A
male
age
51-59,
*ubbster
writes:First, may I commend you on this site. I stumbled across it like everyone else here because I recently had a relationship end that I am struggling to come to terms with, and understand how things are as they are now. The other issue I have is that despite looking for direction and support online since things ended four weeks ago, I have not been able to find anyone that has been in the same situation I now find myself in (I apologise in advance for the length of my post) . I'm a 43 year old gay man and in May 2013 I started chatting to another guy online who identified himself as bisexual. I had recently come out of a bad relationship of two and a half years, and wasn't looking for anything serious at all, so the fact that he just wanted a casual relationship suited me fine. He lived with a woman, the only woman he has ever slept with, and had a son who at the time was fourteen. They had been together twenty years, and he was the stay at home dad as she had a very successful career ($14000 take home pay a month). Before we met for the first time he told me that two years prior to this he had been involved in a four year relationship with a lawyer who was not out and secretive about his sexuality, he also had convinced his partner they were just friends, so they were able to see a lot of each other. When things became serious between them, he got drunk one night and told her. She went, understandably, crazy and threatened the lawyer that if he didn't stay away, she would 'out' him to his co workers and family. This sent my ex into a year long period of depression before he moved on. He has been having secret encounters with men since about 2002. When we met, we got on like a house on fire. I still kept my options open--wasn't allowed to contact him at weekends or when she was there--so I still went on dates etc. However, after about a month, it was obvious we were falling for each other big time. I still told him that it was impossible because of his situation. In July of last year, he returned to his home country with her and his son, with the (her) idea of sorting out a venue for their wedding. He told me that this was clearly idiocy because he is gay (he has known this since he was a teenager but through societal pressure went through with producing a grandchild for his mum etc.) And he managed to convince her that it wasn't a good idea right now. This is when I started to wonder what sort of person she must be, given the previous situation with the lawyer. Even if he was the father of her son, I personally couldn't imagine a worse humiliation than he had put her through. We carried on seeing each other, more regularly and by now I was smitten. I know you hear this from everyone here, but we were soul mates. Had the same interests, humour and outlook on life. I truly believe it's something you can't fake. We literally couldn't stop looking at each other, laughing and were so tactile. He became more angry and down about his situation, that he had to go back home every night and at weekends, until one night last September when he got drunk and left his phone on the kitchen counter. He'd got into the habit of deleting all of the messages between us on a regular basis because she (understandably!) would go through his phone on a regular basis, and on this occasion she saw the last day's worth of messages between us and the secret was out. What followed up until last Christmas, was a turbulent couple of months where she was in turn devastated and angry, but where I could see him more openly and we could spend the odd night together. Things reached a head in Christmas 2013. His mother and brother were visiting and on the 27th, she became more and more aggressive and unpredictable as the wine flowed. She ended up causing a situation where she said 'Why don't you tell them what you are doing?' So he did. He came out to his mother and brother and was so angry about her behaviour, he said he was leaving and coming over to see me. Her response was to call their son downstairs and say 'before you go, tell him', which he did. Upsetting as this was, his son dealt with the news (and has subsequently) in a remarkably mature way. He spent about a week with me before going back to the house he owns with her to sort things out. Between January and March of 2014, the situation continued as before, seeing me regularly but still living there. At the end of March he made the decision to move in with me, and this is where the issues begin. Because he hadn't had any sort of defined career path while bringing up his son, he was worried about money. He is a qualified electrician, and had enough work to pay the rent and live a decent enough life--but he knew he had to get a regular permanent job in the trade to have more security. Our relationship went from strength to strength. He knew what he had to do to make things with us succeed and I had never been happier with a partner and he felt the same. We went on holidays (on one I met his mother, who being very close to his ex and her grandson, was very offhand) and he took me back to his home country to meet his father. His dad said to us "You stay with him. He has your best interests at heart--standing on your own to feet, becoming independent and getting away from the influence of the two women who have ruled your life (his ex and his mother)" He also said he'd never seen his son so happy. Throughout this period, I started to become increasingly frustrated with what I saw as his ex's position in his priorities. I never ever denied him time with his son (he saw him every day after work to make his dinner, before she would get in). But I was starting to question why he needed to be there two nights a week to look after a 15 yr old, given that on occasion when it suited her, they'd both go out to meet mutual friends and leave their son on his own. Every Friday, she insisted that they maintain the old routine of family time, so he'd stay over there and come home Saturday afternoons. After a couple of months of this, I felt that this was inappropriate--that the main social night of the week I was denied time with him, and that what was actually happening was the