A
female
age
41-50,
*shamishra
writes:I have had sex with my ex-boyfriend but not intercourse. Sometimes in his room sometimes in mines. We have done it at least 21 times. Once he tried to f*** me but due to pain I was not able to do it.We seperated after 3 years of long relationship as I felt he was not respecting me as he did when we were together.I'm in a new relationship now. He knows all but still I feel guilty. I love him a lot. Now we too have physical relations and I am not virgin.I don't want to lose him. Please help
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female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (20 March 2008):
 Hi,
I understand your problem and how afraid you must be that your first boyfriend might tell people things about you. It seems that if he would want to, he could really hurt you. I wish I could tell you something that would make you feel strong and confident and believe in yourself enough to dare to follow your heart here, but I know it can be really tough to be a woman in your society. It's a wonderful society in many ways, but not so wonderful maybe, when it comes to this very problem of yours.
I think it is very good that you have told your present boyfriend, your now fiance, about what has happened before, that is one of your strengths. He knows and accepts and respects you. I guess you should follow the previous advicers to not try and explain more right now because it could be that nothing more happens, that you ex leaves you in peace. And if not, at least you know your present boyfriend is ok with what has happened. And try to push your feelings of guilt away, as the others have said, you haven't done anything wrong and also you haven't done it alone, your ex was also doing the same. I know it is being looked upon differently if it is a man or a woman, but still, take it to your heart that it is not really any bit worse that you did it then him doing it.
If it would come out, maybe your present boyfriend could help you explaining things to yours and his parents, help you making them see that you are not a bad person and that what you have done is done at a time when it actually wasn't wrong or bad to do such a thing. You thought that this other man would be someone that you would marry but then you discovered he wasn't a very good man. That makes you a good person to leave him, not a bad.
Ashamishra, whatever happens in this, don't let them brake your spirit. You are a good person and you deserve the best. Do what you have to do, but never let them get to your very inside.
Maybe this was not much help, but I hope I have managed to empower your soul a little.
Take good care and tell us how it goes!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): I am still trying to think of proper advice to give you. Having little knowledge of the implications of the caste system, I am afraid that my advice might be incorrect. Is your family aware of your love for your current boyfriend? If not, then I think that you would have to inform them of this soon. They have to know sometime. If you have already informed them of your feelings for your new boyfriend and they have accepted him then I think that you should just leave it at that and tell no one about your first boyfriend at college. If he does talk then I guess you would have to admit that he took your clothes off and that you were very afraid and did not know how to stop him from doing it. This would not be a lie. You would just have to say that you were very afraid of him and thought that you had to do whatever he wanted.
Tell me what problems you see with this idea so that I might better understand.
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A
female
reader, ashamishra +, writes (15 March 2008):
ashamishra is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks you all.you all really helped me.wht u summarize is right.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): By the way, you said that your stupidity cost you a lot. You were not stupid. You were just misinformed or told the wrong things. That is not really your fault. It is just a fault of your culture. All cultures, including those in the USA and other western countries, also have faults. Don't blame yourself so much for the mistakes that you made.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): I am just going to again summarize what I believe you have said to make it a bit easier for others to understand and help you.
You are from India and had essentially no sex education before going off to college at the age of 19. This was your first time away from home. Your first real sex education came from having to watch your roommate and her boyfriend engaging in what we in the USA call petting or light foreplay while you were in the room. Your roommate also would tell you about her relationship with her boyfriend. I assume this included some talk about sex.
Your roommate and her boyfriend introduced you to your first boyfriend and convinced you that he was the one for you. From my very limited knowledge of the Indian caste system, I believe that there are 4 castes and you are supposed to marry someone in your caste. This guy was of the same caste as you. He convinced you to take your clothes off, which you eventually did and he kissed your body and some other similar things. He tried to talk you into having intercourse, but you refused. He tried anyway, but had to stop because it hurt you. He was obviously experienced in sex and tried to take advantage of you because of your inexperience. He did not respect you and was even verbally abusive to you and said insulting things to you. You did not want to allow him to undress you and kiss your body, but you were afraid to stop him. You broke up with him, but are afraid of him because of his manipulative behavior. Your relationship with him lasted 3 years.
