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anonymous
writes: I'm 26 and have been with me Girlfriend for 8 years now. She once used to be my sisters best friend and as we got to know each other we found there was so much deeper stuff between us. Life’s been dandy (don’t get me wrong there have been some real bad fights but we’ve always been able to work things out.) Two years ago she moved into a flat with two of her best girl friends and I kind of moved in with her. And last year we were lucky to get a nice house together. It’s every thing I wanted. Last summer we went on holiday back to the place where we first had feelings for each other and it seemed great but a little strange, (the night before we went away she’d been on a work night out I ended up picking her, her best friend, her boss and his friend up and driving them all home. The last night of the holiday I think she tried to tell me something, but never came out with it.On our way home we talked about getting married (not the first time that’s happened) and while shopping we picked out a ring. The plan was to tell everyone by the time we returned back home, but because she has small fingers it would take 10days for the ring to get resized so we had to wait. (Those turned out to be the longest days of my life)Within the next week things started to change. She got really involved in work and did lots of overtime. She’s always send lots of txt’s even outside work. It felt like a third person had stepped into our relationship. And she told me about how she thought she was falling in love with her boss. I disbelieved it at first but the txt’s got worse and it started to panic me. Nearing the end of the 10 days it was at a point where she had him texting her on one hand begging her to run away with him, and me on the other begging her to stop. I think this was real bad for her as we were both basically fighting for her and didn’t see how much she was hurting.The ring was ready and I collected it alone myself. The following day I asked her and after a teary moment she said yes. But she didn’t think it was a good idea to wear it as her boss would get jealous and (being her boss) could potentially make both our lives hell. I agreed so we didn’t bother telling anyone. Within the next few weeks things got bad again, she’d be so secretive about her hours at work and the txt’s the I knew the matter hadn’t gone away. She’d use MSN messager to chat to him (apparently she was letting him down easy – and I trusted her) but one day my frustration got the worst of me. And I ended up logging her activity on the computer. (What I found shocked me and ripped right though me) They joked about sex, and it was clear that they had gone much further then I’d thought. That night we rowed, and I told her what I had done and she said yes she did have sex. And I asked when, she told me about nights at work locked away. I felt so sick. We talked and a spent the next few nights next door in the spare room. Some how we crept back together and things calmed down again. Her boss was splitting up with his wife (propbibly because of this) and she feels bad because that’s its her fault. And I do think she was trying to make things work with us again. But he’d always still be there.Last xmas we decided that we’d go away from it all on holiday and it was the best week we’d had in a long time. I proposed properly and we told everyone when we got back so I know she told him then. She say’s she doesn’t want him and it was a stupid school girl crush.Is it because she needed the attention? Is it because she got scared of commitment, is it because I let her get away with far too much? Am I just too addicted to not letting her go?Last Thursday we were at a neighbour's house and we got rather drunk. I went into their kitchen and caught her giving my next door neighbour a hug. Instantly my jealousy kicked in and it must have been clear on my face what I thought. I know for sure nothing would ever happen as he’s not only my neighbour but my best friend. (It just felt all too familiar) We rowed and she walked off. My neighbour comforted me and looked after me that night they know about the affair. (I got even more drunk) The following day she returned. She’d called her boss and he’d looked after her. We talked and muturally agreeded we should be apart this weekend, so she would stop with her boss and she promised me nothing would happen. I still love her and she means everything to me…..So here I am sitting here typing this not knowing what to do. (It’s now Saturday morning and I’ve been up all night looking for help) thanks for listening.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (23 April 2005):
 The affair she had (which we hope she isn't still continuing) could have been due to her fear of committment or wanting attention. You love her, that's why you have stuck by her while she basically finds out what she wants. You must be so worried.It is so hard to build up trust when it has been knocked so badly. This will take time. Is she aware of this?Why does she have to stop with her boss? That seems like completely the wrong thing to do. How difficult it is for you to trust her with this man after all that has happened.I think firstly for your relationship to work, she should have nothing to do with her boss in the social, personal sense. It would be even better if she could change her job. It wouldn't be too much for you to ask her to have nothing to do with him after all you have been through. if she wants your relationship to work, she should consider this.What does she want? Her relationship with her boss could well have just been a crush but what does she want now? What does she see for the future? You need to find out what is on her mind.Have you considered seeing a counsellor together? Someone who is objective may be able to help.Why would she need looking after this weekend anyway?I think these issues need to be resolved before you can go on. You need to talk to her and see exactly what she wants. She also needs to realise why you will be jealous or feeling doubtful on occasions, even if she is innocent.She knows how you feel and could be taking a bit of advantage here, knowing that you will always be there for her no matter what. I think you need to take a bit of a stand and say that you won't put up with her spending time with her boss because of what happened before or anyone else for that matter. For your relationship to survive, there has to be more trust. I am not suggesting you attempt to possess her but she should know there are some unwritten rules that she should naturally abide by if she loves and respects you.Talk to her as soon as you can.I really hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2005): Good morning,There are a few things that are very clear and apparent here. You absolutely love your girlfriend and your girlfriend doesn't know how to love you back. You didn;t mention the your ages, but it seems that she is searching for self esteem. I would rather not use the term "once a cheater, always a cheater" because I know of a few rare cases that one "indescretion" healed and the partner never cheated again.Trust is something that is essential in a marriage and unfortunately, she is not giving you an adequate amount. She has no respect for you and honestly, you should have walked away, rather, should have RAN when she admitted her feelings for her boss. She wanted the security of you while sowing some oats with a person she obviosly didn't respect as well. She apparently was not afraid of her boss for her employment, rather she was probably deceiving him just as much as you. The sad part is you really care about her and right now, she is too immature to see it. Unless there is a pure, genuine desire from her to reconcile with and admit with an honest heart feelings and reasons, you should not move on with this relationship, instead move out!Everyone deserves a wonderful partner in life, and it is our sole obligation to appreciate it. Grab deep inside and dig up some self esteem and leave!!! There are always 3 sides to every story, I am hoping I was able to be of some help with yours!Good Luck!
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