son was going up to bed at eleven and for the remaining hours it was the two of them drinking, arguing or talking. I told him I'd like to spend every other Friday with him and on those weeks he could go over to theirs on Sunday morning and stay there all day and night. I figured that if the real motive behind these Fridays was family time then a whole day and whole night on a Sunday was actually more quality time for them to be together. In July, he went back to his home country with her to visit his mother and to celebrate his son's 15th birthday. Before he went, he had been trying to gain financial help from his mother and father and was also appealing to his ex that she should help him, given that the house they had was in both of their names and he had given up having a career of his own to bring up their son. They all refused--his mother is wealthy but clearly didn't approve of his decision to move in with me. His father said he'd help once he could see some results his son was standing on his own two feet and his ex refused point blank to fund what she saw as a life with me. He told me before they all left for the ten day trip that he would call and text me, but despite my getting increasingly concerned and contacting him-he didn't reply until the very end of the trip. This was a pattern in our relationship--whenever he was with her or his mother, he wouldn't text me, and on the odd occasion before I learned this and would text him she would apparently start getting angry, that I was 'in her house'. When he got back, he told me the trip had been terrible, that both his ex and mother had been on at him the whole time to move back in with her and his son and there had been a lot of arguments. Over the following couple of months, August and September 2014, I noticed that things between him and her seemed to be calming down. She started to tell her friends that they had split up (she's an extremely private person and her whole point of existing and earning all of her money was apparently all for my ex and her son). She even told him that once he found a job, she would sort the house out and give him what was due. However during this time, I started to feel that she still had equal footing with me in his affections. I accused him of spinning plates, of trying to make two people happy that it was impossible to make happy at the same time. That I felt he loved me no more or no less than he cared about upsetting her. He started making up things to me, so that he wouldn't have to let her down. For example, he once said he had to take his son to the airport but I found out his son had already flown the previous day and what he was actually doing was going out with her and mutual friends, which he knew, being a weekend day, would upset me. We rowed on that occasion, and when he got to her, upset about it, she sent him straight back to me saying 'if this relationship is as important to you as you say, then go back and sort it out and stop lying about things'. Throughout all of this, I kept saying to him that if he loved and cared for her as much as he said (and should), he had to set her free and put a little distance between himself and her so that she could meet a man that could love her in the right way too. I'd see texts from her which were written in a style you'd expect to see between a man and a wife, and still her whole life was based around the times he'd be there. He felt incredibly guilty about the sadness he had caused her, and after one big row with her where he told her that I was the love of his life and that he had found his soul mate in me, she was unobtainable for two days, and he broke down in pieces thinking something had happened to her. In October, we found out we would have to move to a new flat while we were on holiday. I told him that this was crunch time, that he would now have to get a job so that after six months in a temporary place that would have to be in my name only for credit referencing purposes (given his patchy employment history), we could get somewhere in both his name. I also got him to confess to me that part of the reason he was keeping her so sweet and close was that he was insecure and frightened about his prospects and didn't want to jeopardise the security blanket she would provide if things all went wrong, to which I told him I was appalled. But overall, he was more excited than I was about our new start, and we had the most fantastic holiday, full of love and laughter. When we returned at the start of November, we managed to find a very small flat in the short time window we had to move, that happened to be just a ten minute walk from where his ex and son lived. I actually thought this would be a good thing, as it meant he would just be up the road if needed, and on some of the nights in the week she went out, we could still be together or go out locally as he would just be minutes away (and his son is 15yrs old!). Well, from the minute we moved in, he went into one of his dark moods. He had suffered periodically with depression throughout our relationship, and would for some days at a time go into what he described as 'one of his caves' always about his finances. I used to tell him 'you need to start being proactive. Do your CV. Start looking for a job.' But because he actually had several projects on the go and was working long hours every day, so would come home tired and not get much done. The whole time this was going on, she kept saying to him, 'come back here and get yourself sorted out without having to pay rent' but he always refused and said his life was with me. But throughout November, I noticed he was spending more and more time up at the house and seemed to not want to be here as much-the flat is very small and not ideal, but even he would say it was just a start for us. We began to argue more, and I felt he was engineering them by being so negative and closed to my suggestions and attempts to make him feel more positive. At the end of the month, I said to him 'you always promised me that you'd make this work, that you would do everything to make me happy, that you would marry me one day. To which he repsonded 'well perhaps things in the beginning are rose tinted'. I