A
male
age
41-50,
*inal step
writes:Hello everyone. As my screen name suggests I feel like im ready to make a choice but I need some real strong non-hateful advice. I have never used a service like this so I hope it will make me see things more clearly. I really need help. anyway here goes.. first id like to say my wife and I of ten years got married very young and for the wrong reasons,(we were both seventeen had both had to get parents consent). we didn't want to be apart and the only way her parents would let her stay and live with me is if we got married. (her parents moved out of state.) I was too young to even know the real meaning of love. not an excuse,just the truth. that being said I have had nummerous affairs throught my entire marriage with numerous women. it sounds awful and have no excuse for it other than I was young and irresponsible. I started out getting a worthless job and was basically broke. she worked too but money was scarce and we were very poor and she was with me through some very tough times. she also had no idea of my affairs. she was trusting and very loving to me and I still feel guilty to this day. she is nothibg but good to me. throughout the tough trying years I kept up the affairs with different women. she did cheat on me one time but I am not at all upset about it as I did deserve it and it would be hypocritical to think I didn't deserve it. I was scum and was never there for her. making a long story short,throughout the struggling years and hard work, I have a fantastic career now and finances are no longer a worry at all. I became one of the youngest vice presidents for a private firm, ever. I stopped having affairs and I was ready to settle with my wife. here is the issue. I have recently met another woman. what makes this other woman different from the others is this. all my affairs were flings. no relationships and no strings. this woman, (ill call her wilma), is not like the rest because from the first moment I saw her, it was love. I talked to her and let her in my mind in which no one, not even my wife, knows me as well as I let wilma know me. I've been seeing wilma for almost a year now. I have had no desire for other women whatsover. all I can ever think about is wilma. wilma knows about my situation and my marriage. wilma is willing to be with me and realizes that she will always be there for me. she wants me to leave my wife and be with her and is willing to wait. wilma has told me she doesnt want to force me to do anything because she doesn't want me to resent her. she respects and trusts that I love her dearly. wilma is truly the woman of my dreams and we love each other more than words can describe. I never felt this way about my wife or any other woman, (never thought I could). my problem is is that I will always feel extremely guilty if I leave my wife. we have no children. I never wanted to have any with my wife because in the back of my mind I always knew I never truly loved her and having children with her would be more irresponsible than our foolish decision to get married in the first place. my wife, however, has sacrificed a great deal for me and has never wronged me. she is a sweet good person who deserves to be happy. however, she is always saying that she wouldn't know what to do if I left and is willing to forgive me for anything and that she loves me, (she is unaware of wilma.. it would crush her and humiliate her completely if she knew). a friend told me this disturbing piece of advice. no one is ever truly happy in a marriage. people fool themselves to be happy and are just settling. is this true? if so, should I stay with my wife so she can enjoy the life we have and let her be happy and sacrifice my own happiness and stay with what I know and am familiar with,(like everyone else 'supposedly') or do I start a new life with a woman I truly love and let my wife's sacrifices be for nothing?? I must add that I love my wife. ten years is a long time and of course you grow to love. however, I don't believe I was ever IN LOVE with her and know that I am not now. I know what love is now that I am ten years older and found a woman for the first time in my life that I am in love with. wilma has no children,never been married, and is beautiful more than words can describe. in case it gets brought up, wilma is also very financialy secure and is not with me for money and work for two seperated and related companies. And, for woman that may read this, (lol I have read some responses from others with other blogs), I have no problem divorcing and giving my wife half or more of what I've got because she does deserve it and I have no problem doing that if that is what she wanted. this whole thing is about emotion, hurt, and love. material things play no part whatsoever in my decision or dilema. honest advice please and thank you for taking time and reading this... best wishes.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2009): Dear final step. I want to assure you i am not “ obviously a scarred and hurt woman that has been wronged in life.” This is your assumption only because i read your situation correctly and highlighted your “wrongdoing” (although you won’t see it like that) depicting you in a true light. You are right, this is not a perfect world. We in fact make it imperfect and excuse away our behaviour. By claiming to be feeling so “guilty” and having a dilemma whether it is going to be your wife or your lover, you are trying to depict a confused soul. You have now shifted blame and are accusing me of being so messed up that i dare point out the obvious in your life. I note that you have been unable to handle the criticism but also note you chose to reply with tact. Thank you for that. I believe have challenged you and that you were unprepared for this challenge. I looked at other factors that have influenced your life. Nevertheless, you are in the process of making a life changing decision and i trust that this decision alters your path and that in the end, you find the happiness you so desperately crave. i wish you and "Wilma" success and honesty in your relatonship. Good luck to you.
