A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was reunited with an old high school friend back in July. We hadn't spoken in ~10 years and we clicked almost instantly. She was living on the west coast (I'm on the east coast) and we would spend hours and hours on the phone, instant messaging, texting, etc. She decided to come out here to spend a couple of weeks and see if there was chemistry. WOW - was there chemistry. So much so that since she was trying to figure out where to move to next (had just graduated and didn't like the area she was in anymore) she decided to move out here to see if we had a chance at something spectacular. She didn't have any money so we decided she should stay with me (at this point we had been "together" for about 2.5 months) and obivously, we were well aware of the danger in moving too quickly, but she had her own room and we tried to make it as stress free as possible. When she made the decision to move out here, I could feel her pushing me away as a defense mechanism, as in "if I don't get too close, I can't get hurt". She recently just got enough $ together to move out on her own and we decided to break up. I have been frustrated for a couple of months because I'm ready to move forward in the relationship, but with her situation (no $, new area, no friends, new job) she wasn't in a place to do so. She continues to tell me that "I really think there's something here" but felt guilty that she was making me wait around for her to get her act together and get acclimated to living out here. She had guilt because she knows she wants to feel more emotionally connected, but can't (or rather, doesn't have the capacity right now) and then feels even worse because she dowsn't feel anything and around and around she goes. I was 100% on board with the break up, but now I'm really questioning it, and although I know I have to give it some time, is there anyway (once we start hanging out again) to fan the flames and get the emotional connection back? We have ALL of the elements of a relationship that could be fulfilling for both of us, but obviously living together so soon really suffocated the fire. I don't like the idea of "if it's meant to be, it will be" - I think you should work on something if you really want it. The fact is, this woman is THE one for me. Thoughts?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 March 2008):
 This is a tough one. You know you want to be with her, you're in the town you know well, have stability and roots there, and sound very comfortably settled. She, on the other hand, has uprooted herself, moved across the country, has housing, job, lack of friend woes, and she didn't want to rely on you for everything....
I think you still might have a chance to make the relationship work, but you need to be her friend for a while and give her space to figure out her place in her new world. Moving is very disorienting, I know that very well, and can just turn your universe upside down.
I am a bit worried that she might just have been using you as a launching pad for the move she made, so be sure to examine your motives and hers, and assess that honestly.
Other agony aunts here will probably groan at hearing me recommend this book again, but I do think it might help you, and her if you loan it to her, because it helps you look at the dynamics of your relationships... Here goes, 'A Fine Romance' by Judith Sills PhD, it was first published in the 80s, but it is the only relationship book I read back then, when I needed help with mine, that was worth anything.
So, back to what to do. Give her breathing room, and support at the same time, a tricky balancing act in this case. I wouldn't push to get back together, but I wouldn't give up hope altogether either. Please do read the book, I swear it will help you understand what's going on... Then when you've got your head around where you are and maybe understand her a bit better, THEN you can start 'fanning the flames'!
All the best.
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