A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I spent 7 years with the one I thought "I loved," was faithful to him, sacrificed more for him than any other human being in my life, showed him love and kindness and honesty. I beleived in him and in his words. I tried to always do the right thing... and in return he lied, cheated and disrepected me. How someone could do this to another person they claim to love and respect... is beyond me. How can they live with themselves. Just to look me in the eye and lie to me and "Swear to God" about not cheating on me. I was with someone who knew me for 7 years. This is the last thing he left me with. He treated me like trash in the end. For those that don't know the whole story.... here it is Good morning to my fellow readers. I wanted to fill you in on my story. I was in a committed relationship with someone on/off for the last 7 years of my life. I am a 28 yr. female, He is 27 yrs. You can prob. imagine we met when we were young. He is from Quebec, I am from the U.S. A few years back we broke up because he cheated on me. I left the situation and moved on. He came back into my life almost a year later and apologized to me and my entire family and friends. Drove a total of 18 hrs. for 3 months straight just to spend 2-3 days with me . Even agreed to go to counseling. I took my time and did not get back into the relationship right away. I needed proof. When I saw all the people he made himself accountable to, his family, my family, etc. And said he would never hurt me ever again. I opened up my heart and forgave him... and trusted him slowly, and started to fall in love with him all over again. He proposed to me in May 2007. I agreed to move up to Canada and immigrate (as he was my sponsor) before we would get married in August 2008 which meant leaving my friends, family, job behind. Upon waiting for my Permanent Resident card, I was not legally able to work and use the goverment benefits. Around December 2007 he was having second thoughts about the wedding. Which keep in mind was already booked (Dress bought, Venue booked, officiant booked, photographer booked, Music booked). In February 2008, he said since we were having difficulties, it was best to no longer continue planning since it did not feel right to him. So in February he asked me to mutally agree to call it off and postpone it. He asked me to remain in Canada because he loved me and still wanted to be with me. He said he justed wanted us to be a more solid couple before we made this life long commitment. I had empathy, b/c I sould understand his reasonings, but I was still left feeling embarrased and uncomfortable. He did not seem to mind telling all of his family that we.... postponed the wedding. He even wanted me to continue to wear his ring. He wanted to cancel this much more than I did. Now into March 2008...While still living with him in our apt. in Canada, and while waiting for my immigration approval; things started to become slightly more intense. I started thinking alot about his choice. Even though I backed him (which I thought was the right thing to do) I started to resent the fact that he resorted to this decision. He did not even really seem to mind about the money lost on the wedding deposits. In fact, it was me spending my time trying to recoop the lost money. I started to wonder... why am I the only one cleaning up this mess? And then I started to get angry again, and ask myself....why has he sone this again?yeah but he has known me fo almost 7 years. He said our communication was not where he felt it should be? Isn't a marriage a working progress? As long as there is deep seeded love...right? I started feeling like these were excuses. I stuck by his side through thick and thin for the last 7 years. May 2008- He started changing his mind about his career path. He wanted to take a job in Edmonton, Alberta (almost 20 hours) from where we were already living. He asked me to come along (as he seemed to already make his mind up) and said this was "our choice." Really? I went back to the States for about a week and thought about things.... Do I want this? Am I being tossed around? Does he really care about what I think? If I was not a factor would he still take this job? Is this what a committed relationship is... one person always making the sacfrices? Afterall, I was just getting acclamated with the area in Canada that I was living in... and now we are moving. He had told me he wanted to settle in one place and now he was changing his tune. Went back up to Canada and agreed that I would be with him and support him and continue to be a strong partner to him in which we can grow together. June 2008- Took a vacation and he seemed to be easily frustrated with me the whole time and non-attentive. When we got back, he and I got into a disagreement. He was at his wits end and said "It's over!" Days later, he said he lost his patience.... but insisted we take a 2 week seperation for him to think. He said he loved me, but there were things about me that had to change. I made myself accountable,and agreed on certain things I could improve. He said he loved me and wanted this to work. ( 1 week later) July 2008- I was back up in Canada, 2 days laster my Permanent Resident approval papers finally arrived. I was prompted by the consulate to mail my passport for them to put my visa inside it. He and I went to Fed-ex my passport. He seemed happy for me. I seemed happy as well because I thought and said to him... we our basing this relationship