A
male
reader, final step +, writes (22 May 2009):
final step is verified as being by the original poster of the questionill also day that in a perfect world, if my wife would be kay with me leaving and if she found someoone that can treat her the way she deserves to be treated, then I would not have this problem. I do care about her and I know causing pain is enivitable. thanks to everyone's post, including anonymous, im closer to making a decision. thanks to all.
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A
male
reader, final step +, writes (22 May 2009):
final step is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks holly and your input has helped. im close to making a decision and ill keep you updated. as for anynomus, you are obviously a scarred and hurt woman that has been wronged in life and im sorry. you seem to completely ignore my story and think im twisting my words somehow, but you are just looking at things from your hurt perspective. I don't think anyone here is a fool as you claim. not even you. I don't know anyone in here. Ill refrain from making personal attacks against you, but ill just say that you obviously do not know the difference of being in love and loving someone. if I wanted the best of both worlds, as you claim, I wouldn't bother even posting here or even contemplationg leaving. I would just keep living as I am now and not have a care in the world about it, but like I said, you been wronged obviously and im sorry. I could easily leave my marriage, nothing is tying me down, no children, nothing, but im such a monster as you claim, that apparently I just like hurting people just cause im selfish?
I recgonize I was scum. a horrible person for those ten years. I accept that responsibility. my wife wasn't perfect either, and I don't even post things about her not because I don't care, its that despite anything she may ever have done, I would never post blame on her because like I said from the very beginning, this marriage should never have happened and throwing blame solves nothing. you seem to think I shoudnt have waited ten years and maybe your right. ill take that point as the only thing I learned from your perspective. in fact your absolutely right on that. other than that, your sadly mistaken on everything else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2009): Wow, final steps you do have a way with decidedly apt words. I am the female who posted the long note to you and follow this with an equally longer comment.Final steps you know full well that your mind is almost made up. You conveniently advise that you are /were contemplating living in this loveless marriage just so that your wife could be spared the heartache of a divorce. It think you need to realise that through your posts your inconsistencies have been coming out. You claiming to love your wife but not in love with her bullshit. You then claiming never to have loved your wife in the first place. This misguided feelings towards your wife , and the apparent guilt you talk about is bullshit. The site readers here are not stupid, as you initially thought us to be. Your last post talks about being “forced” to marry since her parents were going away. In the same breath you also said that no one forced your wife to get married. This baffles me so. Your clever words, so selectively chosen, indicates a man full of inconsistencies, like a man with a split personality. And come to think of it from reading your many posts of both your postings i think you need some major insight into YOU. I think you maliciously and cowardly hid your affairs not to protect your wife but to enjoy both worlds. One being an adulterer f*cking anything and everything in your path and then the “chaste” hb fooling your wife into blissful oblivion. For so long you managed this two sides to you. Do you even know which is the real you. Do you even care?I think in all honesty your Wilma is entitled to you. You have proven time and time again what a lowlife you have become. No amount of “professional status” can change the makeup of a person. Your expensive suits, your good title, the financial freedom all cannot change the person you truly are. This position of power that you have right now, this feeling of importance is nothing. Your background made you, you were nothing and as you started to climb the corporate ladder, your self importance has grown. You may think that your insecurities and your self esteem has improved but no it has not. You crave the powerful image, of being a decision maker, you crave and you are hungry for this success. You want the acknowledgement. Your power hungry ambition to succeed in life sadly has had the opposite effect in your personal life. You may have “succeeded” in the corporate world but because of not having for many years, this power and success instead of making you a man has actually given