A
male
age
41-50,
*TBM
writes:I have 3 children with my ex-wife of 10 years.I left her in 2003 because of her adultery (3rd time) and in 2005 I met my present gf. We have gone on to have a further 2 children.I used to see my first 3 children every week but this proved to be aggravating to my gf ( I can understand this a little) so I cut this down to once every 3 weeks as a compromise, thinking I could find a happy medium.I found myself on the wrong end of the Child Support Agency who left me with £105 each week of my wages and wouldn't admit a mistake.. so as you can imagine this caused more grief with gf.Over the last 3 years I have not recieved one Christmas Card, One Birthday Card nor one Fathers day card. In fact I have ony had ONE phone call from them in that time too.To me this doesn't matter, I still love my children and consider the lack of communication as interference by my ex and her new partner (I know they purposefully try to make things awkward).I have since become a full time student to try to get a better life for my family and to make life a little less a struggle for my gf, and this means that my CSA assessment is Nill for the duration of my course.Things were blissfully happy for me and my GF the first year or so but over time she has started to become more and more sour about my previous children. We have had blazing rows about me seeing the children.She thinks that I should cut contact with them and break the law by refusing to pay my CSA when I have to start paying it again. The 3 used to come to my house, and would stay one at a time, but this is no longer allowed.Today I planned to go and see my children outside their house today ( I get 30 mins, after that my gf gets angry and I have her with a long face all afternoon ), as my gf doesn't like them in our house (apparently they behave badly?!?!) and she exploded and tells me that she is leaving me and taking my kids because we can never afford to do anything and that our kids have to go without because of the CSA.. (the same CSA I dont have to pay at the moment!).I tried to discuss it to show her how little sense it makes and she has just stomped off and said she is going find somewhere to live and move out as no matter what happens this isn't going change!!I don't know what to do, basically she is telling me I have to not see the kids (her excuse is they dont make an effort) and that I should defy the CSA which means I could goto prison, have my passport confiscated and/or have my possesions siezed.I just can't tell my older 3 three kids I don't want to see them, I just can't, and I don't think I should have to. This means though that I have to live without my youngest children in my house with me too.She won't understand that I love all my kids equally.Moving out from my children damn near finished me off last time, and I don't think I can do it again to these kids. Yet I don't see what I can do, talking doesn't work, shouting doesn't work..I think I'll just have to move on again even though it's the last thing I wanted to happen..Help.
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christmas, ex-wife, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, prajitura  +, writes (22 February 2009):
So complicated !i dont understand why is so dificult to think at you for a minut ,and understand that the children dont live your life for u
just let your 3 kids to live with your ex wife {help just financialy if u can } and live in peace with your gf like a family and u will be happy and the gf will be happy .
-the kids will grou up with u or without and they will have they life {sorry my english }
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008): Firstly, I think it is very wrong to judge someone without hearing both sides of the story, and quite frankly am discusted that anyone can call someone selfish without considering that perhaps a lot of what has been written here is exagerated and untrue. I have been in a relashionship where my partner had 2 children, im sure his story would have been the same, however there are some things you have to consider, is everything this guy said the truth? or is it possible it has been exagerated as an attempt for some attention?? what would her story be? good luck with your life mate but quite frankly by the sounds of it shes better off without you, at the end of the day, regardless of what has gone on in your relashionship you do not slate your partner like that to a load of strangers, in fact why have you done that? surley there is someone in your life you can talk to about it? or cant you do that? makes you wonder why hey?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): I think you have to really question your partners' motives here. If she cares about you, why would she act so selfishly? You cannot simply abandon your children on her say so. If you do, it would not be long before she is trying to force you to give up something else important. There seems to be a bit of a control problem with your partner. I think you need to stand your grounds and continue to see your children. I can understand that you do not wish to antagonise your partner but it is much more important to have a lasting relationship with your children. They need a father! This of course may threaten your relationship with your other children if your partner does in fact to leave. You must however, stick with your principles. If she does leave and refuses you access to see your children, you can seek redress in the court. The Court will take the view that it is paramount the children see their father. As you are currently a student, you may qualify for legal aid so get legal advice on the matter. I wish you well, sir.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): Chin up buddy! Breakups are hard but are often for the best! At least you won't have to worry about seeing your kids now and coming home to her moaning about that.
Enjoy your new found freedom, spend time with your kids and just have fun
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): breaks up are tough, but you're really much better off without this woman. She's selfish and whiny and sounds a little nuts, too. And look on the bright side of this breakup: Now you'll have more time to spend with your first 3 kids.
