A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been in a relationship for the past 3 month. I met him through work. We spent two days together and when we returned from work, he was constantly messaging and wanting to meet up. I was a bit dubious at first, thinking it was just a work thing. I finally agreed to meet up with him and things have being great. Get along well, have work in common, we both really felt we have met the one. He’s a worrier and a stress head. He worries about everything and worries when I’m away with work and colleagues. He was working away and I decided to meet up with my gay friend who I haven’t seen in a while. He’s 49, gay and married. My boyfriend knew I was out with him and I was messaging him telling him where I was at. I told him I was coming home but then me and my friend called in a pub for one last drink, so I was an hour later than I said. This was only around 9pm and my boyfriend started questioning me, why I said I was going home then didn’t. He kept ringing me asking why I was going home an hour later and he started to annoy me, so I said why are you going on like this and we got into an argument so I kelt hanging up on him as I didn’t want an argument. He’s barely spoken to me today, won’t take my calls and keeps saying he doesn’t know if wants us to be together as he’s now worrying this will happen again and he’s going to get hurt and he’s going to worry every time I’m out with friends and having a drink. I’ve apologised profusely to him telling him it won’t but he’s saying he’s having doubts about us now. I don’t understand what I’ve done wrong. Any thoughts on this please? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, kenny +, writes (20 May 2022):
 You are not in the wrong here, far from it. In all honesty you hardly know him really and there was some red flags right in the beginning with him wanting to hastily rush things along and bombarding you with texts.
I think that you should of aired on the side of caution just on the basis that you work together. The problem with work relationships is when things don't work out you stil lhave to see them everyday.
I think that you should end things with him, you are not good together, and he has some insecurity issues to deal with by the sounds of it.
Finish things with him and move on, if you still have to see him at work then just be pleasant and only deal with work related issues.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2022): P.S.
I used a baseball metaphor. There is no baseball in the UK! In American baseball, three strikes (missing the ball when you swing the bat) and the umpire calls you "out!" You pound sand and get to stepping! Don't you just love our American gibberish!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2022): You should introduce him to your new friend and his spouse. Once he realizes what's going-on, he will also realize how foolishly he is behaving. One hour late, before 10 p.m.? Oh, give me a break!!! How old are you, 16? Was it a school night?
I smell a control freak here! You're an adult, and shouldn't have to account for every moment of your time outside his vision. Then again, if he got all upset about it; I wouldn't be surprised that he had you on GPS the whole time, and knew exactly where you were. He's pulling a number on you, by acting so over concerned and upset; so you won't have anything to say about it when he does exactly the same thing. Trust me, he will. What's good for the goose, is good for the gander. If he places a curfew on you, do you not have a right to place one on him? If you had to, you'd be better-off without him.
Has he never come home a little later than he said he would? If he did, did you throw a hissy-fit about it? Now you're even!
He knew who you were with. He's just priming you up for when he drags his butt in late. You're supposed to feel guilty; so when he pulls a number, you have nothing to say about it. Wait and watch! I wouldn't stand for the jealous-boyfriend bit. That ain't love, that's being bossy and possessive!
His 90-day warranty is just about up. You're entitled to a replacement; if this one's defective, girlfriend!
It's been only 3 months, and he's acting like this??? Girlfriend, he better be worth all the trouble! He'd be sitting on the curb next to the rubbish, if he pulled that nonsense on me! This is strike one. If I were in your shoes...strike two...and he's out!!! You can allow him up-to strike three, if you wish. He just better be worth it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2022): The red flags are huge with this guy.You have only been dating three months and he is already trying to control you.If you give it another six months this is how it would be……You would have no friends because he has isolated you from everyone….this is because he wants no one to see that broken arm and nose.You cannot get medical help well that would out his behavior now wouldn’t it.And you just might screw the doctor….in his cray cray mind.Break up now but do it by text or in a place you can be safe when he freaks out about it and honey I promise he will take it out on you.So I will tell you look at the big giant red flag and act in your best intreast going forward.You deserve a good man…not an abusive controller.Stay safe.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2022): He should be the one apologising to you, not the other way around. It sounds to me as if he is 'training you,' to be accountable to him at all times of the day and that he gets to be angry with you if you step out of line. HIS line.
I guess he could have been worried about you, in which case he could have NICELY explained that to you. But I don't think this is the case. He has you begging on your knees for forgiveness for something you shouldn't need forgiveness for. He is not your keeper.
This is sounding all kinds of alarms to me. He is controlling and manipulative. Sulking and punishing if you don't behave in the way he thinks you should.
This is NOT how a relationship should work. He has left you confused and wondering what you did wrong?
A sure sign of being controlled. Something doesn't sit right with you about this. Listen to your gut. It's trying to tell you something REALLY important.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 May 2022):
 I think your best bet is to end this.
He sounds insecure and a bit controlling. Why would you need to tell him who you are with, where you are at and when you will be home? You are a GROWN woman. You should be able to go out with friends for a drink and not have to send someone you are dating a minute-by-minute itinerary!
I'm not saying that partners can't share plans but this is too much.
Does this not make you feel on edge too?
And I have to ask what exactly is it that he thinks you will do when out with friends? Cheat? Get hurt?
"I don’t understand what I’ve done wrong."
What you have done wrong is that you don't sit at home so he always knows where you are. Or that you DO NOT deviate from any itineraries you give him. So if you say you are heading home, you better head home.
Sorry, that is no way to live.
" I was a bit dubious at first, thinking it was just a work thing."
I think he knows you weren't into him in the beginning so he lovebombed you into dating him.
He doesn't sound like a healthy partner. He used "The silent treatment" with you when you didn't fall into line.
"He’s barely spoken to me today, won’t take my calls and keeps saying he doesn’t know if wants us to be together as he’s now worrying this will happen again and he’s going to get hurt and he’s going to worry every time I’m out with friends and having a drink."
Tell him that it's probably for the best to end it. That he is right and you don't want to hurt him but you can't stop living your life either.
You two are NOT a good fit.
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