A
female
age
41-50,
*till hot and over40
writes:Im 43 and my self confidence and 20 yr relationship is suffering more and more with progressive viewing of porn by my partner. We’ve always enjoyed watching it together every once in awhile and I’m willing to spice up our sex life within reason. But lately he’s less than ambitious to try anything new or old instead he’s got to view every other woman but me (it feels like).He swears it’s not true and tells me how lucky he is to have such a sexy woman like me. But he continues to look at porn and now tries to hid it. We’ve been in this cycle for about the last 4 yrs and we get along in every other way basically and our sex life used to be magical. Now I can’t get these feelings of being settled for or less than because I’ll never be 20 and hot again. I also need to add that he’s 11 yrs older than me so I get that dirty old man feeling about him. He’s a really good man we’ve never had any drama or bs in our relationship until now and he’s always taken care of me and our kids. I just don’t know what to do and I’ve told him how it makes me feel and he just tries to hid it more. Help please
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2018): Except watching mainstream movies is not condoning an industry that support sex trafficking , calling women wh...rea and c...ts regularly and basically degrading anc entire gender That's the worse advice I've ever heard . That women should just shut up and put up with porn even if they fundamentally disagree with it or if they find it personally damaging to them or their relationships How about instead of women 'just putting up with it ' because all men supposedly do it , women just refuse to accept men who do it I'm pretty sure stats on how many men did it would start changing if the only men getting laid were the ones who opened their eyes and brains and started thinking about how their porn use supports this industry and how it impacts women and society in general . Sure some could hide it but the minute they were found out they would lose any sexual partner and it be back to mrs palmer
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2018): Welcome to the 21st century. Men watch porn. You could try and find a new man who doesn't, but then you would probably end up alone because virtually all men watch porn.
He is going to watch porn. If you complain about it, he will try and hide his watching. I think you should view this issue like you watching mainstream movies. Just because you enjoy seeing handsome leading men doesn't mean that you are going to leave your man in hopes of finding a man as handsome as them. Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2018): I love the last uncles explabation although I'm somewhat confused about the 'women don't like explaining how their bodies react to gravity ' comment
Ummm don't all human bodies react to gravity ? I'm a 50 yr old woman and sure gravity affects me as it does everyone but I find it quite insulting for it to be suggested that men's bodies are somehow immune to reacting to gravity or react somehow better . Hell I've had four kids and carry extra weigh and still defy gravity better than most men my age
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2018): Meant to say:
"There is a solution to the problem; once it becomes an issue within your relationship."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2018): I sort of scrolled by your post a couple of times; but noticed no uncles have weighed-in. May I be the first? I think you could use a man's point of view on this issue.
Let me correct you on some remarks about your hotness. Let me remind you of the fact that there are many people well over the age of 20; as sexy and hot as they ever were. Some in their 60's! I know a sexy-lady who's 70! A dance-instructor, that no one knows her true-age! I was shocked!
Healthy, fit, and active-people are still quite flexible, their skin is as supple, and they have as much vitality and vigor as they had in their much younger years. I'm over 50, and I go to the gym four times a week. I also workout at home, and jog. I'm in better shape now than in my 30's. I won't say 20's; because those are your gym-rat years, when you have a turbo-metabolism! You're dating, and your physique is all you think about. In your 30's you'll taper-off into contentment; because you've settled into your professional-career, and have family-obligations. You're either married, or in a long-term committed-relationship.
If in your mid-40's or older; your kids are teenagers, or they're now college-students, you have more free-time for yourself. You can return to self-maintenance. Stay in shape. Eat better. Gym-memberships are much cheaper! There's practically a gym on every block. Home-equipment is more the thing now!
Back to your problem. Porn to men is different from what it is to women. Too much porn for men can become a substitute for real-sex. It has nothing to do with your partner's sex-appeal, or his/her age. Gay-men share your pain. We can lose our partners to porn also. In-fact, it may have nothing much to do with you at all. Simply put; it's not you! It's him. He now prefers masturbation to all the trouble of trying to get you off. He can be done in 3-5 minutes! Nobody complains, you can just fall asleep!
Over-indulgence and prolonged-use of porn will deplete your sex-drive; due to frequent masturbation. You also get desensitized to the friction of intercourse/penetrative-sex. Needing a sex-partner is no longer a necessity, but an option. It's sex for the sake of quickly getting-off; and less for the sake of emotionally-attached intimacy. Immediate-gratification, and less labor-intensive.