asked him how long this bleakness was going to go on for and he said 'Well if things are no better by the end of January, then I will call it a day on us so as not to spoil the happiest memories of my life with bad ones'. This made me panic, as I felt something was afoot. I felt he was putting a time limit on our relationship. This coupled with the fact that I saw a text from her saying 'I love you. Only one x? That's not good'. Also, he kept springing last minute surprises on me to do with her and his son. That he wouldn't be home until later that evening because they had to go shopping for clothes for his son etc. I was starting to get angry. I felt that the balance was shifting against me toward her and the lure of her money and security it provided him. The last week we were together he texted me that he loved me so much and apologised that he knew it was difficult for me to believe that while he was feeling so down, but that he really did. I was the one. On December 7, after spending a Friday night with his family, he texted me to tell me that he had to go in town with them again to do some more shopping. I snapped. I told him he'd kept his options between me and her open for too long and that I was shutting the door. I told him I'd put his stuff outside and he could come down and get it. He was angry but the next day, after a text to tell him it was done, he came and got his things and left. For the first few days I felt a sense of self respect that I had taken the reins of my life back. That she would have no more sway. But then after a few days I started to feel distraught that things had ended the way they had, and so abruptly. If I'm being honest, I was hoping that he would prove me and my fears wrong and would want to talk, but he just came in a car driven by her and picked up his things. I wrote a seven page letter about why I had reached the point I had, and how bereft I felt without him and posted it through his door. But he didn't contact me, and had deleted the messenger app we used to communicate. On the 19th, after a Christmas party and feeling pretty miserable and desperate, I drunk texted him that his silence was torture and that I missed and loved him. The next day I woke up and felt annoyed at myself and vowed not to contact him again. In the early hours of Christmas morning (having been drinking and celebrating all of Christmas Eve as is the tradition in his country), he called me-waking me from a deep sleep. I was so happy to hear his voice. the first thing he said to me was that I was the only one for him. How much he loved and missed me desperately. I asked why he had ignored me and he said he was angry that I'd thrown him out, but that when he'd received my drunk texts the week before, he'd jumped around the kitchen with joy. He said he wanted to see me, asked when I'd be coming back to the flat from where I was spending Christmas and that he'd posted a Christmas present through my door just before he'd called. I asked why he had done it then and he said because he knew I wouldn't be there. We spoke for two and a half hours. Laughing and crying throughout. I told him I couldn't believe that this had become the end of our story, and he said 'this isn't'. He told me he'd spoken to his dad and that his dad was upset with him and asked why he wasn't with me, to which he reponded 'Because I screwed it up Dad, because of money'. I asked how his ex and son felt now that he was back home and he said 'secure'. I spent Christmas day in such a mix of emotions. I was so glad to hear from him, yet couldn't understand truly why he'd cut me off so coldly up til then. He also said that although he'd got my letter, he hadn't read it. When I asked why, he said 'I didn't want to'. I told him that he'd come so far on his journey, only to end up how he was before, a kept man in a gilded cage. I checked my bank account a few days later and saw that he's also paid his share of the rent here for January. When I got back home and received his lovely gifts, I texted him for what has been the last time. I thanked him for them and again for calling me on Christmas day. How good it was to hear his voice and how it had helped me through a day I was dreading. I also said that I had obviously misinterpreted the meaning of the call, given his return to silence since then and told him that although I hoped that time would heal the pain I felt that things had turned out the way they have, that I would forever regret that I had let the man that was undoubtedly 'the one' slip through my fingers. That was nearly a week ago-and since then I'm trying to move on, but the lack of any real explanation of what was going on with him, what his situation is or of a proper sober sit down honest and open conversation as to how things have gone from bliss to disaster in the space of a few weeks, really is holding me back. He lives up the road. I know I'm bound to bump into him or her and it's making me feel miserable. I guess I just want some form of closure, but his call and the things he said and the way he was on Christmas morning has thrown me into tailspin. I know he loves me. I'm not fooling myself. None of this makes any sense and I'm sick of raking things over and over in my head to try and find explanations. I'm hoping an objective eye can see some obvious truths I'm missing. Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2015): @euphoric you and many others believe what you want to, but realize that if he really loved you that much more than his wife and their life together he would be with you, not still with his wife. It's much easier to believe what you want the situation to be than what the reality might be. He weighed what the future was and decided he would rather stay with his wife than make the change to be with you. They do it, in many cases, to get sex, and sometimes another emotional support. And I totally agree, what they did is wrong, and you should realize that the way they treated their wife is the way they will eventually treat you, maybe even worse since you agreed to be the affair partner and cheat. A relationship that starts out with lies, cheating and hurting another person will never be a good one.
