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male
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anonymous
writes: I am having a relationship with a woman who lives over 100 miles away and who lives with her partner. I have been seeing her for 3.5 years. Quite often I have asked her if she would ever leave her partner and she said she was not strong enough to do it and I was getting too heavy.I have a friend with whom I am getting very close. We spend a lot of time together and I made an attempt to cool things off with my long distance relationship, but she got wind of the fact that I was emotionally involved with my friend. She is now saying she wants to leave her partner and live with me. I don't want to hurt my friend. What should I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2005): Oh mate! I've had this one! I can't give you any advice on what to do, but this is my experience. I was involved with a lady who was living with her partner and had been for some time. We didn't live in the same town so her partner didn't know we were have a fling. I had been seeing her for over 4 years and felt it was going nowhere fast! Yes we had the best time ever when we were together and yes I really wanted to be with her. I really felt like we were going to be together. I kept asking her to move to my town, to leave her partner. She kept saying to give her time to sort things out and she would make the move.Then I got close to this other lady. She was absolutely fantastic, we got on really good together. Because we lived in the same town saw loads of each other. Phoned all the time and it just felt really good not be waiting for the phone calls from my lady who was with her partner.Then tough time started! My other ladyfriend saw us driving together and wanted to know who I was with. I said it was just a friend who I see quite alot of. Suddenly I saw a real change in her attitude. She suddenly said she had been thinking loads and was going to leave her man. Right there and then. What a predicament! I was stupid, why hadn't I knocked the other one on the head first - it wasn't going anywhere.I was in turmoil. Because of my past feelings for my first lady and because I had hung on so long for her to make the move, suddenly it seemed my dream was coming true. But then I also had another dream to be with my new lady.Anyway the outcome of this story is this. I decided to go with my first lady. But it wasn't an immediate move. Inf fact it wasn't a move at all. What happened was that she started seeing me more often and phoning me more often. She said she needed to talk things through with me and with her would be ex. I lost my real love, my new lady. I hurt her real bad. I turned my back on her when she really thought it was going somewhere. I don't see her any more.A year later I am still in the same situation as I was before. My first lady is still with her man. I am still on my own and still living in hope. Yes I see more of my lady. I know her relationship is not good with her man, especially as he now knows about me. I know she made those promises because she was jealous of this other girl and I was stupid enough to be taken in. I look back on it now and can now see that I probably lost the real love of my life. I know we could have made a go of it, but even though I contacted her, she says I hurt her too much and she couldn't risk me hurting her again. I wish I had the strength to finish it with my first lady. I have tried a couple of times, but when I do this she just phones me all the time to tell me how much she wants to be with me and is still trying to make the move. Writing this has actually brought this whole thing up for me again. I am asking myself - what the hell I am I waiting for? Let me know how you get on and it might help me!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2005): Ask yourself this one important question when you choose between these two women...which one of them can you trust more than the other? Trust is the foundation of any committed, loving relationship. I will say, how coincidental and calculating, your 'partnered' girlfriend is. Funny how she's suddenly willing to leave her life and love behind for you-now that you have another 'friend'. I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her, dear. I think it is time to pull back from the long distance gf and ask yourself, whether she was really committed to you or just liked the convenience of you? Evaluate each woman and decide how much you are willing to lose over each relationship. You may be surprised what you come up with. The partnered gf is familiar, but...can you trust her? If she is doing this to her partner with you, will she do it to you in a few years...when the relationship hits a few snags and we all know.. loving, respectful relationships take darn hard work and huge efforts to keep it going. I'm not going to tell you who to pick. That's your decision because it's your life. But remember, love is a good beginning, but trust, respect, commitment, values, family connections and friendships are what makes relationships work over the long haul.
I understand you are confused over all this. Do not use confusion and denial drive you to make poor choices that could possibly affect the rest of your life. It is not fair to you or your future happiness. Take care
Hugs, Irish
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