A
female
age
,
*uzy1221
writes:Dear Cupid!I am 46, and live with a man, 43 for almost 2 years now. We moved in together after 2 months of meeting each other. Money is not the reason why we decided to live together, but companionship and attractiveness were my reasons and his too (so he told me). He didn't really talk about his feelings or what he liked about me then, but at the beginning it didn't bother me. I thought eventually he would feel comfortable telling me how he feels about things in general. Well, things got even worse. He only talks when he wants to share things about cars that he fixes, or a motorcycle that he has been putting together for a while. Otherwise he reads the newspaper, listens to the radio or goes to bed and stays there awake quietly. He was sexually very interested in me then, but now if I want sex I have to make the move. When we go anywhere, his eyes are always checking other females.Please help me to understand. I'm about to give up.
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reader, suzy1221 +, writes (5 August 2008):
suzy1221 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your wisdom and time to answer my question.
A
female
reader, sappygirl  +, writes (4 August 2008):
 living together after two months is definitely rushing things. Now you see how things are,..it's never too late to walk away. His actions shows that he's not ready for a committed relationship. He's emotionally detach AND he has a wandering eye. I think you deserve better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): Very good advice given to you from below. Listen, hun, I can understand your concerns. Because it seems you have a partner in your life, that can't or won't 'give back' to the building of this relationship. It seems he treats you simply like a 'roomate'. Both of you are 100% responsible for making this relationship, the best it can be for each other. This is just not your job.
So 4 key things are possibly happening here and you need to choose which one applies to your situation:
1) he could be a quiet man by nature who keeps things inside and can't express himself and his feelings, as you pointed out. If he is, then you must work with him, to letting him know what needs to be done. Communication, not complaining, being annoyed or frustrated...but talking in a mature, open way.
2) he's gotten lazy and feels comfortable. Too comfortable..so much so that he feels he doesn't have to work at this. How wrong he is. A good, healthy relationship requires ongoing mutual hard work on the part of both people. Again, truthful communication, not complaining, being annoyed or frustrated...but talking in a mature, open way. Set some boundaries.
3) he's unaware. Has he ever been in a long term relationship before? Does he not understand the dynamics of a love relationship. If so, you must calmly ask him for more and communicate that to him, honestly and with integrity. Let him know what you need. Tell him "I am still here" and that you need more givingness and caring from him, in return. Ask for that and expect it...you should have it. Set some boundaries.
4) or more sadly and I hate to bring this key point up. He's he is just clocking time with you, until a better offer comes along and I am sorry to put it that way because if sex is not a priority with him anymore and he's checking out other females, he could have grown complacent and doesn't seem to care. Yes, it's a fact, that men are visual and do check out other female forms, but most are careful to be respectful, when in the company of their lady love. If he's obvious about this and doesn't seem to care how you feel, then that is a big red flag. If you feel this is the case, then I think you know what to do.
But what ever you do here, you have to remain calm and keep your emtional integrity, intact.. You have a right to expect love and attention in return. Because from what I read, you are feeling low in regards to the way he's not giving back. If nothing works, such as the open, truthful communication, it means the relationship has run it's course and you need to bail, before this takes you down further. Good luck my dear and be strong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): The first lustful feelings at the start of any relationship seldom last all that long. Perhaps moving in together after only 2 months wasn't such a brilliant idea, although I dare say at the time it seemed the sensible thing to do. You didn't spend enough time together beforehand to really get to know each other. If you knew then what you know now you wouldn't have moved in with him would you?
It seems to me that you have little in common and unless you start to talk to each other and find some common interests other than a physical attraction (which now seems to have faded somewhat as far as he's concerned), this relationship will hit the rocks sooner rather than later. If you can't do that, perhaps it would be better not to prolong the agony and go your separate ways.
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