Gubbster, your situation is slightly different due to the sexuality issues but at least you recognize that he does lover her, you don't spend 14 years and have a family without some sort of love and concern for your partner. It has only been a year and I would really try, hard as it is, to detach yourself and move on. If it is meant to be, eventually he may come back to you if he does decide to change his life, but so far his behavior is that of a cakeater and remember that he exposed his wife to diseases most likely and had random sex encounters when she had no idea what was happening. It also seems he is jerking you around a lot emotionally with all the back and forth and that isn't a good place to be.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (6 January 2015):
Dear OP,
Thank you for updating.
Dear anonymous,
You are probably right by saying that if you're the outside lover, it's easy to fall into the trap and believe every negative thing that is said about the wife/current partner.
I agree that maybe the OPs partners' wife still loved him (and he loved her, in a way). As might be the case with the man I loved and his wife.
I've also been feeling guilty about the whole mess for months, you can believe me. But guilt is not the best emotion to help you get over a breakup. Especially one that hurt so much.
Where I disagree: That they both stayed with each other because there was so much love (talking about my story, and also about the OPs story). I believe a lot of it is just habit, dependence and fear of change. Even if those men were lying about many things to me/the OP - why would they bother to lie and go through so much trouble (like having affairs, coming out, separation) if they WERE happy? If they really really loved their wives? And if they felt loved by them?
I can believe that the OPs partner, or my ex-partner, stayed in the marriage because of love for the child - and because of the comfort. But it would stretch the definiton of the word "love" for me to watch the behaviour towards their wives and believe that underneath, there are many genuine feelings for them.
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A
male
reader, Gubbster +, writes (6 January 2015):
Gubbster is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with what you say 100%--in principle. That is why I have always maintained I would never get involved with someone that was already in a relationship. I know how people cheating on their partners lie, and how they say things to convince that they are unhappy, their wife doesn't understand and they are going to leave them, and that is why, initially I resisted all moves towards it becoming anything other than a casual encounter. BUT, the big difference here is that he is gay and she is a woman. He identified himself as bi only in his profile name, and even joked that a lot of men found that to be exciting--but knowing him as I do, by his ways, history and own admission, he has always been a gay man who found himself travelling the path he did with a woman and son. Make no mistake--if he had his own regular income and career, then I know that he would still be with me now. Unfortunately, he found himself kept by a wealthy woman for such a long time he didn't know how to begin with his own independence at 44. He started to regularly sleep with men when his son was about two, when he would be sat at home all day feeling thoroughly lost thinking 'Is this my life?' She is the only woman he has been with, and they met when he was 23. When he was a teenager, he fantasised about men, and whenever he watches adult stuff, it's always gay. Don't also forget he came out to his whole family last Christmas, introduced me to his father and mother--that's a big deal and a bit strange to someone that is also regularly thinking about sex with women. I also once asked him early on about her and when they last had sex, because I started to wonder whether he was and I was being tricked. He laughed his head off, and told me it had been two years, around the time she had found out about the lawyer (in fact when he said he was moving in with me, she actually begged him to make love to her one last time-which I found incredibly sad). The other point you are right on is that he DOES love her, and so he should. I never discouraged that at all. When she angrily made him tell his son that Christmas that he was gay, thinking he wouldn't and it would stop him leaving, he was so so furious with her and said some terrible things to me, and it was I, as I often did, that tried to make him see how hurt she was, and wasn't a bad person. The problem was, that for much of the time we were together, that love manifested itself as a deep guilt at the pain he felt responsible for causing her. What exacerbated this, is that until about May/June of last year, she refused to tell a single person, not a family member or friend, that they'd split up, let alone he was gay. This meant every time he visited, he was the only person she could vent at, and this made him feel worse. The other poster was right, he is an incredibly sensitive person, who would do anything just to keep everyone happy, even when his actions make it impossible. One of the worst things about the loss I feel right now, is that she was starting to come to terms with it. She had told several friends, and in November just gone, took what was for her, the huge step of telling her family. The end of our relationship as far as I can see now in the absence of him contacting me at all, is partly connected to this