you a big head. You believe just as you make the big decisions in the boardroom the same ruthlessness can be carried out in your personal life. You will learn the hard way and you and your Wilma will actually see the wheel turning in a few years time. Your W, the other woman is attracted to this all powerful man, but does she know that beneath the surface lurks a man who is not powerful at all. In fact he is nothing more than a fake. Yes, a fake. Think hard and honestly about your mannerisms, your make up system. Your desire to be accepted. To have an equally successful partner is driving you these days. Yes, you outgrew your “housewife status” wife a long time ago. You just don’t to have her around because she doesn’t fit your corporate image. She doesn’t fit this professional image that you have cultivated over the years. It’s a pity that you have learnt professionalism and may have financial success but it did nothing for you to possess some moral fibre. Some things cannot be taught but it is innate. It is the built in value system which you sadly lack, that makes the difference between a successful professional man and a decent successful professional man. The reason why you and your Wilma make such a “perfect” match, is it because you both possess the same value system. It seems like it. She has no qualms and has positioned herself as the woman, going forward in your life. Together. If she had a shred of decency and values system she would not have open them legs to you now would she. Corruption breathes corruption and you both have a corrupt value system. Please do not hide by your professional image and wanting to do the right thing. Do you even know what the right thing is. You can hide behind clearly chosen words but you know your true self and please, take a closer, hard look. What do you see. Do you like what begins to emerge??? You actually do not have any dilemma. This false sense of caring for your wife is actually nonsense. You only care for yourself and your mistress. The decision is already made. It is just the execution of said plans that is standing in your way. In fact your wife’s existence stands in your way. You are not in an unhappy marriage, you are actually not in a marriage. All you have is a piece of legal document, that is all. Do what Wilma wants you to do. “she wants me to leave my wife and be with her” . This is inevitable. You are with her already. So much drama for a simple execution. Why? Just to clear your conscious, if you do have any? “but understand that noone forced her to marry me.” What are you trying to say here – that your wife had free will and that no one forced her to marry a faithless person like you? How very big of you. And with the same token – no one forced you to steal 10 years of HER life. You claim to now have found true love. There is nothing special about this Wiman, i question her morally, ethically, just as i question you. As i said you both are well suited since you both have the same value system. This romantic notion of true love – can you picture this movie - f*ucking around for many years, our knight in shining armour finally meets the great love of his life, but wait, he is married, she doesn’t mind because they are in love and in the end, love conquers all? I actually think if your wife has any inkling to the real you she would run far away from you. She won’t be able to recognise you and what you have become. It will take her quite a while but being away from you totally will actually “save” her from you. You, her pillar of strength, you her “faithful” hb of 10 yrs ( i laught at this really) are nothing but a real piece of work. Guilt, what guilt i dare ask. The all powerful hungry executive wants it all, and surely he will get it. Your question about the 17 yr old changing through time. Yes it happens. But the young 17 yr old should not have waited for 10 yrs to ‘destroy” the wife that he has never loved at all. Doesn’t that make you a selfish piece of a human being? Why use your wife for all these years then throw her away like a worthless piece of shit? Oh, i forgot because your mistress Wilma has now taught you all about Love. How convenient! This great love you are consumed about is nothing more than an extra marital affair. Your dilemma is only how to be perceived to be good and moral to your wife. You have never sacrificed anything in your life and you will not start now. Your decision is made. Simple. This concept of guilt and the concept of now doing good is just empty concepts with no merit. You know it and the readers on this site have also recognised it. You can only fool some of the people some of the time but not all of the people all of the time. For starters, how about stop fooling yourself?Your subsequent postings reveal the real you. And it is not looking good. Good luck with your life with "Wilma" . You will be needing it.
