A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my girlfriend of fourteen months about six weeks ago, and since then it's been a mess. I had to leave her because she was emotionally abusive and kept on playing mind games - also our sex life had died and we had no communication. A dead relationship, in other words.But since then she has been obsessively chasing me. She has taken steps to go and see a psychiatrist and sort out her problems (she has terrible self-esteem - so if someone loves and values her, she thinks that person is not worthy of respect and acts accordingly). She tells me that she wants to have a better life, but she thinks that if I'm not in her life then there's no point. She says that my leaving her was a wake-up call.It goes up and down - we argue and then she deletes my phone number so that she won't have the temptation to call me - and then she comes to my workplace two days later to get it back.I really don't know what to do. I support her, but she says that my friendship makes her feel worse because she is in love with me. I want her to get help and sort her life out, but at the same time I have moved on and I'm scared that if I go back to her I'll fall back into the rut and lose all the self-esteem that I'm just starting to get back. I love her and sometimes I miss her, but I don't know. Should I give her another chance?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007): You need to take a step back from this, take time out, cut contact with her at least for a while. I know you want to help her but you have to sort yourself out first and have a clear head. She is clearly an anxious person but she has to learn to conquer her anxiety and understand that her behaviour is not acceptable.
You should not consider to get back into a destructive and abusive relationship with her - even out of pity. People stop communicating and having sex sometimes but the only way they can come back from that if they are able to find a constructive solution. That takes two people. Her playing victim all the time is destructive.
A
female
reader, love-him  +, writes (11 July 2007):
 Hey babe i dont realy sugest you get back together as i dont realy think it will work out.. i think she is good for gettin help, but you dont need the stress in your life. I hope i helped & good luck =) Mail me if you would like to talk x x
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A
female
reader, LauraE +, writes (11 July 2007):
I don’t think you should get back together because the relationship would probably go the same way as last time. She is doing the right thing by getting help, but no doubt this will take a while. Getting back into the same mess would stop her making progress. It would also damage you, and you do need to think of yourself as well. You know better than anyone whether it is possible to be only a platonic friend to her. I suspect that this would be extremely difficult. I think you need to explain this to her – that you think that she can get over her problems faster if she doesn’t see you for a while. You don’t want to make this a big rejection, so you could say that you want to be friends again when she has had time to sort herself out. If she has friends and family who are near enough to help her, maybe you could suggest that she gets some support from them in place of you? However hard it is to be firm, you have to think about your own well-being. Good luck.
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