A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a relationship with a girl who is 17 right now and will be 18 this summer. She'll be going to the same school I'm in (I got a late start).We do see each other often, even alone at my place sometimes. Overall our relationship is great. We share interests, values, ideas and philosophies.However, her parents believe we are simply good friends. She told me she is too afraid to let her parents know about our relationship, due to their overly "traditional" values. For example, she feels they'd have a problem with the fact that I'm a bit older, and even not considering that, they feel you should wait to be in a relationship or even date. ("Why tie yourself down?") She's very worried that if she were to tell them about our feelings or our relationship, they'd forbid us from seeing each other. She does not share their views on the subject (obviously, or else we wouldn't be dating) but her parents are definitely pretty set in their ways and will work pretty hard to impose their beliefs on their children. So, even though I don't like it, I gave her the compromise that I'll let her keep our relationship a secret from her family (and by extension, anyone who might tell her family) as long as, after she's 18 and moved out, she stops hiding and will not let her parents push her around about us at that time. She agreed.So, that in and of itself sucks, but the real problem is that now a mutual guy friend of ours approached me and told me 1. how much he likes her and 2. what I think of the idea of the two of them together. He's basically asking for my support if he asks her out. Neither of us have talked to him about our feelings or our existing relationship.Even though he's a mutual friend, I can't trust him not to tell the wrong person if I do tell him we're together. He does know her parents and (worst case) might even tell them on purpose if he knew just to spite me given that he wants her too. My GF has the same fears and thus, while she does reject and/or not respond to his flirtations, she hasn't flat out told him "No, I'm not interested, I like someone else/I'm taken/etc". I guess my question simply is, what should I do? I don't want our friend led on thinking he does have a chance with her - that's not fair to him. But I also don't want to cause undue stress on my GF by her family finding out and grounding her/forbidding us to talk/etc. I really want to talk to her about this, but I have no real good suggestions for her. The only options seem to be either she or I tells our friend that we're together and risk the consequences of her family finding out, or we neglect to do so and let him go on believing what he is, setting him up for hurt and even resentment later. (I can picture him going "you stole my girl" when he does find out) Also, saying "I just don't like you that way" would later end up in an argument like "But you like HIM, and we're similar! Why HIM and not ME!" Ugh.Thanks...
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