and also to his absolute lack of courage and ability to take the next step and get himself set up on his own with his career. I think the fact that she was starting to do things that showed she was accepting things brought to the fore how much he saw her as a security blanket should things with us/his financial security fail. He admitted he was 'keeping her close' for that reason once, and with the end of his current work project in sight just about now, he went into one of his dark 'caves' (in fact we used to joke that the bi in his profile name actually referred to 'polar' and not 'sexual'). It was I that snapped in the end because of this constant spinning of plates, me and her. His impossible quest to appease two opposites, that with his dark mood, saw him spending more time up there. I thought it would be a wake up call, but I should've realised--she would always take him back, and with the promise of financial security. It broke my heart when he called me on Christmas Day. I know he feels the same way I do, but suspect he has been told that he can't contact me or won't because he won't be able to control his feelings. Like everyone says, after the initial pain has subsided, he will go into a life where she turns a blind eye to his indiscretions, so long as he stays with her. The tragedy is, given the sort of man he is, it will only be a matter of time before he meets another guy who he falls for. He's not the sort of person that finds quick and anonymous sexual encounters to be enough. Soon their son will leave home and it will just be the two of them, locked in this dysfunctional world until something finally breaks it. The biggest tragedy for me is that I fear I was just the right person, at the wrong time.
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A
male
reader, Gubbster +, writes (6 January 2015):
Gubbster is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with what you say 100%--in principle. That is why I have always maintained I would never get involved with someone that was already in a relationship. I know how people cheating on their partners lie, and how they say things to convince that they are unhappy, their wife doesn't understand and they are going to leave them, and that is why, initially I resisted all moves towards it becoming anything other than a casual encounter. BUT, the big difference here is that he is gay and she is a woman. He identified himself as bi only in his profile name, and even joked that a lot of men found that to be exciting--but knowing him as I do, by his ways, history and own admission, he has always been a gay man who found himself travelling the path he did with a woman and son. Make no mistake--if he had his own regular income and career, then I know that he would still be with me now. Unfortunately, he found himself kept by a wealthy woman for such a long time he didn't know how to begin with his own independence at 44. He started to regularly sleep with men when his son was about two, when he would be sat at home all day feeling thoroughly lost thinking 'Is this my life?' She is the only woman he has been with, and they met when he was 23. When he was a teenager, he fantasised about men, and whenever he watches adult stuff, it's always gay. Don't also forget he came out to his whole family last Christmas, introduced me to his father and mother--that's a big deal and a bit strange to someone that is also regularly thinking about sex with women. I also once asked him early on about her and when they last had sex, because I started to wonder whether he was and I was being tricked. He laughed his head off, and told me it had been two years, around the time she had found out about the lawyer (in fact when he said he was moving in with me, she actually begged him to make love to her one last time-which I found incredibly sad). The other point you are right on is that he DOES love her, and so he should. I never discouraged that at all. When she angrily made him tell his son that Christmas that he was gay, thinking he wouldn't and it would stop him leaving, he was so so furious with her and said some terrible things to me, and it was I, as I often did, that tried to make him see how hurt she was, and wasn't a bad person. The problem was, that for much of the time we were together, that love manifested itself as a deep guilt at the pain he felt responsible for causing her. What exacerbated this, is that until about May/June of last year, she refused to tell a single person, not a family member or friend, that they'd split up, let alone he was gay. This meant every time he visited, he was the only person she could vent at, and this made him feel worse. The other poster was right, he is an incredibly sensitive person, who would do anything just to keep everyone happy, even when his actions make it impossible. One of the worst things about the loss I feel right now, is that she was starting to come to terms with it. She had told several friends, and in November just gone, took what was for her, the huge step of telling her family. The end of our relationship as far as I can see now in the absence of him contacting me at all, is partly connected to this and also to his absolute lack of courage and ability to take the next step and get himself set up on his own with his career. I think the fact that she was starting to do things that showed she was accepting things brought to the fore how much he saw her as a security blanket should things with us/his financial security fail. He admitted he was 'keeping her close' for that