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A
male
reader, final step +, writes (22 May 2009):
final step is verified as being by the original poster of the questionananymous again, we both agreed to get married because we feared losing each, at the time, because her parents were moving away and the only way they would allow us to live together was by getting married. it was both our ideas to get married for that reason. it was an irresponsible decision on BOTH our parts. but you are right, WE, shouldve have gotten married in the first place.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2009): If you've never been in love with her then why the hell did you even marry her? Thats so unfair on her, shes imagined for the past ten years that the husband shes so in love with, the one she depends on and trusts, comes home to every day loves her too and he really doesnt? Its bad enough being in a relationship for even a short ammount of time with someone you fall for who doesnt love you back let alone married for all them years!! I also agree with anonymous female, if Wilma was willing to cheat your wife then whose to say she isnt capable of cheating on you too?
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A
male
reader, final step +, writes (21 May 2009):
final step is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfemale anyomus. thanks for your input. I have to respectufully point out some things in my situation. for one, I understand pigeonholing and classifying every adulter into one category. they will all keep doing and keep doing it. my question is this, do you believe given the fact that two children, and that's what we were, children getting married at seventeen are really expected to live like adults? im not justifying my affairs by any means however don't you believe a seventeen year old changes by the time he reaches thirty?
there is no itch. I am mature now and understand life much better and differently than back then. also, take into account that I was not in love with my wife back then nor am I now. I never fell out of love. I am not naïve to what mistressess are capable of. I know I love her. im not saying I will be married anytime soon. the conflict is I know my wife deserves better and the guilt is horrible because she has relied on me soley for ten years. she deserves whatever she wants from the divorce because this is not her fault, but understand that noone forced her to marry me. we both decided together at a time we, as teeneaged lovers, were threatened to be apart forever. my guilt is there because she done nothing to deserve this, but pigeonholing me to other categories might be a little unfair as we got married under most unusual circumstances.
yes I cheated numerous times, but do you not think it possible that during those years and those women, I finally found one that makes me feel different from the rest and taught me the meaning of love?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): I am actually smiling and (maybe shaking my head ) a little while i am trying this. I will give you my (perhaps) different take on your affair with Wilma (W). Please see in your minds eye what i am talking about. Apologies i call a spade a spade (maybe sometimes a shovel) in my hard response to you.
You F8cked around for so many years and now still continued f*cking Wilma who is supposedly the love /lust of your life. Lets focus on your Wilma that you are so obsessed and consumed with ;
- Has no qualms about sleeping with a married man
- Being one of the many extra marital affairs that you have had
- Your lover wants you to leave your wife and be with her
- She is financially secure
Does Wilma know of the so called overwhelming guilt you are now facing. I am assuming the previous affairs did not bring about any guilt feelings. I am sure she also wants you to throw some pittance to your wife for all the sacrifices she has made during the term of your marriage. Wilma is attracted to the married man who live a flamboyant lifestyle, she is drawn to the man that she has in her life but can never have fully, why he is married of course. He is powerful, he is mature, he is financially secure – this man is actually you. So she has her hooks into you her married lover. You act like a love sick teenager with this W. Becareful W is not your wife. She will take you to the cleaners when you f*ck up. She is independent, she doesn’t need you financially but she will make your life a living hell if you do the same to her as you have done with your life. She may be party to the lies and deceit in your marriage but she will not tolerate you f*cking her over. Remember she is a very clever woman.
But what W does not know is this - Your ability to have affairs over the years indicate that you don’t have a faithful bone. Yes your W is now all you can think about but sooner or later, yo are going to get that itch in your pants and it won’t be for good old W. I THINK YOU NEED TO BE REALISTIC. You are so used to f*cking around, you may have stopped for this 1 year but you are what is termed a serial cheater. You get bored , just like you have done with your wife. I give you 2 more yrs with W an then that itch will start. I guarantee it. Why? Because history has proven itself over and over again. W is not your destiny. She has a purpose in your life right now and that is to make you end your marriage. Why? Because you ended it yrs ago with your adultery. Some people come into our lives for a season or two then we move on but the lesson remains.
