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female
age
51-59,
*harming Sunset
writes:I have 3 children who are now young adults and 2 of them have fallen out with their eldest sibling. I have tried for almost a year now to get them to talk and they’re all willing to talk to each other as long as the other party says sorry first. None of them will do that as they blame the other person and feel that they shouldn’t be the one to say sorry. I really need this to end.. I love my 3 children and this is killing me and I went through this for 32 years with my own brother who fell out with me when we were kids. Only difference is that I did keeps saying sorry even though I believed he was to blame as I’m not stubborn but unfortunately all my kids are. And now my brother passed away and I have to live the rest of my life knowing we can never fix it, I don’t want my children to be in the same situation I am in. It also affects the whole family but they’re not getting that. What do I do? My mother didn’t intervene and the outcome was my brother and I never spoke. But I’m not willing to accept my children never speaking to each other again and I know it’s still early days but I don’t want to leave it and then it’s too late. Reply to this Question
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reader, Charming Sunset +, writes (29 May 2018):
Charming Sunset is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your help x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2018): Maybe it is you who has to accept that you could not change the story of your relationship with your brother, nor can you change your children's relationships.Learn to let other's have their own way of dealing with things, let them make their own mistakes and learn from their mistakes. Your trying to make short cuts in their life lessons, years and years get wasted between many family members, sad but it's choices we make.If they are not loving enough inside, then it's too soon to show them the way out...let them find it.The word Sorry is not the real key.The less interest and concern YOU show in front of your children may actually help the situation, the more you stress the pain it causes you the more it feeds it and magnifies it.Arrange events and let them all know you don't want to listen anymore about this feud, or discuss anything about the past and tell them it is their choice and theirs alone, but you will no longer be apart of it and don't intend to FIX IT.You say you have to live with the fact that could not fix it with your brother, after 32 years.You had nothing to fix, somebody chose to withhold love for 32 years, that is a choice, or an undiagnosed illness that was never understood. Deathbed sorry's are too late and pointless in my eyes,Choice is in the here and now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2018): They're adults now. It's up to them, if they want their family-relationship to end sadly. I think pushing them on each other when they're adults won't help much.
As you've indicated; your brother acted-out in-front of the children; so they were set an example of how being stubborn can be emotionally effective in upsetting someone you're angry with. As previously mentioned, they got it from somewhere.
All those years they watched you two; and it unfortunately, must have left an impression on your children. He must have suffered some sort of mental-disorder; to be so angry and violent towards you, for no reason. No one with a rational mind holds a grudge that long with such contempt.
I'm so sorry about you and your brother. Family is very important to me. I just lost my sister four weeks ago. She fought lupus; but her body was too weak to handle it. She was only 42, and her youngest daughter just turned 16! I'm close to the kids; so I pray they will understand the importance of forgiveness, and let love override our human-tendencies to begrudge those with whom we disagree. We all have a certain amount of stubbornness, it comes naturally; but it takes a lot of effort to keep it in-check.
You have a good type of stubbornness. You never stopped trying to fix your relationship with your brother. In spite of his extreme cruelty towards you.
Let the kids work it out. There was something more drastic going on in your brother's mind. He had a tortured soul; and no amount of apologies can fix someone needing professional attention who never sought help. Hopefully, that's not the depth of disagreement and anger your kids are going through.
Don't relive your horrors of the past. It's not the same thing.
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female
reader, Charming Sunset +, writes (22 May 2018):
Charming Sunset is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseOwlE, I tried for the first 20 years to fix things with my brother, every time I approached him he shut me down. When I got married I sent him an invitation and he threw it away. He never once spoke to my children apart to swear at them if they tried to speak to him. I even asked my husband to become friends with him in hope that would also reunite my brother and I but instead my brother was telling my husband to leave me, so in the end my husband stopped talking to him too. I begged and pleaded for years. You have no idea. I was never stubborn. The guy threw me down the stairs and had a knife to my throat and I was still trying to fix it. So you’re very wrong. I also always told my kids to never fall out because we’re blood and did my best to show them my brother is wrong but yet somehow now they doing the same thing. My mum never cared and didn’t even try to sort things out between me and my brother and I fact there were lots of times I’d beg her for help and I’d cry and her answer would be “but he doesn’t want to speak to you” if you knew me you’d know I always say sorry whether I’m at fault or not to everybody because I hate coldness and family and friends mean everything to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2018): If you set an example; your kids will follow. They copy what they see, and they don't listen when they see hypocrisy. They were aware of how you and your brother dealt with disagreement; and now your past has been passed-down to your children. Along with your family-tradition for stubbornness.
They don't just watch you, they watch others too!
If they never get a lecture about being good to each other, or given constant lessons in forgiveness; they will be challenged in that area. It has to be reinforced and retaught over and over, until it sticks. People naturally prefer to punish those we disagree with. You have to be taught to do otherwise.
They got their stubbornness from somewhere. You said you aren't; but if 32 years past, and no one could ever reach middle-ground, you were both pretty stubborn.
All you can do is cite the example between you and your brother. You can try and broker a peace treaty; but they have to workout their issues on their own terms. As I said, kids practice what they see. You think they don't notice these things; but they know how you settle disagreements with your own parents, your siblings, and your spouse.
They will carry-on all family-traditions into the next generation. Including negative ones. Once they are adults, you can only offer your wisdom; but they're going to do what they please. They're no longer children and they will not listen.
Hope and pray for the best.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 May 2018):
 I think you should call them all to meet at your home and sit them down. Explain to them how it has made you feel loosing your brother and how short life is. Then leave it up to them as they are all adults as you said. You can then leave them to decide what they feel is best for them and you can at least tell yourself you done as much as you could to help them.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (21 May 2018):
 Unfortunately, you can not put a "let's-all-get-along-shirt" on your kids and hey presto!, they will be talking to each other again.
What you CAN do, is WRITE them each a letter where you express the loss you still feel to this day by NOT having your brother in your life and the nagging regret that you two didn't make up. That you how for THEIR sakes they don't repeat THAT mistake themselves with their siblings.
One or two of them MIGHT have a REAL good reason to cut the other one off. It does happen that some people are TOXIC and maybe as a mother you don't see or sense that in your own "kids".
And reality is, THEY have to live life as THEY chose. They will be responsible for THEIR choices and actions. Does it suck for you being caught in the middle? YES. Does it mean you have to find other ways to spend time with them all? Probably.
But they are GROWN now. They WILL make their own choices.
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