A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear all, I hope you had a good Christmas and are prepared for the coming year.I need some relationship advice. I am 27 and my girlfriend is 28, we are dating for 1.5 years now and moved together about 5 months ago. We are both in grad school for our doctorates. One major problem in our relationship is our non existent sex life. We waited long before we had the first sex but then had good sex till 6 months in the relationship. Then it declined to a weekly thing, then to a monthly thing and now I think the last sex we had is about 2.5 months ago. And the couple of times we had before were just plain bad.Now you all might suggest stress and the moving together and you are probably right. Her school work (medical) is very demanding and additionally her grandfather died when we were dating for about 7 months. As a result of that she started failing school (but got it back in order just now). I was very supportive - did not pressure, build her up every day. I was very patient and not pushy. At some point of course I started reviving our sex life, but it is not even shadow of what it was like before. She says it hurts and that she fears it is just going to hurt again. I bought toys and offered to only focus on her, do massages and give oral etc..Nothing changed. She doesnt even touch me or initiate anything at all. We tried to talk and she said that she fears it is not going to be good (and therefore not giving me the chance to prove other) and that she fears to turn me on because I could be overwhelming (again I dont really get the chance to prove otherwise, beside of course waiting and waiting does not make it easier to control). Lately I dont even try to initiate. I just plainly fear to be rejected again or do something to upset her.Beside that sexual issue she is also touchy - go shopping a lot but she feels I do not take care of certain things (like when we are low on milk). Of course my midnight shopping actions to get her energydrinks for her exams are totally forgotten and I do not even want to weigh things out. Once I went to get food around midnight (from the kitchen) and she was mad because I did not ask. AnywaysI feel it is ok for her to use stress as the ultimate excuse but not for me and what bugs me most is that I fear that she does not even think that I could need to be intime to feel the love completely.One weird story I have problems to interpret: She told me I could braid her hair and I said that is something I do not want to do. She asked if I feel threatened in my sexual identity or what and got mad. Because If I love her I would do these things because I love her. I just said that it is something I do not want to do (isnt that what girlfriends are for?). .. I just don t get that part. Wouldnt that constitute more sex? Since she says she loves me?Also I think she doesnt have many friends and I have less because I spend my rare time with her. I really wish she would hang out with the friends she has so we could be have a healthy distance at times.To bring it to an end: She recently announced that she will be very emotional when she comes back after christmas (her grandma is really sick). I am not sure what that means? Ok, that all sounds worse than I feel it is, and I hope that a new year will come to a better relationship. Maybe some of you have some advice or can speak from their own experience.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): Ok so I have my husband braids my hair. We have been together since we were 18 and we are now 27. I noticed too that as the years went by we too had less sex, mostly casue we both have been too tired from work. I noticed with me that if he helps out around the house more it makes me feel appreciated and I want to show him my appreciation in bed. My advice is to make her feel important. you might not want to braid her hair but inside I know that when my husband does it ...I am like aawww... Relationships I feel should be 50/50 and right now she needs you to do more because she is going through a lot. Leave her a love note here and there. My husband would put a sticky note on my steering wheel so when I went to work I saw it, when we were in college draw a picture of us in my notebook so when I got to that page I smiled.
SO her you love her in all different ways. Helping more, little notes .
Best of Luck.
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