A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My girl friend and I got in an argument last night about sex. I get tired it’s me who wants sex. She never starts it, and now she is too tired, because of work, one full time job an one part time job. I realize that, but now it’s the holidays. She is too busy. It’s only been once a month, for months. She says I last too long, I only asking you know maybe once a week, but then its only me on top, what I told her, from now on , am not even going to try any more. We been together about a year. We always act like were still in the honeymoon stage far as kissing hugging, how we talk to each other. Am I asking for too much, wanting to make love?
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (13 December 2017):
 I don't see any justification for the assumption that they live together or for the assumption that she is doing all of the house work and Christmas prep and has been doing so since some time in September.
The Original poster has long left. But since you bring up this housework topic, I'll be glad to address it.
Housework and sex:
Some people claim that there is some connection between how much housework a man does and how attractive he is. Some people claim that there is a connection between how much house work a woman does and how interested in sex she is. Let me explain the connection. When a woman is not interested in sex she frequently does one of two things. She sets up a bunch of housework hoops for the husband to jump through with the promise that if he just takes on 3 more chores she will miraculously become interested in sex. She doesn't actually want him to do housework, because he doesn't do it right anyway, but as long as he is kept busy, she doesn't have to answer the sex question, that she wasn't really interested in anyway. Typically more tasks are added, and more specific methods are required to keep the process going as long as possible. This is because she is not interested in sex.
She claims that doing all of this house work will make him more attractive, but in fact she is turned off by a man who does everything she says. She wants mystery and challenges, but if she can keep him busy she won't have to figure out why she is still with a man she isn't attracted to.
A woman who doesn't want to engage in sex will find something else to do. She will deep clean the house. She will plan elaborate holiday get togethers. She will spend days shopping for the perfect gift. Because when you don't want to do some thing there is always something more fun to do.
There is one way a man can do housework and improve the sexual relationship. It is very important that any man attempting this follows this simple rule. Do House work with her. Talk, and joke, and bump into each other. She will scream that this is NOT quality time, but it will become quality time. She will not feel resentful and abandoned. She will see you as a partner.
Now that will not guarantee that you will suddenly become attractive, or that her sex drive will pick up. What it will do is bond you emotionally.
To the OP. You have been 3 - 4 months in a sexless relationship. If there is in deed some house work resentment, I would try working together for up to 6 months. It's a good habit to get into anyway.
Otherwise if you are living separately, if your personal hygiene is up to snuff. Regular haircuts daily showers, nice cloths for dates, that kind of thing, if there is no obvious reason why she isn't sexually attracted to you. Then it's either menopause and she should see her doctor, or she just isn't interested in sex.
There are plenty of reasons not to be interested in sex, but in the end the only thing that is important is that she is not interested in sex with you and you are interested in sex with her. That makes you incompatible.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2017): Sorry but busy is no excuse.She isn't feeling it for you sexually.Kissing and hugging means there is affection but not sexual chemistry.I've been with my man almost 5 years and I am so into him sexually I can't see straight.I would have sex with him more than 3 times a week. But he is quite a lot older so I go easy on him! LolShe is just making excuses. You are still in the honeymoon phase of a relationship and sex is like a long time married couple who have become roommates.That is a problem.Mismatched sex drives is a big one.You will grow to resent her. Looks like you already do. And eventually you will meet a girl who wants and loves to have sex with you.Decide what is most important for you.No man should live in a sexless relationship and a woman should never deny him something this essential.My ex husband didn't want a lot of sex. I couldn't live that way. I left him. My man now blows me away. I made the right decision.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2017): First question I ask is do you live together? If you do does she do all the house work?Is she the one doing all the Christmas prep? Guess what.Doing all that with working full time plus working part time is way too much.Of course she does not want sex she is doing way too much.You do all the house work all the grocery shopping all the Christmas shopping and wrapping.you run all the errands.you get a part time job on top of your full time job and see if you want sex after all of that.Maybe you do all the house work and you run all the errands and maybe she might have more energy left for you.If I was her and doing everything I would also resent the hell out of you and that alone would kill your sex life. Maybe help out a little more..maybe a lot more... it seems like no one has common sense anymore... unbelievable.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2017): Hey man, give your lady a spa-day as a present for the Holidays! She works a full-time AND a part-time job! Get yourselves a weekend-vacation of luxury; at a cozy inn with a fireplace! She needs rest and some pampering. Romance and TLC! Not just sex!
