A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I recently had my 24 y/o bday a few months ago (I’m female). I have been feeling a bit down off/on since (realization I’m nearly 25) and not anywhere I expected to be. I’m just now finishing an Associates. Due to cultural reasons, my family still dictates a lot of my life (I do live in US). Culturally, unless married you’re family pretty much still dominates a lot of aspects (I can drive in town/locally, but say if I wanted to visit family that’s an hour or 2 a way, that’s impossible. If it’s the weekend and maybe I want to drive to the nearest city or browse (45 mins away) – I’m not able to do that by myself. Due to the driving constraints I have never driven in traffic so even if I could go w/o making trouble..how can I? I don’t know how.). My culture does do arranged marriages (however they do marry young, 16-18). So most of my culture does not have to deal with this at nearly 25 (as most would already have been married, children, and several years living out of family’s home).In my culture, you’re not allowed to have jobs that are not family owned or self-employed, etc. So I have never had a regular job. You don’t socialize with people not of the culture, so I have no outside friends (which is OK, this is not the complaint, I’m just trying to explain how the culture affects all aspects. In reality, there’s such a cultural difference I can’t say I really get along with “American” women minus chit-chat as there’s nothing in common). My mother feels she’s lenient as she allowed me the opportunity to go to college. In my culture, they pull the children out of schools by 5th or 6th grade, sometimes younger (as long as they know basics). They did the same to me, however at around 18 I fought to go to college and did the GED route and went to CC. To be fair, my grandparents were always sick – we’d constantly drive 90 mins one way and sometimes live there for months. The main reason they kept me/my bro out is b/c we’d be missing too many days and the school would threaten, etc. When I got older, early/mid teens, I was the one that stayed to take care of my grandparents.I don’t know what is it I want anymore. Is it about independence? Is it about my education? I’ve always wanted to do be a dentist. However, I still need another 2-3 years to obtain a bachelors (I can’t take more than 12 creds a semester and I only have 65/120 creds). I’ve told my mother whether it’s against cultural rules or not I will probably have no choice but to transfer to another college (the 4 year college that’s close-by is extremely competitive to get into, virtually everyone in my state wants to go here). However, I don’t think I’ll get accepted – I’ll apply but I don’t know realistically if I’ll get in and wanted to apply to a few backup colleges. She is adamant that no one of my culture goes to university (which is true) and due to being such a rare minority and my upbringing, I’ll get in if I write a good essay. If I do get into the one nearby there goes another 2-3 years, still living at home. My grades aren’t that great so it’s crossing my fingers after hoping I get into gradschool and if not then I need to get into a masters program then reapply to grad = more years. I thought about another option: Dental Hygiene. I’ve already seen the director of the program. I’ve told her about my background. I talked about the passion I have for teeth. She was really interested, etc. We talked for like an hour. I went in person because I really wanted an upfront answer of getting in or not. She said I had a really good chance, however she was a very “happy” type of person – I don’t know if she was just being nice. She did push me to take an app and encouraged me multiple times to apply before I left. I researched the career, etc. Some say it’s great, some say it’s not as far as finding jobs (despite being top growing jobs). I’ve contacted the Hygiene Associations, in different parts of my state – it’s literally 50/50 on the responses I get regarding job outlook.My mother is not doing any of this to be evil. I don’t pay one bill here unless it’s my own (my own stuff I want to buy or my phone, etc). It’s not like American parents that once you turn 18, you have to buy your own food, rent if you live here, etc. In reality, she is good to me. She says as long as I live here that I don’t understand how much better I am well-off, no worries about shelter/food, etc. My culture is always obsessed about people killing single women, etc – so she brings that up as well. All the usual parent stuffI don’t know why I feel so unhappy living at home? My mother was gone (my uncle was sick) for around 6-7 months. So it was just my/bro/cousin living here. I lost 30 pounds. I felt good, positive, etc. I didn’t feel depressed like I did. For years, I always go into these in and out bouts of feeling depressed – which is why my assoc is like taking forever as I’ll drop classes, etc. My mother comes back and the same amount of time it took to lose the weight, I gained it back plus a few pounds more. I feel that is really a signal telling me, that something is wrong here. That’s not really normal. I’ve tried tellig her this and it’s oblivious. I’m not even going to get into the dating aspect of my life. Nearly, 25 and I have never been on date (another cultural issue – no dating outside culture) – which is the least of my concern however I kinda figured I’d be almost done with schooling by now and honestly, I always had plans to be married (w/ someone not in my culture) by mid-late 20’s. I don’t’ see that happening now as more time needs to be put on my career. Do I shut my mouth and thank the stars that I have no concerns of the things my mother says and just focus on going to school for dentistry, work through a bachelors, masters, while living at home – whatever it takes despite it meaning I might be 30-35? In other cultures, not just my own – it’s actually common for the unmarried “children” to live at home.In reality, if I had a bit more "freedom" I don't think I'd get so mind f'd over this. Or take a shot at the Hygiene thing, be working in 3 years…probably live on my own but still have to put myself through school for my bachelors so I can continue with my long-term goal of dentist.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for taking time to read my book =)
I was having a really bad day when I posted. I'm feeling better today. It's like a roller coaster sometimes, some days better than others.
Starting the gym back again today, and trying to just stay on target w/ my classes.
You're right, I need to just do what I need for my classes and make changes on what I can, etc.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 October 2011):
 Reach for your goals. Only you can make yourself happy therefore take control over your life and do what you want to do. I don't blame you for feeling depressed about still living at home when you are nearly 25. This is going to cause you to get down in the dumps. Off course it is true to say that your mother is taking good care of you and not taking any money of you. But still if you want to live your own life well then you will need to take responsibility for yourself and learn to live from your own income and get a place of yourself. Yes it is a huge step but if you want independence well then this is what you must do. Go to university and get the degree that you want. No matter how long it takes at least you have a goal in life therefore reach for it. Plus who knows who you might meet at university. Good luck.
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