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anonymous
writes: Hi,My problem is about this guy I met at work a year ago. I guess I don't need to say that we got on really well. We have loads in common and always had the best time together. There was always some casual flirting, especially at parties and when everyone went out together. But it wasn't just about all that, I liked the way he thought and he had a really great personality. He really was the best person I had ever met. But when I discovered I liked him, he had eight months till he got married and when I found out he liked me too, it was only six. I was/am still in a relationship too. Things were really complicated and confusing, I don't think it was really like either of us to look elsewhere when we were already involved and when you've been engaged for a year and start imagining how you'd explain the scenerio to friends and family it made things even more complicated. So I guess we both settled on being friends, although this would always be weird. It was always if things were different then they would be different and I know you can't live your life on if's cos it just doesn't work that way. I knew things weren't goiong to change and that was kinda ok (if I didn't think about it too much)The week before he got married we stayed up all night and sat by the river and talked and hugged; it was really nice, although we never talked about it again. After he was married I just felt really weird. Guilty, confused. We didn't speak like we used to. When I left for university (80 miles away) he gave me some really thoughtful little presents and a really nice letter, but things are different now, he's got his life and I've got mine, but I can't forget him. Even after how confused I was I knew I wanted him to get married and knew that that was what was best and all I ever wanted to do was be his friend; like it used to be before I told him how I felt. I wish I'd never said anything and then we'd still be really good friends now (even though he said it was bound to come out in the end)But I don't know if that can ever happen now. He was always honest with his fiancee, so she knows all about me and I just don't think it would be fair on her or their marriage if I tried to be the friend I would so like to be to him. I just miss him a lot sometimes. I've been at uni about 4 months and there's lots of cool people - but no one like him. Things are even loads better with my boyfriend, but, just sometimes I can't shake it. In normal circumstances I'm sure I would have forgotton by now, but I just can't seem let him go. I'd rather be sad as long as it means I don't forget him altogether. I just have this urgh feeling and I don't know what to do.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A reader, ebaby, writes (8 February 2005): I understand the way you feel. I also fell in love with a close friend and he also has a partner. It made me realise that you have just have to be happy for him and for you to get on with your life because life is too short and you could be missing opportunities to find happiness yourself.I came to realise I would rather him be happy than to be unhappy .Love is a very strong emotion and it takes over your life; the feeling of wanting someone so badly just controls you and you sometimes forget everyone around you and just concentrate on that one person .To be honest, you're hurting yourself. In your letter you mentioned that you have a boyfriend which is a positive factor in your life and it doesn't sound like love to me because love involves two people and this relationship only involved one.My best advice to you is to move on. I know it is hard but your friend is married now and how would you feel when you're told that they're expecting a baby or if teir marriage didn't work out? You wouldn't want to just be with him because he was on the rebound, because then you would feel used and not loved .At the end of the day life is short and you don't want to have a life full of regrets. jJust carry on and be happy that you met your friend and respect and treasure your friendship, because friendships like yours don't happen very often. Good luck and look after your friend. The love for him may never leave you but look to your future now and be happy with the boyfriend you're with now. In time you will grow to love him. Remember, every person in this world has different qualities and every relationship is different .Always remember him and be good friends don't spoil your friendship and maybe one day tell him how you're feeling and be honest with him .Speak to your mother or a friend and that way you have got it of your chest and it makes you feel better for being honest to yourself and a relief to talk out loud about it. good luck x
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