A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How important on a scale of 1 to 10 is sexual compatibility in a relationship?How devastating can sexual differences be to a relationship? Are there ways to overcome these differences and make things work? Or is it a case by case thing. I'm looking for some general feedback on the topic.Some other things to consider:How far into a relationship can you talk about your sexual expectations? Is it fair to break up with someone over them strictly not meeting your needs?I think this is something I've overlooked my entire life and it is probably the root of many relationship issues.Thanks for your input. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008): Dear Poster
You can have a wonderful relationship and be happy in all aspects, but if you have problems with your sexual compatibility( an here I refer to more then just sexual libido)you are going to have serious problems in time to come. Sex is not everything in a marriage or relationship, but it is one of the most important things that can cause relationships and marriages to fail. If you have any doubts about sexual compatibility before you get married, please do consider some couples counseling.
In a marriage making love is the ultimate bonding of two people becoming "one"; some need the unity and bonding more then others, some need the physical satisfaction,; no matter what and how, you need to figure this out and have a good balance before you venture into a life long journey.
Best wishes and lots of smiles.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008): I think that sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship. However, the relationship cannot be based on sex alone. Those other things that Fade mentioned are also critical and a relationship cannot survive without them either. I would give both the things that she said and sexual desire compatibility all a score of 9 or 10.
I do think that a reasonable closeness of sexual desire is very important though. A great difference, like one partner wants it 3 times a day, while the other is fine with 2 times a month will result in a great problem and emotional stress. However, when I was in my 30s and 40s, I could have sex 3 times a day, while my wife was fine with 4 to 7 times a week. That kind of difference in drives is not a problem and can be compromised on to make both happy. The man lets the woman alone a lot of the time and she sometimes gives in to his wishes for sex. If the 2 drives are not too far apart, that will work well.
It is also not only the man who always has the highest sex drive. Occasionally, there have been women on the various boards that I read that complain that their partner only wants sex once a day, so sometimes the women are the ones who want sex for sex alone. I do agree that that is most often the case for men, but not always.
The sexual part of the relationship works best if both partners want sex for an expression of love. However, it is also best if they both enjoy sex just for the enjoyment of it. It doesn't always have to be an expression of love, but should be a lot or most of the time. My wife and I do it for both reasons and sometimes just want the excitement of sex. Other times the cuddling, kissing and talk are more important than the sex and sometimes we forget the sex completely. It works for us.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is all incredibly useful input. Thank you all. I guess it is just so easy to turn a blind eye to sexual differences in the face of losing someone you truly love. It feels so selfish to end a relationship with someone you love over sex. But when one person wants sex twice a day, (for intimacy and love, not strictly pleasure), and one is satisfied with only once a week, it is impossible to remain happy and satisfied with your relationship. The constant sensation of rejection and the emotional torment that follows is unbearable!I am so happy though to see that it really isn't so much a selfish act."You're breaking up with me over sex, you're so selfish!"-famous last words.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008): You received good advice. I can just confirm that to do a compatibility analysis before you settle down or get married is very important, but one of the most important factors on that compatibility list is: Sexual compatibility.
I am afraid that if the two partners are not sexually compatible, there is red lights flashing from the start. I know lots of people might not agree, but from experience, I have seen that it is one of the most important factors to keep in mind.
Certain other compatibilities are easier to overcome and deal with, but sexual incompatibility is almost impossible to overcome without one of the partners suffering and it is one of the most important factors leading to the breakdown of relationships and marriages (direct or indirect).
Be cautious and do your compatibility tests before the time; discovering some "nightmare" afterwards can create havoc and influence your life and future with far reaching affects.
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female
reader, screenstar  +, writes (30 November 2008):
dont fool yourself ,sexual compatibility is essential, you are very young and I am so glad that you are asking this question. if only I had some advice in this department before I married.I married my best friend and I thought that the missing sexual spark was not important, and that it would develop.after eleven years I still have my best friend but there is still no sexual energy, what a pity.it is bad and has caused numerous problems in my marriageyou need to be true to yourself and dont compromise too much on this because it will undoubtedly cause problems in your relationship further down the lineif you have sexual compatibility to start with and then some time down the line it fizzles out, at least you have the memory of that spark to draw on and you will be able to re-ignite your sexual desire for each other.so on a scale of 1-10 I would say 10loss of compatibility can cause conflict and when you arent having satisfying sex with your partner it becomes a mountain in your lifeso take it from someone who compromised and is paying dearly at this stage in her life, it is not only unfair to myself but to my husband as well.
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female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (30 November 2008):
 I would say it is extremely important. My ex husband had a very high sex drive and mine was very low and it just did not work. He was always on at me and I was always trying to make excuses. Eventually he left me and this was the major reason. We discussed this a number of times but I think he felt I had sex with him just to please him not because i wanted to and this was not what he wanted. We discussed this at about the 3 year stage and he went elswehere in year 8. I think people often under estimate how important sexual compatability is, I certainly did , but you cannot be something you are not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008): I would put it at a 9, incredibly important.This is probably the main reason I personally don't agree with saving your virginity for your future wife / husband and rather it is better to have been with a few different people so you know your own sexual needs and understand other peoples too.It's a beautiful idealistic image, to save it for the one you love, and have the smiling face of god looking down nodding with his improvement, but in reality it just doesn't work like that for most people. Sex, like any thing else in life is something we learn with experience. It is a very complex issue that is far, far more than just some beautiful act between man and wife.Whilst most people can mature, change, learn and accommodate their partners sexual needs over time, there will always be some people who are simply and completely incompatible with each other and they always will be. I have seen other peoples relationships in my time fail because of this reason. No one can expect a relationship or marriage to continue in this situation. That is why I think it is important to get all of this kind of stuff settled before anyone walks down the aisle.
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