A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I have some "ex-factor" issues that just don't seem to go away. My boyfriend and I have had quite a few heart-to-heart talks over this and I honestly feel it's all in my head. I don't want to bring it up with him anymore because he has done everything he could, I think. The cirmstances are like this:My boyfriend and a girl he went out with are still really good friends. They were good friends through graduate school and dated for 3 weeks before before we met. They decided to remain friends even though romance didn't work out. I have met with her on a number of occasions and we are friendly on a apparent level. My boyfriend never had problem having me meet her (or all his friends and family members for that matter) and never gave me any reason for me to doubt his loyalty. He swore he has no romantic feelings for her and doesn't mind a lie detector if I insist. I actually truly believe there's nothing going on with them. But when we all hang out, I observe they have a very good buddy-like chemistry: they get each other's jokes and have similar personalities while my boyfriend and I are actually different in many aspects. Now she lives in a city where my boyfriend needs to go every now and then. Whenever he goes there, he will crash on her couch. He's not making a lot of money (freelancing) and hotels in that city is extremely expensive. I actually told him it's okay because I trust him. I do! But why do I still feel uncomfortable knowing he's spending nights there? Even though I told him it's ok for him to stay with her, I got mad and talked about this with him a few times. He said he know I might feel but hurt that I didn't trust him completely. He also thinks I have some insecurities and I need to sort them out myself.He always tells me how much he loves me and reassures me however he could whenever I need him. A really wonderful man. We've been together for over a year and I know he's the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. I feel guilty about ever doubting him. But I just can't get the idea out of my mind that he's there with her. They seem to have a really nice time hanging out drinking and eating. I'm jealous even though I know they are just friends. Now he's off there again for some freelancing work and gonna be on her couch for almost 10 days! I feel a bit down...But don't want to tell him who he can be friends with or what he can or can't do with friends.Sorry about writing so much. Any thoughts on whether I'm being unreasonable? How should I deal with it? Am I being paranoid or too needy? Seems like I don't want him to have a good time when she's present! I've thought so much about this and got myself more confused! Can someone give me some perspective please? Any idea is much appreciated!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Emilyanswers. It's strange but I feel better hearing you think I'm being unreasonable. I have to admit I have a slight fear that something inappropriate could happen but I don't know that and he hasn't given me any reason to doubt him. Also, I've left no option for myself-we've talked about this to death and I've promised that I will try to not bothered by it and keeping in mind that he chose me and no one else. How could I go back to say "wait, I don't like it again"?
Satindesire, I think you are spot on and I admit my worries. I know if I challenge him, he's going to say "So you still don't trust me after all"? I think things will turn bad from there...
He just left today and I feel particularly vunerable. Thanks for all your kind words.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (17 March 2009):
I'm sorry hun but you are being unreasonable. I think you know that yourself.
You've said you know it's in your head and you know it's hurting him by saying you don't trust him.
You're also implying that you want him to be better at his job so he can afford hotels / get a different job that he doesn't like as much so he can live at home with you. I know you are not but guys put a lot of who they are into what they do for a living. This is why they suffer so much more when they get made redundant.
I'm telling you this next bit so you can give yourself a kick up the arse and when he is away, go out and get a life rather than sitting at home thinking about it....
If you tell someone they are going to cheat, and that you don't trust them, then eventually it will get into their head and they think "Well she thinks I'm doing it anyway, I'm not making her happy, so I'm obviously not a good boyfriend, so I may as well just cheat, get it over with, and then she'll leave and I can move on."
So if you keep going he's going to:
a) turn round and say he's had enough of always being the bad guy simply as he can't afford a hotel where he gets work, and he wants to split up
b) turn round and snap and say he has cheated or he's going to because that's what you keep telling him to do
Neither are good options.
So when he goes away, plan stuff to do so you are not sat thinking about that. Buy a new game to play, go out and have a naughty work night drink with your girlfriends, try and new yoga class, go for a long walk.
Stop thinking about it and really REALLY stop talking to him about it. This is your head, so you have to take control of it.
Good Luck!! xx
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