reason once, and with the end of his current work project in sight just about now, he went into one of his dark 'caves' (in fact we used to joke that the bi in his profile name actually referred to 'polar' and not 'sexual'). It was I that snapped in the end because of this constant spinning of plates, me and her. His impossible quest to appease two opposites, that with his dark mood, saw him spending more time up there. I thought it would be a wake up call, but I should've realised--she would always take him back, and with the promise of financial security. It broke my heart when he called me on Christmas Day. I know he feels the same way I do, but suspect he has been told that he can't contact me or won't because he won't be able to control his feelings. Like everyone says, after the initial pain has subsided, he will go into a life where she turns a blind eye to his indiscretions, so long as he stays with her. The tragedy is, given the sort of man he is, it will only be a matter of time before he meets another guy who he falls for. He's not the sort of person that finds quick and anonymous sexual encounters to be enough. Soon their son will leave home and it will just be the two of them, locked in this dysfunctional world until something finally breaks it. The biggest tragedy for me is that I fear I was just the right person, at the wrong time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2015): Gubbster, I think when you are or have been the affair partner of someone who is attached/married, you may have a tendency to demonize their husband/wife as euphoric has done because she was in that situation and it is easier to believe that and to see yourself as blameless or as somehow rescuing the married person from a horrible life. In reality a lot of married people who have affairs lie about their situations, typical lies told to women are we don't have sex anymore, I don't love her and and worse, often completely untrue or only half truths which are revealed later on if the affair carries on. Please remember that you are the invited interloper in someone else's relationship, and you really only know whatever they have told you about their relationship, you're not there in the relationship and you don't know the true history of it or what they're telling their husband/wife either. In your case, yes, there may be fear, control and so on but there is most likely also love. This woman was deceived into a relationship by lies, probably not knowing at all that her husband is bisexual. She probably loves him, no matter how angry she is at him, and she is still very attached to him. She doesn't want to let go no matter what the situation is. She is going to defend her family against anyone who tries to damage it. Remember that he identified himself as bisexual, not gay. So that suggests that he also has attraction to women and he may still want the main relationship in his life to be with a woman. She has been with him for 14 years or more I assume which is a long time, if the relationship were that terrible for him he wouldn't be there anymore most likely and if she is now willing to let him have sex with men occasionally he may opt for that not wanting to lose her and his good life. Just because he is bisexual or gay, whichever it is, doesn't mean he doesn't love her too.
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A
male
reader, Gubbster +, writes (4 January 2015):
Gubbster is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your answers. It really has helped me see things as I sort of sensed they were but couldn't clearly work out because of the emotional storm I'm currently in the midst of. Your insight into his character is spot on, it's like you know him. Even more useful was the insight into her. I have never understood why she would have him back, or what her self respect must be like. But you're right--it's fear, cowardice and control. I will keep reading your answers over the coming weeks--they really help, harsh truths that they are. And you're right--it is an impossible love. I just have the hurdles of seeing him in the street and again on the gay dating apps as he gets his fix to appease his true nature. It's funny-he actually told me a few months back that she told him to go back to her and she would let him have the odd indiscretion with a man, but that he wasn't to see me again. The fact one of you mentioned that that would be the situation now really made my jaw drop with its accuracy. Thanks again I'm so glad I took the time to pour my feelings out on here. x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2015): He is a cake eater, and he has lied to and cheated on his wife and child and others for years about his true sexuality, or so it would seem. He has been with his wife for a long time -he has a bond with her and his child. He has been financially dependent on her for too long, I don't think he is ever going to do anything to jeopardize his good life and his own welfare, no matter how much he may care for you, finances are usually the bottom line for most people. He will continue to cheat to get what he needs sexually/emotionally from a man and now that his wife knows about it she may turn a blind eye to it as long as it's not going away with you and building a new life without her. As for his child he is a good father at least in some respects and he will not do anything to damage that relationship. I think it's good he wants to be a big part of his child's life whatever his age, a teenager still needs a lot of time and guidance.
