A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex contacted me after a long time.He was the most serious relationship I have had and although I have moved on with my life, I have not found someone else yet. He has moved on and has a new long term girlfriend.We split because I felt he didn't love me as I loved him and I ended it after trying to make it work for 3 years. He emailed saying he is moving house and found a possession of mine to give back, a love token from our relationship.I am curious to speak to him. I still have lingering emotions and I wonder if meeting may clear them but I also fear that it will leave me feeling worse and think it may be better to just not see him again. I don't want it rubbed in my face that he is happy and moving on with a new girlfriend, when I am still trying to build my life.I don't even really care about this thing he wants to give back, it's just a reason for him to see me. Part of me feels that it would be nice to be friendly, but another part is still hurt and I don't want to have salt rubbed in the wound. But I also don't want to be a baby and refuse to speak to him just because he has a new girlfriend. We have been broken up 3 years now and spoken occasionally, but not for a year. I want to feel indifferent.Is it normal to still be friends with a long term ex or is it ok to just not keep in contact with them ever? He wasn't a really bad Bf, I just wanted more from our relationship which he never gave, and I don't want to hear about him giving that to someone else. I don't want to be bitter and sad, and refuse to be friendly with him, do you know what I mean?But I am afraid of seeing him and hearing of how happy he is with his new girlfriend because that would make me feel horrible. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2015): HelloI just want to say something that I learned myself about why a boyfriend won't treat you in certain ways, but will then go on and be an almost perfect partner for the next woman.I spent years feeling inadequate about this. And then years feeling used when I realised it's very simply: the guy simply learns from you how to go about things better next time with the next woman. It really is as simple as that.What helped me was, instead of becoming bitter and feeling ONLY used, I made a list that got bigger and bigger about everything that I'd gained from that relationship. It was really hard to do that without the bitterness seeping in and without qualifying each thing on the list with what I felt I'd had to "pay" for it. Even writing things down like "I learned to look, early on, for subtle clues that this is not the guy for me" or "I learned to really listen to myself and what I want from a partner, and not to feel selfish about it" - it really helped. I couldn't do it straight away, I was too upset. But it helped me to stop being bitter.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much guys. I replied saying to just get rid. He may just want to reconnect, but he can just ask how I am or invite me to catch up if he wants to. I don't want a freaking teddy from years ago.
I already know where I stand and can guess how he may feel, so I don't need any closure, really! I just want to be happy and get on with my own life. I don't need to go through any more meetings with him to gain clarity on the situation.
jannipeg, I know that how he treats his new girlfriend SHOULDN'T bother me, but I know if I found he was doing all the things he refused to do with me, that would hurt because it would make me question why her and not me. But the past is the past, we're both different people now, so onwards and upwards!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 April 2015):
 I'm with SVC.
I'd tell him thanks, but just toss it. And If you still have lingering feelings FOR him, I think meeting up i a bad idea. Because it could give you "hope" that he isn't happy or want you back. Or it could make you feel like crud because he is all happy now with someone else.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 April 2015):
 It is perfectly ok to say "no thanks just toss it away or if it's really important you can mail it to me"
but it's fine to NOT see him and NOT be friendly with him.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 April 2015):
 Be indifferent then. Whatever happens with his new girlfriend shouldn't bother you. Don't see him because you are curious if his new girlfriend is getting the better treatment. Don't see him to get an answer whether he is using the possession as an excuse to see you, catch up with you. Just email him back and say he can throw it in the trash. Not wanting to be friends with him doesn't mean you are bitter and sad. It means you have better things to do than to meet up with an ex.
Usually ex guys who keep in contact through possessions, or borrowing stuff wants to reconnect. Or he wants to get rid of it because he doesn't want his new girlfriend to see it. An appropriate thing to do after a break up is to discard every photo, every memory that triggers. Why would you want to keep an ex love token if you want to forget him? It's almost like he mentioned this love token for you to remember the good times you had. Either way it's totally okay to not talk to exes. You certainly care more than you should. If there's a possibility you rehash about the hurt in the past, it's impossible to be friends. Although your intention to be friends could be moving on and detaching from the romance but your heart wants more.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (6 April 2015):
 Your situation is why meeting his EX is every girls nightmare.
Like you, he probably knows that the the trinket he is returning is useless but after staring at it for 3 years in his house, there is likely a reason he wants to "return it" as oppose to throwing it away which, of course, he could have done numerous times had he been bitter at you.
That means that he harbors feelings for you accept we don't know what kind. Those feelings could be the same as yours as in getting back together or could be of more sinister nature such as new source of sex for him.
I don't sense that your break up with him was bitter but even if it was and he has decided to rub it one last time, going through that would be one of those defining moments that would decisively clear your past history irrespective of how tense those moments could possibly be.
After meeting him you will definitively know better where you stand on this either way and, most important, you won't have that "what if" stigma that could haunt you for rest of your life.
I'm sure you will be on guard, and hear what he has to say. Just because a guy has a new GF it does not follow that he is happy.
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