A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, please give me some advice. Iv been with my boyfriend for just over a year now and we live together. I'm 22 he's 30. So I'm British and he's from a Muslim country, he's not religious however but he is set in the culture from there. So we've had many long chats about what we both expect in relationships, and as I truly love him iv adapted my life a lot to fit in with his culture, and I never thought anything of it, because I thought him to be worth the world. Iv started Learning his language and have been doing double my hours at work as were saving up to visit his family, and we've talked a lot of times about the future, about kids and stuff. So last night we had an argument about something small, which turned into something big. I told him I'm sick of him thinking e can speak to me like crap when he wouldn't take it off me, and I deserve his respect because he gets so much from me. So in the end of it, he drags all the were too different in culture stuff up, forgetting out of respect for him iv tried learning his culture to follow it. He tells me I'll never be good enough for him because I'm English, he can't see a future with me and he'd swap me for a girl from his country because that's the kind of girl he wants. He's destroyed me. I was so happy with him. And I tried everything to be the kind of person he expects. We talked about our future. I feel like our whole relationship was a lie, as everything he told me was opposite to what he said last night. Iv graduated from uni and have a good job, he's got no English qualifications and can't find a job, he's on benefits. In the past iv been told he's not good enough for me but iv never even thought anything like that and iv certainly never thought i'd be happier with another person who had money or anything like that. Please help me, overnight, iv lost my confidence, my pride and my trust. I don't know what to do. My head tells me to get out before he hurts me anymore, my heart loves him so deeply it feels impossible and all I want is to make it work, to have a future with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): Hello There,
As a muslim girl, most ppl prefer to marry from his country and he told u ur an English blah blah... If he really loved u, he wouldnt say that word to hurt u.. I would recommend u, find a better guy otherwise u will get more attached
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (31 May 2010):
 Shrug, you been told haven't you? Go find another man who is willing to take a muslim reject because this guy now wants a nice virgin muslim girl and not the slutty white girl who lived in sin with a man.
Nice way to confirm every prejudice about mixed race/culture relationships.
"I deserve his respect because he gets so much from me"
Ah, but no. This is not a clash of east and west. It is just the age old "boyfriend project". Girl taking on a loser guy and hoping that she can fix him up into a real keeper.
DIY for women and about as successful.
If you want unending love and adoration for being kind, go to the pound and adopt a pet. Trust me, you won't be able to remove the cat/dog from your lap with a crowbar for the rest of your life.
Pick up a stray guy and all get in return is a lesson as to why no-one else picked him up. The culture difference is just an excuse you found to explain the obvious problems. It would have made no difference if he was blond or black. Do you really think all Muslims have no qualifications, are on benefits? Or indeed use women only until they can find a better model?
What do you do? Take the fucking hint, he told you the future. He wants a nice virgin Muslim girl (or at least one that doesn't make him feel inferior all the time by actually using her brain at school, although not in her social life). You don't qualify anymore. Story ends.
Culture differences are not a problem, but women going for fix-them-up boyfriends are.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): First things first. You both said things in the heat of an argument. So it may be that he didn't mean it.
Secondly his self-esteem is rock bottom right now. He has no job and lives on benefits, you are educated, work and are doing everything you can to make this relationship work and I think he knows that and feels a little imadequate. In the heat of the argument, he used this culture difference excuse to make you feel very bad. It is the ONLY thing he can attack you with. And I guarantee you this, if you made a life together, each time you had an argument he would throw this in your face. I don't think the problem is that there IS a culture differemce. I think it's that he uses this to attack you with when the chips are down. Now whether that is how he truly feels is another issue. If he does feel like the culture differnce will be too big a hurdle to overcome, then you both need to think about ending it now. If he is just using it as a way to attack you in an argument then he needs to stop it now. You are doing all you can to make this relationship work and it seem grossly unfair for him to use this when he can see how much effort you are making.
I'd have a talk with him about the culture difference and what it really means to him.
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