W fulfils the function of a mistress currently. How many mistresses make better wives? The percentage is so small. People are mistresses for a reason. The number of men leaving their wives for their lovers & having successful relationships with them is minimum. She may not be pressuring you but her words, her actions, all innocently done indicate her desperation to have you all to herself. W shows signs of all mistresses. Slowly but surely their needs need to come out. Slowly she wants you to wean yourself from your wife. Slowly she will ensure that she is the only thing/person you think about. Soon she ensures that she is your obsession. The mind blowing sex, the closest person in the world, so understanding, so every sweet and innocent. But wait, there is more to W. Her biological clock is ticking)?), she just doesn’t want o be a mistress forever, she slowly wants the title of Mrs. She so gently and so understandingly gives a nudge, a push in the right direction. Why the wife when you can have me, all of me. I am here for you, i understand you, we are sole mates. And the slow mind shifting stories continue. Slowly she convinces her married lover that she is the one. All of this plays out like a soft romantic novel but wait a minute this is real life we are talking about. You may ask how i know this mistress/lover/married man scenario. I work in the legal financial services industry. The stories are all so similar. We actually compare notes ( i know it is wrong to compare notes but i am privy to some hefty divorce settlements. The hb leaves wife for mistress scenario is so rife, the hb thinks that his situation is different. That he actually does love his mistress. The drama unfolds. Yawn!Sorry!)
Regarding your wife. Did she put her career on hold while your were the focal point in your marriage. You talk of doing the right thing here. Are you certain you will give her 50% of EVERYTHING. Will this divorce not mess up your good intentions. Will you be swayed by W or anyone else in your life not to do the right thing financially for your wife.
I have to share this summarised story told to me by an attorney.
The attorney was giving me the lowdown on a divorce settlement he had managed to secure for his client (that i also know). Yes, you guessed it. Respectable hb, financially secure, having an affair with his work colleague. Wife was bitter, did not want to settle financially etc. But the attorney managed to sort things out. Good financially secure client then immediately moves in with his lover. Great for a while. The sex is awesome ( what i just cannot figure is why hb’s think that their wives no not like to f*ck., but their mistresses do. Baffles me this sex thing about wives vs mistresses). Normal life starts with this perfect compatible couple. Slowly their previously secret life becomes the normal everyday life of normal couples. The bickering starts between this man and his lover. A few weeks (yes, only a few weeks later) the attorney meets with the client and well asks howz thing (remembering the events of the acrimonious divorce). Client reveals to attorney that it is just not working out. Why – the client states the mistress starts acting like a wife (LOL).
Personally i don’t think you are hurting about this. You just want to show some human emotions. You divorced yourself from your marriage yrs ago. This bullshit of not wanting to hurt your wife and so forth is just that BULLSHIT. But you have made your decision that you want W so you have to do something about the loyal wife. Guilt does not play any part so lets be clear about the facts. Your mind is made up. If you were indeed guilty then you would not be in this mess. You knowlingly and purposefully started an extra marital affair wih W. End of story. Please say it like it is. I read the words. Nicely thought of , romanticised relationship, subtle yet powerful. I too am a professional and i know too how to write tactful long letters/emails/ legal briefs. I get the message across, without telling the person to f8ck off in a diplomatic way so lets be clear. You want out and you do not want a legal mess. The only hurt party here will be your wife. So lets set the scene properly. You do not want her, you want your mistress -love, hurt , emotions are all that your wife has to deal with. You will just continue as you have always been. Yes, you will feel discomfort and uneasy that the wife will cry and hurt but hey, it’s life. The emotions you talk about is not about you. Your decision has been made. It is the implementation of that decision that is going to cause problems for you.
