I am getting desperate and fed up of feeling lonely and depressed and angry at myself over this.Sorry for the novel, I have never had the chance to reach out about this before.
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at work, depressed, engaged, my boss, porn Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): Hi
I can relate to your situation, as I have paid a similar price for spending way too much time looking at porn. It screwed up my studies, my most treasured relationship and my self-esteem.
Just like you, I also hear about my ex-girlfriend - how she is happily married now, has a child. Basically everything in her life got better as soon as she dumped me for being addicted to porn.
But instead of motivating me to change and meet someone else and get on with my life... the pain of losing her just drove me back to porn. It was always there for me, and I could just switch off from the painful realities of my life for a while. No wonder it's so addictive.
My friends didn't get the problem either, and I didn't want to see a therapist or go to a 12-step group. For a self-help approach, I can recommend Jason McClain's book and website (http://www.porngameover.com). Quitting porn and learning to forgive myself was a tough trip, but 100% possible.
I hope this is of some help.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): There are several more web-sites that offer help and support. npsupport.net has a very active board for men to support each other and recoverynation has professionals to help guide you through their recovery program.I don't know what country you live in, but in the usa, there is a network of sex addicts anonymous meetings you can attend.You are taking the right steps, first by admitting it's controlling you and second by reaching out and talking about it. Without you knowing it, you have taken the first two steps towards recovery. With the desire for change, your prognosis is good.Not to scare you, but all addictions are progressive. The degree to which they take over the individual's life varies but it all gets worse over time. This particular addiction is very isolating and your isolation will get worse. Please don't waste another day, get help right away :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): Your not at all alone here, I relate to your story completely and am looking for my own solution at the moment - I hear there are groups such as 'sex and love' anonymous etc... I agree, addictions such as this can not be overcome alone.
I'm feeling depressed about it myself and have also been watching it at work - I'm a lone worker but the Director does occassional pop in and I had some lucky escapes.
I keep deleting it but end up looking again - its just so easy with the internet.
I too am in a longterm relationship but I haven't explained the extent of how much porn I watch.
Other men who watch porn in a normal manner will not understand, only those who cant stop will, the fact that you cant suggests your a sex addict ..please feel reassured - Its a nightmare but your not alone and there is help out there.
Your question has helped me realise that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): Hey,
I really sympathize with you plight. I fell into a similar situation from a young age but managed to pull myself away before it had taken control. Please don't feel ashamed for what is happening, it's a sad situation to be in, but you're making the first step to improving. I thoroughly recommend seeing a psychologist to help you get through the process. There is nothing to be embarrased about wanting to change, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be proud, in control and free again. If taking that step seems too hard right now, try this website first, it has forums you can use to help get you on the right track. Don't let this control your life, take charge.
http://www.no-porn.com/
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): Hey, I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm 22 now and have been hooked since I was 14. I am in a loving, caring relationship with a girl I want to marry in a few years. She knows about my addiction, but I still struggle with not viewing it. I'll go for an extended period of time without viewing it, 2-6 weeks, and then I'll fall back in to my old habits, knowing full well how painful it is for her. Because I can never hide it. I always feel so guilty about it that I end up telling her. It hurts her so bad every time. And I feel worthless and a horrible human being. Even now am crying as I type this. I am so sick of the addiction. Of the pain I cause to my girlfriend. I can't tell you how many times I have tried to stop. It is a vicious cycle. I meet regularly with a psychologist for depression and she has recommended I see a licensed professional in regards to sexual addictions. That is what I'm going to do. And that is what I'm recommending you to do. Based on the severity of your addiction, you cannot conquer this alone. You will need another person to confide in and help you overcome your addction. We cannot win every fight alone. Good luck to you. If you're interested in staying in touch, that would be great. Having someone to root for you always makes it a little bit easier.
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