You now have a new boyfriend. You are 23 and he is 20 years old. He is not from the same caste as you are. You are in love with him and have had intercourse with him. You have told him about your relationship with your ex, including being undressed and kissed and fondled. He is not bothered with what you did, but you are afraid that your family will find out what you did and that would be very bad. Just undressing is considered as being as bad as having had sex with your ex. You are afraid that your manipulative ex will talk if he hears of your engagement to your new boyfriend. You have also said that you are afraid that if some of your family finds out they will kill you. Please tell me that I am wrong, but I am afraid that you mean this literally.
The problem is what do you do now. How can you continue this relationship and not embarrass your family. How can you convince your family to accept your new boyfriend as your future husband. The fact that you are of different ages and castes is a big problem. What you are asking of us is to help you with these problems and to give you advice on how to convince your family to accept this man, without angering them or embarrassing them.
I will post this and then try to think of what to say to help you in another answer.
I guess this ended up being a long summary.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): Right hunny
Ive sent you a self confidence and self esteem link so that it will help as I feel your ex b/f was cruel and put you down and this has made you worry so much hunny...
http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A841358
This may help you feel better about the awfull things he said about you love I hope so TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): Hunny
That must have been so hard for you, Your last boyfriend sounds not very nice hunny at all you are best away from him he was taking advantage of your kind and good nature... Plus being abusive and putting you down its good you are strong and got away from him..I hope you find happiness and troubledtoomuch is always a great help hunny he is lovely TAKE CARE WITH MUCH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, ashamishra +, writes (14 March 2008):
ashamishra is verified as being by the original poster of the questiontoday i want to clear the clouds by telling you all about my past.
i was away frm my home 4 the 1st time tat time i was 19.my roommate had a boyfriend and they use to kiss each other infront of me.for the 1st time i ws introduced to all this.she used to tell me about their relation.it all effected me a lot and too thought of having love in my life.
then i found him.my roommate and his boyfriend encouraged me for a relation and convinced me he is my solemate.
then 1 day i proposed him he first refused but after 3 hrs he accepted me.i was on the sky
1 day i had a fight wit him,after tat i was very upset.i had no idea tat my roommate vl call him in our room.wen i saw him i huged him and kissed him on cheeks.
next day he came again,tis time ha kissed me lips.first i refused but he told me i seemed to him as my mother he did wht he would done wit his mother.i was moved and kissed him back.ihe told me you smootched first ie i moved the first move.
meantime my roommate started doing sex infront of me and i got carried away.
and wen i was wit my boyfriend he touched me and lifted my clothes tat day i refused but i became hungry and he told me he is not going to came to my room as he fears tohav sex.
tat night i felt guilty tat he loves me so muuch and aftrall ha is my solemate so wen next day he came i did it means allowed him to open my bra.
i told him he was so nice tat he closed his eyes wen he kiissed my breast then he threw my clothes on my face and told me to wear it as he closed his eyes unintensiouly and if i m not going to show my breast then better wear my bra.
i didn't want to lose him so i allowed him and said him sorry.right at tat moment he started pressing my breast and licking it.to be frank i only liked kisses but this i never liked but he enjoyed and so i kept my mouth shut.
after few days he offered me to open my lowers too.i ws so much in love wih him i did wht he said strange but i liked it only once but after tat it was only my body which paticipated.then we went o shape our life.i was in home for few months tats y i was unable to call him i tried a lot after 3 months i got the chance to call him then he shouted at me 4 being so late.
he always used to shout at me and for any matter blamed me.
always told me you r not goodlooking and unsmart too.
i tolerated everything as i didn't want to lose him.
finally i relised hw fool i ws but as i proposed him i didn't want to lose him.