It's not entirely that he prefers the porn-actresses to his wife/girlfriend/boyfriend. Come on! He can't touch a video-image! He can only see it! If he's frequently masturbating, he's pretty much already spent, or satisfied; when it comes time for real-sex. He may have already ejaculated 2-3 times already. Porn makes him selfish and lazy. For some guys; they get really weird, and more fetish-oriented. Their appetite for more alternative sex-acts becomes more active. The usual sex-play they have with their regular-partner is boring. He might be afraid to shock or disgust you. They want toys, tools, pain...and I'll just stop there. Some guys don't want their partners or spouses to stoop or submit to that level/kind of sexual-activity. It may turn him on; but he'd rather not tarnish his perception of you as his lover.
Men tend to prefer watching it alone; but will allow for his partner to be there. Let's not play coy. Being his wife, you're not really a loyal-fan and committed-viewer of pornography; as much as you are being a monitor, judge, and reminder that you're his real sex-partner. Playing his external-conscience, and keeping an eye on what he's viewing. He's not a kid, and will not let you neutralize his pleasure.
It starts to make you competitive, feel jealous, insecure; and it can erode your self-esteem. If you'd be honest about it; you aren't really that into it. Not as much, or for the same reasons. It's a tool to spice-up your sex-life, for you. You want to share his interest in it; so not to feel left-out. You want his focus on you, not the porn.
After awhile, it will start to feel like his mother is in the room. Keeping an eye on him. So you'll get phased-out, and he'll watch it more alone. He'll hide his viewing; obviously to avoid your nagging and complaints. He doesn't want to be asked to give it up. He'll deny it has anything to do with his desire for you. That's not true!
You're not nagging per say. If you're continuously asking him to stop; when he doesn't want to. It's like nagging, to him. Your concern and pain is legit. Your complaints are justified. It's stealing part of him from you! A good part!
If you have other domestic-problems in the marriage; that also contributes to the loss of intimacy.
Masturbation is a selfish-pleasure; and there are no demands placed on taking care of yourself. I don't like porn. Never have. I've noticed that you can get easily addicted to masturbation. Even if you really enjoy making-love, or having sex with an actual partner.
I've read a lot about sex-addiction and porn-addiction; and I've had some really deep discussions with my buddies. A couple of guys I know; who like porn, and watch it regularly. Those I know who have partners, or spouses; admit they sometimes find themselves using it too much. They admit it does lessen their desire for real-sex. Thus the many complaints from you; and most other women who's boyfriends or husbands frequently watch porn. My guy and I don't watch it. He said he used to when he was in his early 20's. Back then, porn was taboo.Considered perverse; and not as mainstream and widely accessible. Nor was it as explicit as it is these days. There is something for every twisted-taste, and then some! I'm no prude, but wow!
Once it becomes habit, it's hard to break. The porn-industry is preying on a specific psychological-predisposition in males. They prey on the dopamine-producing center of the brain. The more dopamine you stimulate in the brain; the more you want. The euphoria after orgasm is habit-forming. Same-thing happens in drug-addiction. We men are visual, and we like fondling ourselves. It starts as soon as we are aware we have a penis. Thus the porn-industry has tapped into a great market; and profit from the addictive-properties of their product.
Society, and even women, willingly condones and participates in sexual-exploitation for the purpose of profit and/or entertainment. Not all women advocate women's rights or liberation. Some like making men drool and lust after them. Obviously, not all women are like that. Most prefer it limited to their partners, not just any male or female. Men don't worry about so many restrictions and standards about sex. Few are hung-up about how we go about getting it, or how we pleasure ourselves. It's a guy thing.
The is a solution to the problem; once it becomes an issue within your relationship. Maybe because he has become porn-dependent, and addicted to masturbation; versus having real-sex and intimacy. Not to exclude other factors. Boredom, predictability, tired of the same partner, money-problems, stress from work, emotional shut-down caused by frequent fighting, health-issues, side-effects from medication; and partial to complete erectile-dysfunction. These are not excuses, but real contributing-factors. Guys won't always talk about it.
Many younger-men are facing erectile-dysfunction; due to too much masturbation. With or without the use of porn. Too much porn being more likely the cause. Going from single with none, to irregular sex. To having a partner, and sex on-demand; is a transition for some guys. Porn was all they had previously. They never realized how it can be so addictive.