This particular topic comes up a lot. It often happens to older-men with a healthy libido. If you and your girl-friend are in the same age-group; it is likely she is menopausal or could be post-menopausal. There is a point in aging where the sex-drive decreases, fluctuates; even dissipates altogether.
Some women as they age, suffer from vaginal-dryness; which makes intercourse very painful. You have to ask her if there may be a few health problems she's having that diminishes her sexual-desire. Others may peak sexually between 35 and 55; and men can't keep up with them.
That's how tricky nature can be with aging! Medications even lower sex-drive as a side-effect; or sites of recent surgeries cause discomfort. Only for some reason, people don't open-up and just spit it out; and tell what's going on.
For me, those people go in the ejector-seat. I don't waste my time. I feel they deserve to know what's going on with me; and I refuse to settle for less in return. I'm not getting any younger. I'm not old yet either! Thus far, my relationships have been great. I've learned some things. I've been taught and gained something from everyone I've loved. Nobody knows it all! You learn as you go! Be a work in-progress! If you can't teach an old-dog new tricks, he's too old to care!
The point is, to always be receptive to the feelings, needs, and concerns of your lover. If you're not, the well drys-up!
Some older-ladies that I know are from the old-school; and have been conditioned to think sex is dirty, only necessary to please your husband, and silly after a certain age. Surprising that anyone would think this way in this day and age, but there are reasons. It's about upbringing and conditioning. Both by parents, and a double-standard society!
The biggest problems in relationships is people dodging any discussion about sex and affection. They feel embarrassed, or they don't want to be pressured to explain themselves; because they know their partner just may not like the truth. They don't want to upset or lose their partner; because they need him or her. They just want the affection, attention, and companionship; but not the sex. You can't just "friend-zone" your lover; and expect someone who loves sex to just take that without discussion. Get outta here!!!
That isn't fair, and I detest closed-off behavior. Long before we became a committed-couple; I had a talk with my now-boyfriend about sex. I explained certain sex-acts I wasn't comfortable with; or didn't want to perform. Things I just didn't like. He's very kind and patient. I'm flexible; so we've compromised. I'm not so selfish or hardheaded to just say "it is what it is." Then he could have told me to just take a walk! Rightfully so!
My point being, if you're a grown-up; and can't use your words to communicate with your partner. You'll have one failed relationship after another. It's stupidity! Stay out of relationships; unless you can express yourself. I've never known a mind-reader! Only convincing frauds!
I was in a 28-year domestic-partnership that ended when my partner passed-away from cancer. So I learned much about intimacy, communication, effective-arguing/debate; and maintaining synchronization between our moods, sexual-needs; and when to back-off. No means no, "I'm tired" means "I'm tired;" and "I'll make it up to you" means a lot to me. Pouting is for spoiled-children. Not for people our age.
This knowledge has been useful in my current relationship; and one brief-one before it. Anyone who knows me, knows I have no problem expressing my thoughts and feelings. I'm straight to the point. I'm a good listener, and I have a gift that puts people at ease; so they feel comfortable sharing with me. Sometimes, too much information! I think that's necessary in every relationship. I gained it from the example set by my own parents. It's why my relationships last. I saw how it worked for my parents; so I practice it. It doesn't always work; but most of the time it does. Most of the time is good enough. I can't always have it my way!
I refuse to commit to pathetically-insecure people, or people who are closed-off. Get a psychiatrist, not a boyfriend or girlfriend! I don't have the time, nor the patience for that crap. I'm not a kid anymore, and I use the brain-matter God gave me. I "carefully" use my words when discussing sensitive-issues with my mate. We tell each other how we feel and what we need from each other. Again... NO, I don't always have my way! I have to compromise, or take no for an answer. With dignity! I sometimes have to say no, but it's so rare; I can't remember the last time I did say no!
It's not easy getting people to talk about sex; especially when one partner is trying to tell the other they need more, or less. That doesn't automatically readjust their sex-drive. "Oh, hon! I need more sex!" "Okay, coming right-up, dear!" If only it was that simple! No it's not always you, it's them. But sometimes, it is you!
