A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I got married to my boyfriend recently whom I was with in a long distance relationship for 3 yrs. We still live apart as I have not moved to his city yet as he could be taking a transfer to mine. I have dark secret which haunts me even now. Last year I met a guy whom I had known before but used to kind of avoid as I was in a relationship. I had gone with the intention of just having coffee and having a small talk. However, after that day things just escalated to another level. We started meeting more often and We even had sex. He lives alone and close to my work place which I have quit now. I was in love with him madly. And in spite of being in a committed relationship I continued seeing him and having sex with him. When I thought I should clear about his feelings and take a decision about my existing relationship, He told me that He loves being with me but does not want to be in a relationship as He had suffered a betrayal from his ex. I was furious. I felt like he only wanted to have sex with me. Every time I would try to break all ties with him he would go mad and even visit my office. The next thing we would do is to get in bed and make mad love. I kept on telling him that I love him but he would shamelessly say nothing and just kiss me. This broke me and made me feel worse as I was cheating on my boyfriend who is now married to me and dsnt even have a clue about all this. The problem now is that after I got married this guy comes and proposes me and tells me that He really loves me and He only realised it now. He tells me he made a huge mistake by letting me go. I told him that I am married now but that did not make any difference to him. He said he wants me back. I again felt like he's probably missing the sex. When I told him that I had sex with my husband he got mad at me and has now stopped talking to me. He felt betrayed. I dont know what kind of logic is that. He does not talk to me anymore and even I have blocked him everywhere, but I do keep missing him somehow. I dont know how to clear this mess and keep my peace. My husband is a wonderful person but we are more like buddies whereas this guy had the passion for me like I wanted Please help me ! I do not know what I should do . Is it ever okay to cheat ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2016): I just wrote the previous reply, but I also wanted to add that it's certainly possible that the boyfriend does love you but he is insecure himself and afraid to reveal his true feelings because he doesn't want to get too close. You chose another man over him and therefore rejected him earlier - correct? And now you are married to someone else and he can only assume that you will eventually be with your husband and leave him once again.Either way, it's not fair to play these guys, so you have to take some responsibility as well. I will add that I understand this to some degree because I have been in a similar position before, but it never progressed to the degree of physically cheating while married. Also, with your husband being in another city you are lonely, and that makes it even more difficult and more tempting to cheat.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2016): Sweetie, you did not think this whole marriage thing through. Marriage is a commitment to one person, right? How would you feel if your husband was doing what you were doing? Or would that not matter to you?
Drop the boyfriend who sounds like he is only using you. Tell your husband you were cheating, and then go from there. Get some therapy, alone, and then if you and your husband decide you want to continue on with your marriage, get some couples therapy, too.
Right now you have put yourself in a very stressful position and you are being consumed by guilt because you are cheating and the pain you feel because your boyfriend does not seem to return your feelings.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (16 June 2016):
 NO, it's never "OK" to cheat....
You've woven this deceitful web very wide and tight.... so, the best you can do is:
1. Tell "lover-boy" that he's gotten his last lay from you... and to never contact you again,
2. GO TO (don't WRITE, TEXT or PHONE him)... and 'fess up... beg his forgiveness... and be astounded if he grants it (I would be!).... then,
3. Depending upon the results of No 2.... either carry on in your marriage.... or, set a new course for your life, with neither of these guys in it.
Good luck.... this won't be a pleasant time....
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 June 2016):
 The guy you cheated with is using you, it is clear to see, he wanted sex and you allowed him. Now he is missing the sex and wants to break up your marriage. The thing is he will never want you as his wife.
No it is never okay to cheat, what did your poor husband do to deserve this? People cheat and lie and they never think off how it can effect there partner, it can do long term damage to someone, he may never trust another woman again, you have possibly ruined his life, why do humans think it is okay to treat people they are meant to love like this? It is horrible and unforgivable.
The best thing you can do is be honest with your husband, he deserves to know the truth.
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (16 June 2016):
 You have to decide what you want.
Do you want to stay married? Will you be happy with him?
Or do you want to divorce and try and get back in touch with the other man?
It wont be easy and someone is going to get hurt either way. So make sure it is what you truely want.
btw the other man might not want you now so you could end up with no one.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (16 June 2016):
Ill sum it up for you.You married a beta, but received attention from an alpha and hence had sex with him. As an alpha, he just wanted you for sex and you obliged. Story is as old as humanity itself.Ill be more blunt. I dont believe for a moment you "only met to have coffee." The truth is you decided to have sex with this man well before you met for coffee, as otherwise you wouldnt have went.Last, I am more than a bit saddened by the number of cheating threads here punctuated with the inquiry - "What should I do?" How the hell is this even a question for a normal functioning adult. You cheated, you were not forced to do so, and did so repeatedly. Your "husband" has every right to have full knowledge of your adultery, and then make HIS decision on what HE wants to do.Take responsibility for your actions and tell your husband. Im quite certain if the shoe were on the other foot you would demand the same.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (16 June 2016):
 Your lover is playing you. Now that he knows you are married, he comes out to you that he allegedly wants you which is a ploy to keep getting sex. He knows he can't have you so by claiming he wants what he can't have, he seeks to string you up for sex. That man does not have good intentions for you and if you keep contact you will loose both men. You are good for cutting contact with him but you need to work on yourself to realize what an ill-intentioned man he is and how his presence is ruining you. If you just take out the memory of those 20 second long orgasms, you will realize how empty the whole affair was for your much longer life.
On the other hand, if you tell your husband that you were cheating, he will probably divorce you. There is a school of thought that argues that it is a moral requirement to come out clean to your husband on cheating. Although morally pure, doing that can ruin your life. In practice, though, virtually all cheaters keep silent until they are caught with irrefutable proof of their cheating. So on that issue, I have no advice for you because no matter what I say, it leads to no good.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2016): You cheated and yet you still got married !!
This issue of 'guilt' seems to only of started to cause issues since this other chap has got back in touch.
So it seems that it is not guilt more that you have realised that you have made a mistake marrying this nice man.
You should divorce him and tell him the truth that you have done wrong , if you lie he might forever think he has done something wrong when he has not
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (16 June 2016):
 You weren't making love, you were having sex. There's a big difference. He only wanted sex and you didn't. Cut all contact with that guy.As for your husband, you should probably get a divorce. You married someone you don't really love and you don't even know who's moving where. Where are you both from? How did you communicate? How often did you see each other?Cheating is never okay (unless perhaps when caring for your partner who is very ill and has severe Alzheimer's or something and they would never know because they physically couldn't process it or give you the love you need). Cheating like what you've done is *never* okay, but you know that or you wouldn't be here along for help. I think you should divorce your husband and stay single for a while. Only date people who live fairly close to you and don't cheat.
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