If I were you I would start to detach from the whole situation and try to find someone who isn't entangled in a big mess of cheating and confusion about who they are, someone who can give you what you need.
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A
male
reader, Gubbster +, writes (4 January 2015):
Gubbster is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. Thank you. Thank you. Your response made me sob. You speak like my inner fears and realisations. I would love to speak further tomorrow, when I am more gathered in my head, but for now thanks for taking the time to answer with such frank insight xx
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reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (3 January 2015):
Dear OP,
Your story almost made me cry. It's truly sad and reminds me of my own situation (had fallen in love with a married man who has a child.. in the end, he decided to stay with his family, even though he said he had never loved any woman as much as me, and didn't love his wife anymore).
Maybe it will help you to get closure if I can tell you what I see in your situation.
You've fallen in love with a man who is very sensitive. A great companion who can intuitively know what you are feeling, who can guess your wishes and fulfill them.
Unfortunately, he is not a grown up man in every sense of the word. He is traumatised by a dominant mother and a weak father who wasn't a role-model for him (that's why his father likes you so much.. he hoped at least his son could escape the dysfunctional family pattern). The only way he knows to get what he wants is to be submissive and supported by others (as he doesn't believe he can make it on his own) or to lie (in order not to hurt anybodys feelings and avoid confrontation).
Sure, he loves you and you make him happy. But he was still halfways a scared boy that is too afraid of his mother. He can't feel alright until the women in his life are appeased. And he was only able to almost, almost leave behind the past, because YOU were already there, with all your strength and love, offering a new form of security, promising support and guidance. Without you, he wouldn't even have had the courage to come out to his family. YOU changed him into a man that was almost able to live a happy life. But all your strength is not enough, OP, when a man is too weak to make the important steps himself.
YES, yes he loves you! You are the love of his life! Yet, every coward can fall in love BUT to follow love takes immense courage. And he doesn't have it. He worries about bills and what their friends might think and that his wife might be upset and that his son might notice there's been a change and so on.
Remember, OP, we are talking about a GAY man that was married to a woman!! Doesn't already this give away what a coward he is? And then he stayed at home to raise the child, not working AT ALL, giving all the financial and economic power to his wife. It leads me to suspect that he was scared of the working world, too, and preferred the peaceful atmosphere of a household. And as further evidence of his fearful nature, he already let one man dissapear out of his life, because his wife bullied him.
And you know what? His wife is a coward, too. What woman would stay married and write lovey-dovey sms to a gay man, even after he moved out of their place and came out to his son? She must be terrified of loneliness.
They both don't know freedom and at their age, they are too scared to discover what that means. They use their adolescent son as an excuse for staying together in their mutual dysfunction.
You've been patient, OP, and now you have suffered enough. He may have felt like "the one".. but OP, maybe part of him was also a chamaeleon, knowing how to change colours according to other peoples' wishes. That's part of why it felt so great to be around him. He is a master at reading other peoples' wishes and needs, BECAUSE he's so sensitive and wants to do right by others. It's a virtue but also a weakness; you can see the good and bad sides of this ability. I can tell you that a man with his personality structure might have even ruined your new relationship and happiness over time. He would have tried so hard to please you, until the relationship with you became a new cage that he must escape from. A man who is so scared to be himself, might not be able to stop himself from playing charade, even if he's being loved. He might never pick a fight with you or confront you when he's mad, but instead escape in new lies and affairs that offer him some relief.
I think he would have been the one IF he had paired his sensitivity with some self-confidence and courage. You were in love with him, so you saw only the beauty. And this makes you a great lover; but you're not objective and I can give you many, many reasons why he's NOT the one.
Now, it's time to definitely say good-bye to this story, to grieve over this impossible love. Please, don't hope for him to come back.
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