For your case divorce your wife because you no longer love her and want to make your marriage work. Do not divorce her because of W and W’s influence in your life. I pray that your wife one days find closure. Yes, you will destroy her for years to come, but one day she will overcome her heartache and pain and one day she will shine again. But this time her shine will be met by a faithful, loyal man who will love, cherish and be devoted to her. You have stolen 10 years of her life and sadly she cannot get this back But she can start her life afresh. There are plenty of men out there that will be willing to share their lives with her and i think once she opens her heart to them she will realise that there is life after you.
You asked whether anyone is ever truly happy in a marriage. During long duration marriages i actually we fall in and out of love with our spouses. We do not love them passionately every day, we love maybe in stages, some days more strongly than others. everyday life happens start to happen, the kids, work, external family, friends but through all this, the “happy” state of marriage continues through the ups and downs. We get into a comfortable routine, that routine becomes boring yes, but then we work harder and cleverer in the marriage. These trial times, the good and bad become intertwined. It becomes one of oneness. Happiness is a state of being. For me, sometimes just having a piece of chocolate cake is a state of being or even having a quickie in the morning before work. Different things in the marriage contribute to different elements of a marriage. Are we happy all the time. NO. But are we sad all the time. Hell no. It’s lifes little give and take situation. This thing about being in love with someone and loving someone is just so over rated. People only want to complicate their lives by consistently differentiating the two. By doing this somehow we get the rocket scientist feeling here. Love can be all consuming, passionate, wild, it can also be still, quiet, the little something in our lives – perhaps a smile, a kind gesture. Does it make it any different if it is quiet instead of wild, peaceful and contentedness instead of outrageous. No, its just different feelings and different elements that sits well with us. We are all different and our understanding and concept of love and loving is also different. We just complicate and try to rationalise these concepts when in fact it is so intertwined and just part and parcel of our very being.
By the way Holly 7000, you make such valid points. You have touched on so many vital thinks that Final step has to consider. For your wife’s sake please do the right thing – if it is the only thing you do for her. With regards to you – you seem like the kind of person who bounces back from anything. Your W if you are not careful may just become the bane in your life.
(words, are so deceptive. To get the kind of responses we want, we choose carefully hidden concepts, subtle tones/ emotive lines. It conges up different images/ it lessens the blow/it romanticises situations. I just love the English language!)
you have 2 posting highlighting your plight so don't know which one to respond to. Both tackle the same issues.
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A
male
reader, final step +, writes (21 May 2009):
final step is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your time anonymous. I agree that our relationship is badly damaged and believe me I love for us to move on. the problem is the guilt. I don't think I can overcome it and im afraid it may effect me in my future relatinship. I just wish there was an easy way to deal with it lol. its an overwhelming sense of obligation I guess.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): I'm not yet married but i know myself from seeing happily married couples that your friends advice was not true at all. Marriage isn't about settling for second best because its there its about comitting yourself to the one you truly love with all your heart, so wilma in your case. This situation is all very unfair on your wife, put yourself in her shoes, married to you for ten years loves you to bits and finds out that you've cheated on her all them times, and now your leaving her for this other woman? Shes going to be heartbroken, but its better doing it now rather than even later when wilma's getting hurt waiting for you and your wifes going to be even more hurt! Just confront your wife head on, admit everything and if shes going to hit you let her, if shes going to yell let her. Just dont carry on like this!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): Well it's the truth that a great deal of marriages will fail, even second marriages and third ones. And of those who stay married, I have no doubt that there are those who are absolutely miserable and are staying out of a sense of obligation, maybe religion, family etc. And even those that have great relationships, like satindesires below, this is still only a snapshot of them at a particular time. A three year relationship might be perfect when you check in on it at three years, but when you do at 15 years, it might not be anymore.
I don't think it's cynical to say that no-one is ever happy in a marriage. Just a little inaccurate. I mean, people must have been happy the day they got married right? No one really gets married thinking that it will end. But these things happen. Some relationships last a long time because both people are very similar, they both change very little over the course of the relationship, and there is no incentive for them to leave. Other people can have the most intense love affair that lasts for 2 years and then fizzles.
Whatever the case, the relationship with your wife is clearly quite badly damaged. I think you both deserve something better!
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