i requested him to give me time.he refused tat too and told me to adjust as he has manything to do other than calling me.finally i told him my feeling then he msged me he can't fulfill my wish and i m not adjusting so better fuck off.i called him but he switched his mobile he had habbit of this.it was 5th time and finally i ws suffocating.so i quit.
he called me to b wit him bt i refused.he told me he vil cm to me to solve but i was afraid he will fuck me tis tim and i knew tat time i vl again go to him so i refused.manytime he offered me to come to my place to have intercouse.he told it's hightime and he wants to taste me.
as we lived in other city he never called me there as he was afraid people will think negative of his character but in my case i told u can manage and if some1 vil point finger don't worry i m the 1 who wil marry you.
i forgot to mention tat time i didn't knew about anal,oral.musterbating so he indirectly offered me to do all but for me it was unusual so i refused but 1 day he told me "do you know how sperm looks like" i got exicted so he told me to hold his penis and to do to and fro motion i did it and then he told me press his balls i did it again.
after cuming to collage i came to know wht i actually did wen i asked him he told me we hav done nothing til now and he vil cm to me to fuck me as he loves me and you wil find it great.
my breast enlarged due to sucking i told him i thought he also did'nt hav an idea tat it enlarges on doing sex but to my surprisrdhe told he knew it and told me not to worry as atleast he had added 1 sexy feature in me.i was hurt but i felt he did it bec he loves.
seriously i was not educated about sex earlier so i was misleaded.for me love means marriage and your love can do wht is right.my stupidity cost me alot.
nw i know all about sex and experiments wih my boyfriend and quite to my surprise with him i enjoyed a lot everything apart frm sex too.i told him everything about u al too.
he is my bestfriend,my love.
he is understanding and belive me in india there are stil many who vil not accept their wife ex affair even if they have it.
thanks to all especially troubledtoomuch.
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A
female
reader, ashamishra +, writes (14 March 2008):
ashamishra is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi to all
in INDIA laying together is same as having sex.
we r not allowed to spend a night with any1 even in same house if we r alone.it is interpreted same as sex.
i don't know where my ex in present.
but he scares me to death.if any1 in family vl hav hint too they vl kill me.
i m scare of him as he is frm my caste and frm same state so it is possible tat my marriage proposal may reach him too.
wen togther i hav given my snap to him(simple 1 and alone).
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A
female
reader, ashamishra +, writes (14 March 2008):
ashamishra is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi to all
i want ur help again
i m frm orthodox family and so does he.
in INDIA still love marriage is not given green signal soon.
we both r frm different caste and i m 3 yrs older than him.
beleive me this is a big prob
i don't want 2 hurt my family by being rude to them so plz tell me how to get their approval?
we r both studying nw.
we got campused and join our respective job till june.as im 23 nw i m pressurized to get marry soon and the 1 should be frm my own caste.
plz tell me how not 2 be rude and still tell them
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A
female
reader, ashamishra +, writes (14 March 2008):
ashamishra is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks 2a all of u for help.
but i m worried tat my ex vl tell every1
tatsy i m tensed. where i m now he has no idea and i want 2 keep things like tis
i don't want 2 meet him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): Hi Hunny
I dont think you have anythink to worry about, Hunny your last boyfriend was cruel to you really, and you just lay together. So he has no reason to say anything to you family, I hope you are happy now TAKE CARE WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): I agree with oldersister. I don't see why your current boyfriend would say anything. Are you afraid that your ex is telling people what you did together and that your current boyfriend's family will find out? If this is not a problem then I don't think that you have anything to worry about.
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A
female
reader, ashamishra +, writes (14 March 2008):
ashamishra is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmy boyfriend is very understanding and no problem with tis as he thinks i was just 19 and first time away frm home.
wen my present boyfriend found me to be virgin he didn't react as he has full faith on me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): I see no one has posted again. I have some questions. Are you just worried about his family objecting? Is he OK with with this and doesn't care, or does this bother your boyfriend also? Why do you think his family will find out? How many people know? Is it just you, your ex and your current boyfriend? These answers might help us understand, as I for one don't know as much about your culture as I probably should.
