A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'm 18 years old and in a very steady, loving relationship with my boyfriend of the same age. We both feel ready to have sex together but I have a problem which I really don't know how to approach. I was raped when I was 16 and although I feel that I am finally over it as well as one can be emotionally, I seriously worry that physically can't control myelf from tensing up. Without going into too much detail, I am very tight anyway, sometimes i've found tampons painful to insert. The rape was very painful and about a year after I tried to have sex with a lad I was seeing casually at the time (not really based on love or emotion) and although he eventually (after a mortifying 15mins of trying) penetrated me it was absolute agony for me. I haven't tried to have sex with anyone after that as I really couldn't handle the embarrassment and pain. Now I feel ready to sleep with my boyfriend and after looking at other peoples questions and answers, I definatly feel that lube is the way to go. However, I really don't know how I could bring this up or suggest it. I know alot of people may respond with answers along the lines of "if you love eachother and care you should be able to talk about this" but the tricky thing is hes been so patient and dealt with so much baggage from me (eg. constantly breaking down during none-penetrative sexual acts etc.) and due to the negative image lube has, I can't make him even more fearful that I'll be ok and even more fragile (and therefore less sexually appealing) to him. Please help, (and please avoid "if he loves you you'll work through this, I know he would pretend not to mind but I also know that he actually would be bothered) I can't really think how anyone could help here, but anythings appreciated!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): "I really don't know how I could bring this up or suggest it."
Well, he isn't the issue, and you need to be up front and honest and let him know that first. The issue is the rape.
That needs to be out and in the open before you do anything more.
"I feel that I am finally over it as well as one can be emotionally"
You probably are doing as well as you can at this point. So, be very frank with this guy. Show him what you wrote here. Before you get into the act, both of you need to know that you have to gradually work to get to that point and you and he need to both trust each other more than most couples do at that point because of what has happened. Go slow, use lube, make it fun, but don't rush to intercourse because that will ruin it all.
People react differently to rapes, and the aftermath can span the range from hypersexual behavior to asexuality. My girlfriend was raped about the same age as you, it took her many years to understand the full effect the rape had on her, and it took her a long time into our relationship (several years) to tell me about the rape.
A
male
reader, ch1p01  +, writes (26 December 2010):
 I dont see how lube is a negative thing. everyone that i know that has sex uses lube.
My girlfriend had a similar problem, not such a traumatic experience, but enough of an abusive one to make her afraid of sex and therefore tight and dry. I found that just talking with her and letting her decide when we were going to have sex and not pushing her helped. Also lots of lube, not cheap stuff, really good stuff, and a good condom. If your BF is against condoms and lube, then you need to talk with him and tell him that no condom = no sex, unless your fine or whiling to accept the potential outcome of unprotected sex. I found that condoms made it hard for me to feel much sensation during sex so i discovered the lifestyle ultra thin and ultra sensitive type and the lifestyle skyn. These all work just as effectively and made a 100% difference in feeling. Also for lube i recommend KY Silk, I lv eand she loves it and it lasts a long time.
But back to you. Make sure if you try sex, that u have guys engage in lots of foreplay. That helped my girlfriend alot. Im not talking about u doing things to him, unless tat turns you on, but rather he should focus on you fulling the first couple of times. Have him give you massages with scented oil, kiss you neck and shoulders and upper back, slowly rub your inner thighs, just all around make you feel euphoric. Also maybe let him finger you with one finger slowly when u feel ready or let him give you oral. The whole time think I bout how good these things will feel and how much you love this man. After a while your body will respond to these thoughts and begin to loosen up.
I also got my Gf a little vibrator that was half the size of me to use during foreplay so that she would get loosened up and have full control of what was going on. That might be a good idea for you two.
When it actually comes to sex, only try missionary position until you feel more comfortable than maybe you get on top and try that cus you will have full control. After your comfortable with that try dogie, then after that you two are free to decide.
The key here is communication. You cannot get over you fear of sex alone. You need your BF to help you, and he needs to be selfless about it. Lube is a must. It will take a long time, but it is well worth it. It took me 7 months of working with my girlfriend. It was messy in the beginning, and frustrating, and not so much fun for me, but well worth it now because her sex drive is way higher, she actually gets turned on now, she will try new things, and we both enjoy sex and have long passionate sex.
I believe that you and your BF can get over this together. just dont be afraid to communicate, and trust me lube is not embarrassing. Buying condoms and lube the first time is embarrassing, but you get over it, cashiers don't even look at what you are buying anyways.
Good luck to the both of you, sorry for the long response.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010):
You may have vaginismus. With vaginismus, the mind and body have developed a muscle memory or conditioned response against penetration. The body has learned to expect or anticipate pain upon penetration, so that the powerful PC muscle 'flinches' or contracts to protect against the potential of intercourse pain. This can be equated to automatically blinking one's eyes and wincing when an object is hurled toward us. It is not something a woman thinks about doing - it just happens. Unfortunately, instead of preventing pain, the tightening of the PC muscle group ultimately causes pain; although acting as a defense mechanism against pain, the opposite effect results. The spasms cause burning or pain upon penetration or movement and may even completely block entry.
http://www.moondragon.org/obgyn/disorders/vaginismus.html
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): I don't know if you have talked to anyone like at a rape crisis centre, if not google it and find one in your area, I think they could be of real help to you.
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A
female
reader, Mikymoo  +, writes (26 December 2010):
Hun when u get in the set mood ur body relaxes and let's loose! If his the one u want to do this with and he knows whatnhas happened he will be gentle!
Goodluck Hun
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (26 December 2010):
 I dont understand what the negative image that lube has is?
Its a fact of life - MANY women do not produce enough natural lubrication and have to use lube. There is nothing wrong with that. Not all women are wet and damp during sex, some need a little help, its ok to use lube!
Your boyfriend will understand. Just ask him if the first time you could use lube, to make sure things are easy to slide in.
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): btw, he is a virgin so i really want his first time to be great....
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