A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Well i went through something with my boyfriend and we love each other and i know that for a fact. Ive been the only girl hes been going out with that has met his parents just the biggest problem is his ex at the beginning he mentioned her often i asked him if he still had feelings for her and he denied it but i feel like there is something there and i cant seem to stop thinking about who she is I'm going nuts i know i shouldnt be thinking about it because its his past and he doesnt talk about her anymore but i dont know how to not think about it help!!!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2010): You have nothing to worry about, because he's chosen you over her now, and the easiest way to wreck that blessing is to keep reminding him of her. As much as he may naturally still have some old feelings for her, it might take a very long time for him to shake all those feelings and memories. The longer he's with you, and the less you bring her up to him, the more she'll disappear from his mind. The subconscience does its own thing, though, and may always remind him of her, from time to time. For this reason, you have to be patient, and not double as a reminding conscience. It will be worse to badger him or even just talk to him, even if it's through jokes..about her. That's all you can do, on your part, and if he mentions his ex at all, on his own, just let him know that you don't wish to talk about her, and that he's with you now, and he'll get the hint.
The best tip to remember in all of this is to never be an aggressor, or turn any talk about her into even the slightest discussion, with him..especially in the form of an argument. You'll find peace through this way of thinking, and so will he. It's difficult to explain, but anytime someone bugs their partner about someone else who bothers them, it hurts the partner just as much, being they are helpless in giving any satisfactory response about that person. The slightest smile will make the other think they are laughing or hiding something, and any answer will be unfairly scrutinized.
On the contrary, you'll start to notice that the more you try to remain satisfied with no explanation about his ex, the more potential for peace and a future together, you and him will have. It's a reverse psychological outcome, in which his feelings for his ex will become less when you let him forget slowly, and at the same time, he'll be able to concentrate more on you, the person he really wants to be with. Doubt can make a person waste months and months questioning and quarrelling, when there is so much more progress to be had, meanwhile. Good luck, and have faith.
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