A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey I really need some help. I'm gay and one of my best friends is bi. We had a mutual crush on eachother, he told me about his but I didn't tell him about mine because he had a girlfriend at the time and I didn't want to be a home wrecker. This went on for 2 years and his girlfriend finally dumped him and suggested to me he prefered me. I decided to wait before making a move and he has gone straight into another relationship with another girl but came to me and said he's not happy. I told him to make his mind up about what he wanted. I decided I had had enough of this and haven't spoken to him since. I have also had to stop seeing our social group because I don't want to know what is going on with him now and they always mention him. I just make excuses that I am too busy. The reason I'm writing this is because I miss our friendship as we were close and been there for each other and I miss our mutual friends .but I don't want to bump into him incase I end up crushing again. Thanks for reading, I just needed someone to talk to.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2014): Crushes can create complications between friends. One guy is usually looking for something meaningful and one guy only wants casual sex.
Under such circumstances there is awkwardness, and no real compromise. Friends with benefits ends up a lopsided deal. You'll have feelings for him, he'll keep running around with various women; and playing around in the closet. You don't have time for that; nor should you settle for such crap.
If you want to just remain friends without tension between you, keep sex out of it; and things will go on as usual.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, well a quick update on the situation. I have been back incontact with our mutual friends but we haven't been back out yet. I am starting to realise that everything was on his terms and I am not ready to talk to him again yet. Its a shame because I miss his company but I'm starting to let go of it now. We only did have one big arguement once about him taking liberties and I told him I wouldn't bother with him anymore and he suddenly stoped shouting and nearly burst into tears. He then spent two days appologising.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1  +, writes (9 January 2014):
 I have had a few crushes. Most end up in a sexual relationship then we date the we move on from there to be friends. I would suggest to dont look to date them just seek and conquer is best with the mind playing crush game types. I would still flirt as I usually to and go see your friends and dont worry about this crush just flirt back and keep it moving. If you cany have a relationship with him so what have on with other avaiable and ready and willing people its too many other people to flirt with and make out with and have serious relations with. I would definitely be around him to see this crush and anybody else I would want to see also dont let him keep you away from what you feel like doing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey,
I used to like that KD Lang song so i'll look it up again. I think you are right and I know I have been foolish to play this game. We went though this last year after he told me he liked me. I avoided him for a month so he told me he was worried I had walked away from him and that he cared about me.
Thing is, one minute he is really nice, always says hello to me. He has stood up for me a few times and I have for him. He has cried on my shoulder a couple of times. But on the other hand, he ignores some of my messages, he can be a bit blunt/rude at times suddenly, but then the next day he comes back and says sorry so I forgive him each time. He also seems to forget every time I have helped him out. I've never really known where I stood with him if I am honest. His best friend who is a girl told me recently she had the same
problems with him. I am going to make it up to the others right now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2014): We get frequent posts like yours. Gay men infatuated with best friends who don't reciprocate the feelings.
There is a phenomenon in the gay community; which is basically a mild form of narcissism. Some people get a certain amount of narcissistic supply out of knowing a close friend desires them; but they can't have them. They flirt, make heavy sexual advances, declare they have mutual feelings; but they always stay out of reach.
It's a tease. It strokes their ego, and it boosts their self-esteem; to know they have a fan or secret admirer.
They like being admired and placed up on a pedestal; but never allow circumstances to change to lose this position of power. They do subtle things to get you going. Creating a false hope that what you're craving for, could happen at any moment. There is a song by lesbian performer K.D. Lang; called "Constant Cravings!" Listen to it, and see what I mean.
They're already getting exactly what they need.
Your admiration and lust for them. Ego-boosts.
They feel flattered and idolized. They notice the glances, your unrequited yearning. They feed on it. He already knows you have the hots for him; because you told him so.
I'm not making him out to be a bad guy. Just opening your eyes to the game he's playing with you.
You have empowered him to manipulate you. He has no intention of being your boyfriend; but he will be your idol as long as you're willing to worship. He knows at some point temptation will overwhelm you. He knows why you're hiding.
Get your silly schoolgirl crush under control.
Re-connect with your mutual friends. They are not just "his friends." They are your friends too. Make it up to them. They haven't done anything wrong.
Re-establish your friendship with him under new guidelines. Don't avoid him. That's what weaklings do. Run from their problems, and submit to defeat.
Keep your distance and avoid intimate contact beyond normal hugs and kisses. You can still be affectionate; as long as you remain within comfortable limits.
Minimize exchanging flirtations, until you can accept it without becoming sexually aroused. Set boundaries. Don't be submissive to groping. It's usually how players seduce, and push people into sexual submissiveness.
He'll target your sensitive areas to begin his teasing game. Tell him that you're uncomfortable with that behavior, and ask that he stop. Tame yourself to mean it.
He'll play the aggressor, and throw you crumbs to keep you dangling on his little string. This is how you cut that string. The so-called crush he claims, is no more than player bullsh*t. So reclaim your power; but maintain your close friendship, without the sexual tension. That's what started the problem for you, hoping to have sex at some point. Maybe have a committed relationship.
Don't let him relegate you to nothing more than his guy on the side; while he hides in the closet. Let him have his beards. Don't get caught-up in that drama.
You shouldn't let guys toy with your feelings. You have to develop immunity to that. He's already toying with the affections of females. My guess is, the new girl doesn't know he's bisexual. Even if she does, he is likely to cheat on her given the opportunity. He tried during his first relationship. His girlfriend offering him up to you was meant in sarcasm, by the way.
When he told you he had a crush, he meant he wanted to be friends with benefits. I don't think he will ever want to become your boyfriend. Don't set your hopes on it.
We learn to manage our crushes by adulthood.
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