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A
female
reader, ashamishra +, writes (13 March 2008):
ashamishra is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks 4 finally understanding me.i did'nt have oral.we just kissed naked body
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): I think that she means that she and her ex had sex, as in oral or finger stimulation, but not actual intercourse. I guess Bill Clinton got us used to the idea that oral isn't sex. :)She finally left her ex, before ever having vaginal intercourse with him and is now with her new boyfriend. She has now had intercourse with her new boyfriend (first time for actual intercourse for her) and she has told him about her non-vaginal actual intercourse sex with her ex (like the oral or whatever). He knows what she did, but she is afraid that he will leave her or that his family will find out and not allow their relationship to continue. We have to keep in mind the different world cultures. She wants our thoughts and help.She is from India. Don't expect everyone in this world to speak perfect English. We don't have to be so hard on her just because she doesn't speak perfect English. Hell, some of us that are from England, the US or Canada don't either.To ashamishra (the OP), please tell us if my interpretation of what you were saying is correct. Right now I don't have a good suggestion for you, but I just wanted to clarify what I thought you were trying to say.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): ok hun hope your ok I think getting sex and intercourse confussed is what did it love being f****d is not the same its a crude way of saying it, its ok if your in a great relationship and talk like that for a bit of fun, but to think that it is different from sex and intercourse is why we got confussed as being f****d is not how I would talk about my sexual life hunny TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, ashamishra +, writes (13 March 2008):
ashamishra is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for ur help.i had not done intercourse with my ex-boyfriend and i know it better than any1 on this earth.i don't want to do anything with my ex now.he is past.
i seperated from my ex bec he ws dominating me a lot.he was least understanding.wht he said i had to follow.
once i spoke out than he told me to leave him.he had already said it 4times.always i surrendered.let me mention sex was not the reason.
5th timed i agreed and seperated.
my present boyfriend is the 1 i care for.i love him a lot.
and i m afraid ttat my past may ruin my life if his family vl cm to know.
i know previously i did'nt posted the q correctly and misinterpreted ur q.sorry 4 tat.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): I think your talking about sex and been f****d as two different things, did you mean you did sexual things but not actually have sex? And now you love the boyfriend your with and have had sex but dont want to loose him because of what you did with your previous boyfriend LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008): Hi Hunny
Im confussed, To say the least im sending you a link hunny...
http://encarta.msn.com/dictionary_1861723076/sex.html
you say you have had sex with your boyfriend but not intercourse im afraid they mean the same unless you are stating you have been in the room with your boyfriend that is a different sex than you...you being female and him being male..21 times....He tryed to f**k you but you had pain, you seperated after 3yrs and you felt he did not respect you as he did when you were together. now your with someone else and you feel guilty, About what hunny? your having physical relations with your now boyfriend and your not a virgin...Hunny you already stated you had sex 21 times between rooms so that we no your not a virgin....So what is your question and why would you loose WHO!!! Which one? Plus it isnt very nice to ask for help and then be rude to the people that offer it love, Your question is very confusing and hard to understand LJ001 Was trying to understand and you were very rude love, if you explained a little better maybe we could help..I dont think anyone could understand this question love so if you want some help maybe you could write it again so that we understand WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (11 March 2008):
 Besides the confusion over what exactly you mean by having sex, I'm also confused over what you are actually asking. You are in a relationship but are still doing stuff with your EX? Which guy don't you want to lose?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008): Oh, and by the way, lets try the dictionary shall we..
Intercourse: The act of sexual procreation between a man and a woman; the man's penis is inserted into the woman's vagina and excited until orgasm and ejaculation occur.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008): Excuse me? If you don't want other peoples opinions then don't ask the question love.
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A
female
reader, ashamishra +, writes (11 March 2008):
ashamishra is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsex does not mean intercourse only if you don't understand than go to have sex education.you r not the 1 to help me.if every1 fucked you i can't help you
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): You've had sex but not intercourse.. Once he tried to f*** you but had to stop..
Sex IS intercourse and this IS f***ing.
Lol.
Confusion..
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