A
female
age
41-50,
*adger73
writes:Can you advice me? I am at the breaking point cos I don't know what else I can do. Let me explain it to you. I am a deaf mum of 1 kid and live with my hearing partner of 4 years. We are in mid 30's. Since I discovered that he's been cheating on me about 3 or 4 times but god know how many! He claimed these "women" friends of his got in touch with him via facebook but I found his profiles on some dating wesites that's how I found out. He swears that he's been faithful but it makes no sense to me as he went out for a drive cos he wanted to relax but it was about 6 hours before he came back. And he becomes ill and told me he needs go to hosptial cos his stomach pains got worse. He went as I had to stay at home cos of our kid. Got worried as few hours passed. I did text him but it was still on but he didn't reply. So, I got more worried and had to ring the hospitial via typetalk to find out what happened to him. It turned out he wasn't there as they had no record of him was there that evening. My heart sank as I realised he was playing away. When he came back, I confronted him about it and he claimed he was there BUT he believed they must have forgetten to put his name on the computer. I find it odd as he mentioned the doctor gave him pills! I know he is lying to me again. He refused to add me to his faceook and block me from view of his "women" friends. It is causing rows about trust issues. He even keeps his mobile with him all the time, even took it with him when he having a bath or going to bed. He did put his password on his mobile and laptop. I feel he is taking my deafness for granted as every time his moile or house phone rang, he answers it and say it is his parents. They don't know we live togther as they hate me cos I used to be a binge drinker but I gave up 2 years ago, used to be violent to him but not any more as I had couselling about my past. I know it's not his parents as I can lip read him and check the home phone with a redial to show it is not their number cos of my fault 2 years ago, he got the police to arrest me 4 or 5 times, the social services were involved. Now, they want us to seperate or they will take my kid away cos of emotional harm as we kept having rows sometimes violent from him. He stopped making love to me for last 2 weeks and he claimed that he's lost his sex drive for no reason. I know he does talk to these female friends online. He says he finds it easy to talk with hearing women and he finds me as hard work! I had to move out to stop the social services taking our kid away and I did sign the house over to him. He promised me he would take me back in few months till the social service back off. My parents are not happy and warned me that he will have a woman live with him and our kid. I will lose everything I own. I feel so messed up inside myself. I don't know if I am going or not. He says he does love me and wants a future with me and I do love him but I am finding it very hard to trust him. Should I try to trust him more? I feel very depressed and useless I just want to walk out away and never return home again, to start a new life cos it is my fault he was cheating on me, I push him away I blame myself for that. Even, I asked him to come clean and if he don't love me, then I know where I stand but he won't come clean and swore he wants me so much. All he wants is for me to change my ways. What do you think of that? Please I want the true advice cos I don't know where I can turn cos too many people are telling me different advice.
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female
reader, sappygirl  +, writes (16 February 2009):
 with all the info you've mention, it does look like your man is cheating on you. The problem is you have more control and power than you think. Because you love him so much you've given up all your power to him. So he knows he can do this because he is getting away with it.
Also, for you to have cops and social service come to your house, I have to say that you have a very volitile and dysfunctional relationship. It is not healthy for you nor your child.
The first thing I would do is gather your strength back. take back control of your life. are you financially able to take care of your child on your own?
Or are you help helpless financially and depend on him.
I know you love him, but because the person you need to love first is yourself.
He is disrespecting you and you are letting him get away with it. Men will never admit if they are cheating, but his actions prove it. I'm not saying to leave him, but can you stay with a man that doesn't love you anymore?
I mean, he probably loves you and your child and feel a responsiblity to provide, but its obvious he is not IN LOVE with you anymore. And please don't blame yourself.why do you say its your fault he cheated on you?
It takes two people and he is just as guilty. do not beat yourself down. You are not at fault, and just because you are deaf does not mean you aren't deserving of someone loving you and treating you right.
What is it that you want for yourself??Is this the man you want? A liar and a cheater. What kind of partner does not even add you to their facebook? He definitely is hiding something. is this the relationship you want?
what i'm trying to say, is you have more power and strength than you know. Decide what it is that you want.
are you truly happy with this man? if not, then do something to change your situation. It is hard making a change but sometimes that is what is required.
Just take care of yourself and your child first.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): I imagine he really does love you to stay with you through your drinking and behavioral problems like that. I would try every resource to bring evidence to him that he is cheating so that he must admit it to you and then depending on how you feel try to either work things out or leave. Remember you two have a kid together and you have to consider him in your decisions as well. But I would force him to come clean with some undeniable proof of his infidelity and if you can work things out. I'm sure he feels for you a great deal to go through the things with you that he has. think about that as well as your child and then decide whether to stay or to leave. Good luck.
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