Sometimes it will take the complete eradication or total-abstinence from the use of porn. Throw it out! With his permission, of course! He still has a phone! His brain has to be rebooted. He has to literally reprogram his pleasure-centers to desire sex with a partner; and not just be pleased with visual-images leading to arousal, then masturbation. Losing the emotional-component of love-making; and willingness to satisfy his partner.
It may take a sex-therapist, or a psychologist; depending on whether it is a full-fledged porn-addiction, or simply a combination of marital-problems. Many things can attribute to a guy losing his desire for intimacy with his rightful-partner. Porn is a convenient target; but may not be the only reason. You may need professional-counseling and mediation to open that channel of communication. Once it's a habit, it's like smoking. Tough to break. Guys don't like explaining our sexuality, erectile-dysfunction; or justifying what turns us on. That's getting too deep into our brains. It feels intrusive. No more than women enjoy discussing your period, weight-gain, menopause, female-problems; or how your bodies react to gravity.
Sorry if it's too long. I really want to help.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 July 2018):
 After 20 years of being together sex do seem to decline naturally. But not if both partners are in good health and still INTO sex, I'd say. There would still be physical intimacy. and you are only 43. HE however, is 54? SO it could be HIS "abilities" are declining.
Has he had episodes with ED (erectile dysfunction)? Where he couldn't stay hard or "perform" for very long with penetration? If so, that might be why he is at it with porn. There is NO pressure to "perform". (not that I am saying YOU are pressuring him, it's more that HE isn't wanting to accept that his virility is going down).
You have had the talk about porn and nothing changed for the better. So you need to rethink your approach.
I'm not a fan of porn and don't watch it. I am, however, not upset when/if my husband does. But I am also not having intimacy issues with him, like you are with your partner. So porn is not encroaching on our level of intimacy.
It seems to me that you feel like he is "cheating" on you with porn. He certainly is CHEATING out of a good sex WITH the porn. So maybe that should be the next approach you should try.
Have you told him HOW much you miss the sex life you two ad BEFORE the porn got so "important" to him? that him trying to hide it only makes it worse, that you feel it is like him LYING about it. (hiding it, that is).
I don't think it's really about WHAT he is watching that is the issue but WHY he is watching it.
If it is due to him feeling like he isn't able to perform like he used to - then go from there and find things that HE can do sexually to please you AND himself.
If he has just become lazy and uninterested in sex with you - well THAT is a problem. Because YOU are not satisfied, and he KNOWS you probably won't leave over this. but again, it's something that you two possibly can work out.
So have another talk. And maybe also ASK him HOW he would feel if you started doing what HE is doing.. Watching younger studs screwing the fire out of other women. Men with GREAT bodies, maybe even huge dicks or "amazing" skills.... And NOT wanting to have much in the way of intimacy with him.... HOW would he feel?
They are awkward conversations for sure but you GOT to have them in order to try and fix them.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 July 2018):
 It sounds like he has developed a habit off watching porn and is neglecting you. I know it is easy for me to say not to take it personal, but honestly you shouldn't. Am guessing watching porn is a release for him, men tend to get off more visualizing things than women do. However I understand why it is knocking your confidence. Maybe he is struggling with his libido, either way it cannot go on like this. Trying to hide it is disrespectful to you as his wife. You need to sit down with him and tell him just how you feel, tell him it is really starting to effect the marriage and if he does not work hard it will end up ending the marriage. Do you feel you would benefit from going to a couples therapist so that you can both talk in a controlled environment and try to understand each other better? Intimacy and passion is very important in a marriage and he does need to sort out his issues. It seems the more porn men watch the more they get used to it and if he is masturbating to it he is probably getting used to his hand more than sex and that could be why he is not as interested any more. He has gotten lazy and he needs to realize you are not happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2018): Although some people may tell you that porn is totally ok and you are the one with the problem I agree totally with you here and understand entirely where your coming from as I'm in a Similar position. To me the majority of pirn is extremely disrespectful of women and particularly promotes sexualising youth ( as young as possible and pushing boundaries is seen as a positive on most porn sites and viewers have no way of knowing whether the girls are actually of legal age or have been coerced )There's just so many ethical issues not to mention the names women are referred to . It makes it hard to respect a man when he finds this type of thing exciting rather than the body and sexuality of the real life woman he is with Maybe ask your partner what it is he gets from porn and what he respects about women . What he respects about you and who are some of the women he respects as people in life . Start asking him to open up about his values and how he views women. This should help you ascertain if he is the sort of person you want to spend your life with
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