on trust, love, honesty, support and respect. I said...You will get all those things from me. I love you. He said he was touched! Next night... he was asked to go to a small BBQ -45 mins. away which was just intended for guys... no girlfriends or wives were going. He called me around 11:30 pm. and said he had too much to drink and would prob. end up sleeping overnight at his friends.... he also said he was going to a bar. I felt a little worried... I had just been away for 2 weeks and sent my passport in yesterday.... NOW HE IS LEAVING ME BY MYSELF. The next morning he walked in and snowed me, kissed me, and told me about his night. He thanked me for being so understanding. I seemed a bit concerned and told him, I did not know who this guy was. He convinced me and said... Oh don't be so insecure... you'll meet him. He also said.."Anyways, were going camping this weekend and you have me all to yourself." In my gut.... something felt off. I asked him if he did anything that I should know about. He said no! I asked him to swear to God... He swore to God. 3 hours later went grocery shopping, kissed me every now and then, showed affection and happiness, etc.... asked again out of curiousity (does he feel guilty about something?)... he said No. By dinner... I asked again. He slowly pulled away from me and said "I fucked up again." Needless to say... I was in a state of shock. REALLY???? Did you really do this to me again? I am the idiot. I took him back and believed he would never hurt me again. In fact, he made himself accountable to a Shrink , his family, my family, friends, etc. When someone does that.... drives down every week from another country to see you just to spend 2-3 days to prove they love you and want your trust. Ask you to marry them. Sponsor them to immigrate to another country. Send your passport in to get a visa... the next night (while your sleeping in their bed) Cheat on you. Who does that? In many ways... I feel like I do not know what's the truth and what's a lie. The guy lied right to my face. Who knows whatelse he has been doing. Then after all of this.... was blaming me for what he did. He said I did not fulfill him. He said if he was fulfilled never would he do this.REALLY??? I said... I am done. He begged me not to leave... claimed he loved me and then said he is willing to give 100% if I could (WHAT!!!!... does he even realize what he just did to me). I said... sorry, I can't trust you ever again. In fact, I deserve an honest man and it appears to me your are not an honest man. At this point I am back in the States. And I am pissed. This is the very last thing he left me with. At least it makes me see him for who he is. Sad to say he really did not have to inflict such unecessary pain. I new him for almost 7 years and this is how he leaves me? Really sad for him
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broke up, cheated on me, got back together, I love you, insecure, money, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): Many of us are guilty of staying in a relationship too long, myself included. A girlfriend of mine said once that I should adopt the '6 month' rule. If after six months, you feel it's not just right........move on.
It works well because you don't get so attached that it's hard to leave. As for why would someone do this to you....I agree with the other poster, why would you let someone continue to treat you this way? This is crucial so get it in your head now to save yourself YOU CAN'T CHANGE OTHER PEOPLE....this man has some serious issues. You can only change yourself by not seeing him ever again, problem solved.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): Because people like you let them. Be careful not to get addicted to this behaviour because all the time that you are in such a deceitful relationship it will make it harder to trust anyone again.Trouble is you get like a whimpering puppy who needs to be reaqssured and he does that with ease, and makes you suffer. When you reconcile it is like you won over the other girls. That fake victory is an illusion.The problem is one that he has, it is nothing to do with you not being enough. If you stay any longer you will never believe you are enough for anyone and spend your life being suspicious. You probably need counselling already and a good break from male company.Listen to me over this one. I allowed myself to get crapped on so many times I am finding it really hard to make the good relationship that I have work now. All my insecurities come out, in anger, sadness and jealousy. Please don't stay on in this exquisite agony of a place, whilst damaging youself esteem. The real pain you need to grasp is the hard, bleak grief that comes after any bereavement. Although it is the worst pain ever, it is healthy, necessary, honest pain.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): 1. You should never have got back together with him after the first time he hurt you.
2. I supose that somehow you really didn't fulfill him, but that was just because he had no self controll, so it's not your fault.
3. move on, cheer up, see a therapist if it bugs you so much.
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A
male
reader, Dr Vendetta  +, writes (28 July 2008):
 i'll be honest and say i didn't fully read this mountain of a post. so going on the basis of your title.
"why does anyone do this to another person"
wel.. Why do you stay with this person who treats you this way?
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