A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid's agony aunts and uncles I need your wisdom and adviceI moved in with my fiancé of three years. we chose to move in to a new flat and were very happy to begin with apart from the obvious stresses of moving. this is my first time living away from my parents which I found very hard and I still do at timesHowever, it has been three months and already there are a few things that have become very large problems. One of them is that my fiancé, we'll call him F, has not been helping with his side of the payments. We agreed that everything we have to pay will be split and we shall pay half each. F gets paid weekly from his bar work but gets enough money to pay me the £150 a week as we agreed. Only twice he has paid me this amount. Last week he gave me £50 and this week £70, other times he hasn't paid me at all. I can afford to pay our bills and rent but when we first moved in I had to buy a lot of furniture resulting in myself now being stuck extremely overdrawn in my bank accountAs I have to start paying back a loan I took out next month I am very stressed about money and I am hardly sleeping. F knows about this but still doesn't give me the correct money as he should. This is possibly my own doing as I had gotten into a habit of paying for more than I should before we moved in together. I paid for mainly all of our weekends away, trips to the cinema and all of our takeaways and other treats. I even bought him an xbox for Christmas last year and he bought me nothing. It is his birthday in two weeks and I have told him not get his hopes up about getting an nintendo ds as I don't have the money. He got extreamly sulky when he heard this and was in a bad mood for the rest of the day.It has never been the best relationship, there was never any cheating as far as I am aware but I know that he likes to flirt and at two points I have caught him texting other girls in more than just a friendly way. Even on his facebook he has chosen to hide his relationship status and never has a picture of us together at all on show. I know this is trivial but I'm sure you can see it does make you wonder why he has to hide the fact he is engaged. Another problem is that we have not had sex for three weeks, almost four. And in the last two weeks it seems he cannot bear to touch me. For example, I will sit next to him on the sofa or get into bed next to him and accidently touch his arm or leg. As soon as he feels me touch him he moves away. I haven't recieved so much as a kiss from him apart from last Sunday when we were a little drunk. He refuses to hold my hand in public like he used too. I have no idea why this is. I have jokingly mentioned it and he told me it was nonsense and that of course he doesn't mind me touching him. He tells me he loves me still but not every day but Then he never has done. He also became very jealous the other day when a male friend whom I hadn't spoken to in a very long time text me. He really hated the fact another guy was talking to me. Last night F was drunk again and when he asked if I thought he should get his penis peirced I said it doesn't matter to me as we don't have sex anymore anyway. F then became very angry and threw a blanket across the room telling me I shouldn't insult him. We are now barely talking and it's a nightmareI love him but for a few weeks it feels as though the rose tinted glasses are slowly slipping off and I am seeing what my friends and parents have warned me about. A sponger and a layabout. He does no chores but just makes a mess wherever he goes and I always pick up after him as I refuse to live in an untidy home. I keep telling him to help me but he never does. I don't know what to think, am I living with a useless lazy guy who is just taking the piss out of me because he knows I will pay for everything as it needs to be done? Or is it me? Maybe I've turned into an old unattractive nag? Do I make him move out or do I ride it out?Sorry for such a long rant but I need to get it off of my chest as I feel I have no one else to confide in as I defend F to everyone I know and I will be ashamed by people telling me 'i told you so'Please hurry to write back with your advice guys and girls, I am desperate!
View related questions:
christmas, drunk, engaged, facebook, flirt, jealous, money, moved in, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (21 June 2011):
 Nothing wrong with you. You are just raising a brat.
Oh wait, you are not his Mom, you are his gf?
He sounds very immature and not anywhere NEAR being a responsible, functioning adult.
The relationship does not work for BOTH of you.
I would say you have two options.
1-He moves out and you get a new roomate.
2-YOU move out and he gets a new roomate.
Best Wishes.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 June 2011):
 Advice:
make him pay his agreed to amount. tell him if he does not pony up the 150 this week that he has ONE week to get out...
he's using you hon... my ex husband did that.. when he was a bit short on his pay he would short me what he was supposed to pay me... and I let him... because it was my nature to be generous but it wore on me fast... note he is my EX husband.. his not pulling his weight and making me have to parent my spouse is ONE of the reasons.
...............................
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (21 June 2011):
 Just out of interest, how old is he?
If he is sulking about not getting a nintendo, im guessing he is not much out of his teens?
I hate to say it, but this is why young relationships dont work. Until you have lived with someone you really have NO idea about who they are as people. As you have said, the rose tinted glasses are suddenly coming off and you can see this boy for what he really is - a boy.
You are fine - there is nothing wrong with you, but if he will not pay his way and you cannot afford to pay, then you need to take serious steps.
This is not a game any more, playing house, but serious financial concerns.
One thing I would say tho, is that when you dont have a lot of money, you do have to budget. From what you have said (weekends away, cinema trips every weekend etc) you have been splashing the cash. That is all fair and good but when you have to support yourself you do have to be careful and keep things for a rainy day - just in case. I know thats boring, but it may save you one day.
You are engaged to this man. He will not change. His attitudes to money will not change. Can you honestly say you would be able to put up with this kind of behaviour for the rest of your life?
You are still very young, move on.
Good Luck!
...............................
|
