A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I want to post another question, and this is not the same question; it is just the same subject.My fifth-grade daughter is very shy. I feel really, really bad about it as I worry that she will not make friends. Is there any help out there for me? Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions? I have visited a counselor, but on the basis of what I have told her, she did not recommend counseling. A lot of it is because my daughter is happy. She does not come home from school crying.She participates in sports activities, Girl Scouts, etc., but she does not really know how to connect with her friends, if you know what I mean. They are all very bouncy and outgoing. (It is a small school, and there are only three girls.) She is kind of left out in that she is very quiet and hardly speaks unless she is asked a specific question. It doesn't matter how many playdates we do. She is hardly ever invited back. I can't really complain because the parents do not do a lot of playdates. But if one of the girls needs a friend to do something with, she is never asked. It really hurts me; if it bothers her, she does not show it.I worry about it anyway. Can anyone give me any advice or tell me anything to make me feel better?If we go to a community activity, she will not go over and talk to her friends. I just feel really, really bad about it. It definitely hurts me worse than it hurts her. I'm worried a lot about her being left out as she gets older and the girls start running around. At home she has two younger sisters, one in fourth grade and one in second grade. She interacts very well with them. She does not hardly ever ask to have friends over.Upset in Utterville
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): Not all are interested in being social. She sounds anti-social. Have you ever considered it can be a personality disorder? There are a bunch of other signs if she does have anti-social behaviour. Or maybe it is a phase, like Old Guy experienced with his son. When I was young I had a schizoid personality. However I outgrew it during my teenage years. Everyone just thought I was shy, or left out, and my mother had meetings with teachers and other kids were forced to invite me over to visit. I only learned about that when I got older, and it's hurtful that my mother would go behind my back and arrange playdates like that. Like if they all pitied me. Truth was I didn't care for other people whatsoever and preferred to be alone. So talk to your daughter about it? She's got the right to decide herself whether she really wants to be forced into being social. Sure you want whats best for her, but no one knows her like she does.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): I could have posted this question a year ago about my son. We had very similar concerns -- he was a very nice, kind child, with excellent grades, but seemed to have few friends. He was happier with computer games; we'd invite friends over, but after a couple of hours, my son seemed to really want them to go away.
And then it was like a switch was flipped. Now he's the centre of a social circle. He's in grade 6, and he's the go-to guy. We had a parent-teacher interview last week, and we told the teacher we were mildly concerned about him balancing this new social life with continued good academic performance. He snorted: you were worried about me not having friends, now it's too many friends.
It's tough as a parent. You're wanting everything to go just right. But grade 5 is a transition time. If she's doing OK now, then just chill a bit. She may very well be on the cusp of better things.
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