A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I really really need help! Please take a moment to read my dilemma - I have 2 little girls and I desperately need advice... :( ITS LONG I'M SORRY BUT ANY ADVICE AT ALL WOULD BE SO WONDERFULMy partner and I are on a break. We have been together 3 years - 1st year he was an alcoholic and refused to work - I stuck by him - I didn't realise he had problems when we got together as he hid it well but I instictively knew something was wrong within 12 wks. We loved each other very much. 18 months in he stops drinking and our relationship is the strongest its ever been - he still works sporadically. Last yr he found his career as a chef...and completely changed...again! We were great until he switched jobs and moved out in April although physically our relationship has been a bit lacklustre since Jan 08...I want sex, he seems to have lost his sex drive...He moved out coz he cant drive and now rarely comes home - prefering to stay away with all the people who work and live where he works...he has also started smoking cannabis on a regular basis (it "relaxes" him after a hard day) which I have given him grief over...By his own admission he is enjoying his single life... :( the freedom to do whatever he wants...whilst I feel all resentful, bitter and rejected at home with 2 children under 2! He says I try to police him, but again by his own admission he has an addictive personality and throughout our relationship I have had to try to steer him in the right direction else he'd be a total waster!Also, 1 of the guys who works with him has a fairly new girlfriend - she's just turned 18 and has a 6 month old baby by a guy who sadly left her a while back - but she's flirting with my bf...and he told me she's sound and he thinks she's cute :( He says they both flirt and they both know they like each other - I'm devastated :( Every time I see him I get insanely jealous - imagining this is why he wants to stay at work - to hang out with an 18yr old girl with a bf AND a baby rather than his own family :( We end up spending any time with me sniping about her coz I feel so insecure and jealous - he put the thoughts in my head :(PLEASE HELP ME!!!! Any advice/criticism/help is SO gratefully received...I am going out of my mind...all I want is my family back together again :( I need to know how I can try to make things better. He says he still loves me to bits but needs time, but in the last 6 weeks we've spent 5 nights together!! Now we're both on hols and he'd rather be at his place of work than home with me :( Again to be fair I usually lose the plot with him and end up shouting and crying coz I don't know what I've done so wrong to push him away :( Surely to fix things we need to spend some time having fun together?THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING xx
View related questions:
a break, alcoholic, at work, flirt, insecure, jealous, moved out, sex drive Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, squares  +, writes (19 August 2009):
Dear Darling,Okay, so here's the deal. You are not being unreasonable. This man is sucking the life out of you, and as you may have heard it is impossible to change someone who does not want to be changed. This man does not want to be changed and so is no longer worth your time. He doesn't put any effort into his relationship with you: what you want and need don't matter. Would you have your little girls growing up in an environment where they see Mommy being walked all over and their dad showing little to no respect for her? If this is what they see now, your relationship is what their future relationships will be like. They can't have this as their model. Teach your daughters that in order to get what they want they have to be able to stand up for themselves. They deserve good men and good relationships and you have to demonstrate what these are. Trust me when I tell you, they will remember what they see you experiencing now.As for the alcoholism and marijuana use: would you let strangers with these habits around your family? You are the sole parent to your girls, you have to stand up for yourself and make the required decisions, you don't need a man-child mucking things up. Please, don't let him decide your future for you. Currently you have nothing to lose. He shouldn't be disrespectful of your wishes and flaunting 18 year olds in your face. That is wrong and you should not stand for it. Have confidence and have pride darling, fight your way out of this mess. I understand you miss him, but it's the same thing with diets: for the initial period we miss all the stuff we know is bad for us, but then we feel much better for cutting it out of our lives. The same applies here. You will miss him and you will feel bitter and resentful but once it fades and you're on your own feet you'll feel much better, if only because you'll finally have control and stability in your life. The qualities should not be underrated as they are important for your overall sanity. Saving your family is as simple as taking it away from this awful man. You deserve so much better sweetheart. There are plenty of caring men who will love you just as you are without any of the alcoholism, marijuana use and emotional abuse he's putting you and your daughters through.Keep in mind in the moments of difficulty: A relationship is only a good one if it causes you more happiness than sadness. The second the balance switches, something is wrong. This isn't your fault, and you can't fix this. Cut your losses as best you can.Best of luck,Squares
|
