A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Ok, to catchup, married a year, trying have a baby for a year, can't, wife depressed, emotional affair with a coworker, not sure if she loves me, etc.So last Monday I found out about her EA and she promised to end it. We started counseling. After she promised to end it, I looked at her IE history and saw she was still looking at his myspace page, and other pages that weren't indicitive of "trying to make it work" so I turned on the keylogging software that I had installed, but felt guilty about using.Tuesday night at dinner, steelers highlights were on, and she said she's always wanted to go to a steelers game, but tix are too expensive. I suggested that since we don't know where we're going to be at during x-mas (if together at all) why don't we just get the tix as our gifts to each other and it would be something we would both look forward to. She accused me of being too optimistic, which led to a long discussion of just how NOT optimistic I am. We talked about all the factors of how we would get divorced (living arrangements, cats, finances, etc.) She feels the need to 'run' and wants to move away no matter what (either alone, or the two of us). I told her since either way, it looks like we won't be living in the house, why not just sell it and have one less stress in our life as we're trying to work on things. She seemed happy about that.So... that night, I found out she went upstairs and sent the following email:So I just really needed to tell you abou this. t I just had a surreal conversation with *** about things if we don't make it. And basically at the end of it, since he knows that regardless of how things go I want to move, he suggested that we go ahead and put the house up for sale. He's going to find a realtor and we'll probably put it up next week. It's crazy, but I think it's the best thing we could do. I will feel so relieved when I'm out from under this place. Once the house is gone, I think the only thing keeping me here will be you and finding a job elsewhere. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you about that.Then this email:I hope it's ok to say that. I know you said you want to take it one step at a time. I'm not sure what that means so I'm just going to do what I need to and you can let me know what you want to do. It never did feel like home. If you've decided you don't want to leave Philadelphia with me I'll understand. Just please let me Sometimes I think of all these things I want to share with you, but I am scared that I'm bothering you so I don't. Notice the "..only thing keeping me here will be you..." part. So she came home wednesday night from happy hour, and I confronted her. She denied talking to him, and was very angry that I suspected her. She threw her phone at me telling me to go ahead and check (checking her phone is how I found out in the 1st place). I said no... but I asked her if she emailed him lately, she said no. I asked her if after we sell the house, is the only thing keeping her her him. She said no... but started to realize I knew. I blew up, told her about the keylogging software, knew she was lying, knew everything. Told her it's over, I'm calling a lawyer, want a divorce etc. She completely broke down and over the next few hours of talking/fighting, I think the realization of what her actions have been doing were sinking in. Up until now, she's had the best of both worlds, I have been supportive, doing laundry, grocery shopping, giving her space etc. (she's been studying for a certification test that is in a week). All the while she was able to talk/fantasize about running away with him.I know my wife 'pretty' well, and her demeaner has changed somewhat. Now here's the kicker. She grew up in Pittsburgh, and the other man is from Pitts. A lot of their texts back and forth were about the steelers winning (one of thier "things"). She never changed her password to her yahoo account (I let her watch me take the keylogging software off, but I guess she doesn't realize I got her passwords with it). So wednesday, when I had to get a shower to leave for IC, she purchased two tickets to the steelers game on Dec 30th, right after our fight/talk. So either she purchased them on my suggestion that we go, and she's trying to make it work, or she's planning on going with him. I can't tell. I told her that I would wait to call a lawyer until after her test, her life is in a tailspin. Turns out the OM's live in girlfriend found his texts, and has been stalking my wife, calling, and trying to follow her home. Her life is a complete mess, and part of me knows that making a hugh decision like divorce while she's out of her mind isn't fair. The other part of me says that she caused all this, and to leave. I figured for the sake of our marriage, past 6 years, I would at least wait. I guess I'll know for sure on the 30th.Any input?
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female
reader, rockelle +, writes (9 November 2007):
 I absolutely agree with Fade. As much as it may hurt for you to hear this I am going to be honest, the only reason I think she is still with you is because the other man was not stupid enough to leave his girlfriend to be with her. I advise you to leave. She is not worthy of fairness, how fair was she during this whole ordeal. I am not being mean but she has not made a sincere effort to make things work with you. She has been tellings lies and being very deceitful. You certainly do not want to spend the rest of your life with a women like that. I know you love her but you have to love yourself more. Cheating is cheating whether it is emotional or physical. Even if you do not take my advice and you decide to stay I hope things work out for you. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to make the decision that it is over. But if she doesn't respect you as her husband she should at least respect you as a person. Everyone deserves to be happy.
A
female
reader, mallorie410 +, writes (9 November 2007):
Okay she seems like a confused woman. I think its because she cant feel like a 'complete family' with the aspect of not being able to have a child. Ive come to learn that honesty is all best. Maybe...now this is a possibility (from a woman as well) You should tell him you are willing to move out for some time to see how things are. That way it gives her and yourself time to collect thoughts or feelings about one another. You are aware that the marriage is falling apart and that she has 'lost her mind'. I would let her go on her own for a few weeks or so and see how she feels. The OM might just end up being a fling and then she'll come to realize that she has a great caring hubby at home (which does housework!! that scores pts) and that this OM was just an 'experiment'. Maybe she wanted to fulfill herself sexually, physically. I think you should sit down and just ask questions. What does he have the makes her feel fulfilled, a woman? Does he have something that sparks an interest? Once you know these things i think you can decide to hit the road or not. On the other hand i would:
1) Speak with her...ask questions. Nothing is wrong with asking questions or concerns about your spouse.
2) Split up for a few weeks to see what feelings evolve on either end
Good luck! and for the tickets....you shouldnt have to have the thought in your head if they are for the 2 of you or for you WIFE and her OM...
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