You have to be gentle, you have to be receptive to listen to what may not be something you want to hear. "Listen" being the operative-word! She did tell you! She just may not enjoy sex with you; or she doesn't really like sex much anymore. You don't want to hear that (who does?); you'll probably march right out the door! So she'll clam-up! You may only be nice when you want sex. She's not stupid!
She has no right to clam-up without some adult-discussion about it; nor do you have a right to chastise her for being honest with you. Sex and intimacy is just so touchy of a subject; because of performance-anxiety and the inevitable changes with time and age. Bitter push-back, or causing a broken-heart!
Physical-health, mental-health, passion, and sex-drive are factors in our lives that can change unexpectedly. Then there's technique and overall sexual-performance. You're not always a 10, sometimes you're a 2! If you're more often a 2, she's getting short-changed! So why bother?
Some guys are so business pleasuring themselves; that they are totally oblivious to their partner's responses. Your GF may have always been very passive, not particularly interested sexually; and just submitted to please you. She told you it takes you too long; so it gets boring. If you can't maintain a full-erection; or it takes awhile to get it up. The fumbling and bumbling around gets annoying. You also have to admit to yourself, when you might need a little help. You might need to see your doctor. Some don't like roughness, or over-sized/undersized penises. Such is life!
If she can't keep-up with the activity, or sex on-demand; she's just passively lying there in submission. There is no pleasure in that! Especially when you're tired! If you're a clumsy-lover. No kissing, sloppy-kisses, no foreplay! No snuggling, stroking, or caressing? Just hop on, get your jollies, release yourself, and rollover. How many men will admit that's what they do? Not many if any! They will insist they are doing everything they can to please their partner. A little fly on the wall would tell a different story. Ego will not allow men to admit when they are lousy lays! Some are just too stupid to know the difference, or care!
Then there's the "grouchy old-man syndrome." Never listens, gets irate easily, yells a lot, never pays a compliment, orders people around, rude in public, always complaining, "farts" around (gross!); and is generally unpleasant and disgusting. Nobody wants sex with someone like that. So check yourself. If you've let yourself go, and you're not much to look at (meaning disheveled, poor-hygiene, style-challenged, or generally sloppy); it might hurt your feelings, but it's hard to feel aroused with someone huffing and puffing on top of you, that you're really not physically-attracted to anymore. That's life, it's tough sometimes. You've lived long enough to know that.
Determine if it's a health-issue. It might be painful, or she just lost all interest in it. I think exhaustion is more the reason; but you have to ask gently, and man-up to the truth. It may then come down to deciding whether you want to continue with the relationship as it is; if sex is that important to you. She may be willing to take a pill and compromise; or you may just have to accept sex is no longer a major factor in your relationship.
Life tests us. This is a test. It is a test of endurance, compatibility, and the durability of this relationship. It is a test of what it is built upon, and whether it may have run it's course? You must communicate without using intimidation; and you should not pressure her. You should be understanding, kind, and show class no matter what the outcome.
Maybe she thinks this relationship isn't going anywhere; and you're only there for the sex. Better up your game, player!
This is life, people in our age-group have seen enough of it to have some wisdom and understanding accumulated though a lot of experience. Patience comes at a premium these days; and most people are deficient of it. They avoid being truthful if it means they have to give-up something they want.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 December 2017):
You need to reduce the stress in her life give her more time to relax and rest. Start by not asking her out on dates. Not calling her up. Not sending texts or gifts. You get the idea. Pretty much not contacting her.
Once a month is the definition of a sexless relationship. The good news is that it isn't so difficult to reduce sex by only one time a month.
You will be much happier in a relationship where both people are in love.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (11 December 2017):
 You know that saying, sex happens between the ears not the legs? If you have a good sex life usually and that's CHANGED, that indicates there's something going on in her head- that or she has a medical condition.. there is nothing someone's too busy for to make them STOP wanting to have sex with their partner, I'm sorry.
You need to speak to her, because we can't tell you what's on her mind. Sometimes small things for a women can often turn into big resentments, and something you haven't even thought of or remember doing/saying could be playing on her mind.
If she's turned the tap off, it's a sign something's wrong.. YOU need to get to the bottom of it by asking her- don't get angry or act entitled, just be honest and say that you're hurt, feel unloved and are worried about what's on her mind.. I wish you well, hopefully it's nothing too serious. Never take anything for granted
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