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female
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*ulesincambs
writes: I spoke to a man online and we met in person.Over a short time we fell in love and he told me that he wanted to marry me and asked if I would like for us to have a baby together some day.We both have children from previous relationships.He also asked me if I would be prepared to move with him if he was to get a new job that required him to move away.Anyway me and this guy had a really close relationship,he was always telling me that he loved me and asking me to love him forever. He paid £200 off of a bill of mine without my knowing until after he had done it, was always telling me to let him know If I ever needed help with money. He was very caring and generous.He drove long hours to see me everyday after work.I really did believe thatthis guy loved me as I felt it when he told me and I sawit in his eyes.He spoke about each of us meeting the others parents etc etc.... Anyway what I need help with is the fact that we went out for a nice meal and everything was fine but then the next morning he said he needed space to think and to sort his head out. This came as a complete blow because up until that point he was acting like a man very much in love. He said hes got many things scaring him as hispast 2 wives started off by being very nice and saying alot of the nicetys that I had but then went on to treat him badly, and he was worried that he would take the time to get to know me, my habits etc and then I would also turn into a different person. I tried to assure him that this wouldnt be the case as I love this man to death. But he still insists I give him space....I have saidto him if its just that he mistook love for lust and no longer wants me then to tell me and I can move on then.But again he just says he needs space....... He told me he got cold feet. Do you think he is really just messed up or is he stringing me along? I am hurting so much right now as I went from feeling on cloud nine to feeling that my worlds ended.I hate not knowing what the outcome will be.If he really loved me could he still do this? Or would he of been able to live through his fears..... His last ex wife left the home about a month ago, though he said it had been over a long while before this... I know there will be a lot who think hes just playing me, but if people could see how he was with me. Thats why I find it all so bizzarre and dont quite know what went wrong....How can somebody whos meant to be so in love suddenly turn around and say they want space?Grateful for any advicebecause right now I'm going through all different emotions and I keep thinking that i must of put him off of me somehow?Jules
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (15 May 2006):
 You haven't known this man long, and it sounds like he has a difficult background. He has shown you the nice side to his personality, and you have glady received this because this is the person you would hope he was. Basically, marriages don't breakdown on their own and usually there are problems on both sides of the relationship. He has two failed marriages behind him, and you don't know really what happened in each case - he may have only put his version of events across to you. He is bound to be a bit messed up but equally that doesn't give him the right to declare feelings to you one minute, then go ice cold the next. It could be that he has personality difficulties that you have been blissfully unaware of until now...a little touch of the Jekyll and Hyde. Whatever the case, you have to approach him with caution as he is not long out of a relationship, may see you as his ego-boosting support cushion as he tackles the divorce proceedings and, well, you don't know what he is really like as yet. Don't think you have put him off as that implies the problem is with you, when really it is him who has the problem and the focus should be on addressing that. Good luck!
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