A
male
age
30-35,
*rotherhood....
writes:I was suffering from bipolar depression. My mind would always remain confused and depressed over many issues in my life. I had great family problems, issues related to what is right and what is wrong, issues related to my work. I was complete mess.But then, when I was at deepest level of my depression, I came across a face of a very beautiful girl. I never knew for three years she was in my college. But that day, I saw her first time and I got to know about her from my friends. I don't know how and when it happened but something happened. Whenever I would get into any of those strange mazes of mind, I would think of her. Today it is more than a year first time I saw her first time and still I can't remember or recall her face. So I would try to imagine her face. I would dream being in relationship with her. And the effect was that my mind was relaxing. I would forget my problem and just enjoy the harmony and the peace it would bring to me. And slowly my depression faded with that thought about her.I don't understand what kind of behavior it is. But now new problem surfaced. I have feelings for her. Every time I see her around the college campus, I feel tremendous pain inside me that I still have not talked to her a single word yet, not even "Hello". Sometimes I feel like, I am doing it wrong by not talking to her. The thing is that she is too pretty and my friends think that I am attracted to her because of her looks, charms and that I never had girlfriend in my life and so imagining to make her as girlfriend. So, I have decided to not talk to her thinking that this crush will fade away. But it doesn't. All day I keep thinking about her I don't understand why. I feel pain that I don't talk to her.To tell the truth, sometimes I get intimate and masturbate by thinking about her. But on the other hand, she was no less than God's gift. It was like when I truly asked him for help, he sent his blessings in her form to me. And this thing has just stored in my mind which I can't easily subside.When I try to look at it from modern perspective, then it says that things must move on. It says to me that she is just one of the part in your long life journey and she has done her job and now you must move on.But from philosophical perspective, it says that she is the one. It was her thought that prevailed you in your crisis. Don't let her go like that. She is the star that created a ray of hope in your life just by entering into your sphere of life. Will you let her go that easily? Or will you hold on to her for lifetime no matter what happens?So I am confused and directionless. Please help me with this. And one more question- are my feeling that I have for her are the feelings of love or a feeling of dependency or just a feeling of "in love with the idea of love?" Please define love for me. Should I talk to her or not??????
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male
reader, Brotherhood.... +, writes (13 June 2011):
Brotherhood.... is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks you..... All of you.....
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (11 June 2011):
 she is an 'ideal' and perhaps you even see her as unattainable. Unknowingly she has been a great comfort to you. And she is probably completely unaware of what an important influence she has been in your life.
And if it makes you feel comforted to masturbate, don't worry about that. It is entirely normal. Just don't discuss it with anyone who might tell her!
I understand that this girl, based on what you said, is visually very very attractive. But at the moment you do not have a relationship with her. She has not flirted with you? She came into your life, as a Gift, to help you through a dark period of your life.
How different people see love is as varied as varied can be. Some people like to start with something akin to a lightening strike. And feel instant 'love'. But that is not the only way for love to start.
I know my approach is very cautious, but that is just how I am. So I have been very wary in the past, if a guy has announced his feelings for me far too soon in a rekationship. That is just the way I am.
Love for me starts with shared interests, shared experiences and shared outlooks. Sure I get a nice feeling but not as much as later. At this stage it is friendship. If that has not suited a guy, and he's not been willing to allow things to develop more slowly, then I retreat. My approach has been to explore if there are shared values and attitudes. I have enjoyed swapping books to read (I read authors he liked and he read books I like and we talked about the books and authors).
When my feelings have deepened I could
sense a change when I seriously looked forward to spending more time together. Every hour together felt like just a minute.
And my feeling of peace and serenity in his presence meant that I felt strong trust growing that I knew I could sit beside him just staring out at the water in front of me, and no words would be required. Because even the silence (as long as we were together) was enough. Then my feelings deepen to a deep caring and a shared direction that discussion on anything becomes possible. There are no judgemental fights. Occasionally we might disagree but not enough to dislodge the bond between us.
Pretty soon from then on it has become a foregone conclusion that being together is the only viable option. It's a mutual thing.
But love for other people may be entirely different for them. And that is fine.
How I like love to develop may be criticized by another. But that is their problem. I don't judge is what is right for others. I say live and let live.
But scorn from others would not alter my view of what is right for me. Because my way works for me, and has twice.
But an entirely different way may work for you.
Just make sure you choose a very kind and caring girl. She needs a good kind heart. Remember looks can fade, but character lasts. So she needs to be of good honorable kind character.
And she should never be intentionally unkind to anyone. Look at a girl's actions, not her words.
Don't be afraid to say Hi to any girl. It's OK to smile at any girl you like. But do not declare your feelings until you have come to know her a lot more. Otherwise you might scare her off. Just be her friend.
Very best wishes to you.
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A
male
reader, krit +, writes (10 June 2011):
 Most guys do the same what you do and that is STAND AND OBSERVE.
It takes you nowhere. Sometimes I feel like to push you guys from behind to approach them. The more you think about it the more anxious you'll become when you do approach the girl in real. You don't need to come up with some funny and witty openers to impress her, infact you shouldn't be even thinkin of impressing her at first. Just keep it short and sweet. The harder you try to impress her the more easier i'll become for her to see you as her admirer. Stand out from the crowd and get her mind hooked on you by taking things slow and givin some hints here and there. Words don't matter, Timeing is important. keep her guessing and waiting and let anticipation build inside her. Be patient and tease her constanly. And when you get comfortable enough get physical as soon as possible otherwise you'll end up in "FRIENDS ZONE".
To avoid that make your moves bold and confident. Take the risk and you'll recieve the award for being different one for her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): Love begins as an infatuation.It seems like you are infatuated with her.How about smiling at her first when ever she crosses by you.If she smiles back start by saying Hi.Then slowly progress to How are you?.Become friends with her first.With out sounding too suspicious get her number after a few months.Start calling.Before anything else,please find out if she has a boyfriend or not.Regardless,you can always have her in your life as a friend.
Oh yeah when you are in love you just know it.
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