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A
male
reader, STBM +, writes (3 April 2008):
STBM is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, I will stop by. Now I have found it anyway.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (3 April 2008):
 Hang tough Buddy! Like I said before I think you'd be more miserable with her than without her. Keep us posted, you might be able to help other guys who write have similar problems so stop in often.
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A
male
reader, STBM +, writes (3 April 2008):
STBM is verified as being by the original poster of the questionupdate:
She has arranged to leave tomorrow, and after talking to her, she now tells me she has 'Just had enough of everything'.
Apparently nothing to do with me, and it's not designed to hurt me, but she isn't happy.
She is embarassed by my other kids. She thinks she will be better on financially on her own, which is possibly true.
So recapping: It is not my fault, not designed to hurt me, apparently hasn't stopped loving me, but is going anyway..
That's logic I don't understand.
I forgot how hard this was to deal with.
It's helping reading the replies though, thanks everyone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): you know she's right, things are NEVER goney change, you will always have your first 3 kids, you will always want to see them with her blessing or not, you will always have to pay for them in more ways than one and SHE knew this BEFORE she had more kids with you.she don't want them in YOUR HOUSE! you have not to see them or pay for them as she will not do without! tell her to get a job and help you provide for these kids as you cannot will not pretend they don't existe just to please her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): Do you find it difficult to say No to your girlfriend, or anybody. Reading through your question it seems like you are constantly trying to appease her, to get her approval. Its a slippery rope, on some matters it is necessary to stand firm, but you keep giving ground. You get 30mins or a long face?? TELL her your having an hour.
You have a passive nature and its doing you no good. Try Googling Assertiveness.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): First of all - anyone with kids will always put their kids first! And any grown adult with the slightest bit of common sense would understand it!
My boyf has a 9 year old son from his previous relationship and I know that he'll always be his number one priority no matter what. I'm glad of that fact - cos if we have any kids 2gether and we split I'd like to know that he would always be there for him like he is now.
don't let her pressurize you into not seeing the kids - put it to her this way - if it was the other way round and ye had split up, how would she feel if your new g/f was telling you to how often you could go visit YOUR kids?? She wouldn't like it one bit either I'd say!
She's a selfish cow and is only out for herself! In my opinion you are better off without her! Anyone that would make you chose between your kids and them aren't worth the effort or time you spend on them
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A
male
reader, STBM +, writes (3 April 2008):
STBM is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's the thing, I DON'T undestand what my GF is saying. It makes no sense to me to pressure someone into doing something that is completely unnatural... In my case it's not like I have any contact with their mother other than arranging the visits..
These are my children and to not see them for any reason is morally wrong, but worse when someone who proclaims to love me applies pressure otherwise.
Moreover, these children were there when she got with me, and we even used to go out for days..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): As much as I DO understand what your new girlfriend is saying......I would have to say this...GOOD RIDDANCE!
Never allow another 'person' to tell you to forsake or disregard your flesh and blood. Family is everything! I like your standards and your beliefs. So sad that you're in this situation, but man...don't let this new girl destroy you're trying to continue to bond with your other children. Keep up the good work and try harder, but don't stress out!
BadVoice
Wash.DC
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): First thing I have to say BE A MAN! you seem like these woman are telling you what to do who to see when to shit!
TELL your g/f wonder why she's not your wife! that YOU WILL NOT STOP SEEING ANY OF YOUR KIDS INCLUDING THE ONE'S YOU HAVE WITH HER. If she moves out tough! you can still see the kids aswell as your first family.PLEASE let NO-ONE tell your not to see your kids the are far more important than any g/f.You are father to ALL of them, you will need to spend your time and money wisely.Get you act together fast, some of the uncles on this site are great, include family and friends to help you keep it together you never know this could be the making of you!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 April 2008):
Well at least you found out before you wasted anymore time on her. I hope your studies go well and you can improve your income. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, STBM +, writes (3 April 2008):
STBM is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for replying so quickly, much appreciated.
The longer I have known her the more her 'Real' self seems to come out.. she is not the person I first met that much is certain.
She has developed this 'Spoilt' attitude, and she was certianly spoilt as a child.
I do think you are right though, I can't imagine her being any other way with someone else.. and they won't put up with it. I only do because of our 2 kids.
She even behaves like this to her parents.. that's something else that she hid when we first got together.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 April 2008):
Sorry but your girlfriend sounds like a whack job to me. She is way way out of line. Looks like you have no choice here BUT to move on, I feel you'll be happier in the long run, however. The girlfriend probably will make any man miserable.
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