A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:OK, this is going to be quite long but I will try to be as brief as I can. Basically, I had been with my girlfriend for 18 months. Last year, I started university and I used to travel home to see her every other weekend and she would travel to see me every other weekend. We made our long distance relationship work because we were really close and our reward at the end of this would be her moving to the same city as me to start at another university. Great huh? We'd get to see more of one another and explore the city together as a couple that were really happy after 18 months. Now, here's the thing. Like any close couple, we had little arguments here and there but we always work things out. In the summer, we were talking about how exciting it would be with us both being closer and we made lots of plans about things we could do. However, when she started at university, she suddenly became very distant. Which made me a bit insecure and paranoid when then made her ever more distant. Talk about a vicious circle! I was being very naive I guess to expect that things wouldn't change, but having been at university for a year myself and willing to make things work, I didn't really expect things to change. But, she's in a new city with new friends and having a new life which is obviously very exciting for her. I have realised now that I should've understood that things would have to calm down for a bit while she settled in. A few weeks ago, it all came to a head when she started posting photos of herself on Facebook looking very close to some guy. I got upset/paranoid and this created tension and arguing. She insisted/insists that nothing is going on, but one photo is of her and him holding hands, another is of her and him with their arms around each other and what not. She says there's nothing going on, but I wouldn't be surprised if something has happened. It's the rule we all know about, somebody that's clingy and easy isn't attractive and that's the person I became. I am just really upset that she could just change so suddenly and I am annoyed at myself for not being cooler about the whole situation. Anyway, after a few arguments and her not really giving me any answers I asked her if she still wanted to be with me. She said she didn't know and she needed a break. She did say that she loved me at this point and was telling me that she didn't want to make a huge mistake by letting me go. So, I agreed thinking that it would give us time to work out what we needed to change in the relationship so we could better ourselves. A few days into the break, she contacted me and asked me to help her out with one of her university assignments. She came to my house and I helped her. We spoke briefly about the break and I told her that I had realised how hard I had been with her and that I now understand that her new life is something that is exciting and I apologised for making her feel trapped. When she left, we kissed and hugged goodbye. I told her that I love her and she told me that she loved me too. Anyway, a few more days go by and I call her. I wanted to know how things were and how the break was going. She then said that she liked things how they are and we then broke up. She told me that she didn't want to lose me completely and still wanted me to be part of her life. I told her no. I said that I can't just switch my feelings off and that she has to expect me to not be around for her anymore. We parted on good terms tho, ending with all the usual "I'll always be there for you" BS.This was last week, I have been up and down about the whole thing but the main thing is that I have been positive enough to know that yes, there is a life without her, but a life with her would be much better. I have realised my mistakes and know that things can be different. Earlier this week, (3 days after NC), I was out with my friends and having a really good night. In a good way, I missed her. I wasn't sad that I missed her. Anyway, foolishly, I drunkenly sent her a text saying: "I miss you. x"The next day, she responded with "Hey. It was probably a drunken text, but it was nice to hear from you. I won't blame you if you don't text back, but I just wanted to see how you are? x"I responded about six hours later saying that I was "good thanks" and that I hope she was too. Not spoken to her since. Granted, it's only been two days but I can't help but think that if I just disappear she'll get with this other guy that she's in all the photos with thinking that I am OK with everything. I know that pouring my heart out didn't work and I need to show her the person that she originally fell in love with, but how do I get to do this without seeming clingy? I am scared that if I back right off she will forget me and get with someone else. I really don't want that.
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a break, broke up, drunk, facebook, fell in love, insecure, long distance, text, trapped, university Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007): Holding hands and having their arms around each other... sure, suspect. You draw her attention to it and she breaks up instead of discussing the limits and see where your relation lacks strength and how to work upon that fragility. I don't see what much you can do. You already told her you love her in person and by text - and she said you were drunken. Auch. As an uncle was saying with other occasions, the way young people nowadays talk you don't even know if they mean respect by it or are poking fun or are saying it genuinly. You should know better. Now here's your lesson for the future. That would be to analyse where you did wrong, one mistake may be how you might have transformed what bothered you into tensions and arguing. Situations as this are solved calmly, no claims, no offences, simply. How did you react and treat her? As irremediably guilty maybe. The boy could have been a cousin in a fortunate situation. Know this, a girl who's rather less-traveled and unpopular may have fewer friends and be reserved in manifestations towards them, but if you have a popular girlfriend expect such episodes, yes. Only next time talk to her preventively, to see how she sees public displays of affection and how your limits coincide... OR NOT. If you are scared how she will react if you get back together, then you know too little of this girl in which case you have to pursue friendship, if anything. You didn't know each other well in the first place, hence, the arrival of "suddenly." Usually, there is a whole process going on, there are motives, intentions, situations, opportunities. Of course the effects deprived of this whole process will appear as sudden and unexpected. Good luck for the future almighty.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007): To me it seems as if she's having just as mixed feelings as you are, and i know exactly how that feels. You've also got to remember though that girls have twice, if not more, emotions than guys do so therefore you can't read into stuff too much. In other words, just because you see things one way, it could be completely different with her. (This also goes with the other guy. Girls really can have close guy friends that they hold hands with and it really not mean anything more than friendship. i my self, have a few of those)
as far as what you should do now...i really believe that you should tell her how you feel. If you really love her that much then you shouldn't let her get away too easily. But of course if she still wants to stick with the break up then you should respect that as well. She'll honor ur respect and remember you for that. and wouldn't u much rather her remember you as that kind of guy rather than a clingy bitter guy?
most importantly just tell her how you feel and how much you truely love her, then let her decide. don't bug her about it, just be there for her when she needs you. that's all you can really do at this point.
i hope i've been of some help to you and best of luck in whatever you chose to do!
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