A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Wife goes out on girls night with her divorced friend. I'm fine with this, however ever since a Halloween party, she wears her tight black spandex pants and low cut leotard she bought; she went as bad Sandy and couldn't stop talking about all the attention she got from the men. I've talked to her about my feelings but she says she's just trying to help her friend attract men. I know her friend is important to her but flirting and teasing men at a hotel bar is dangerous. She insists its harmless and seems to be thriving on the attention. Is there a different approach to getting my concerns across to her
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2022): Tug on her leash a little just to show her you care. She sounds adventitious. She's not sleeping around. I like what she doing for her girls. On vacation I went on a double date so my single girlfriend would have a date with this heartthrob we met. My husband gave me a permission slip. Like your wife I was just there for conversation.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2021): Flirting is NEVER harmless.
You can have fun and be funny without flirting.
People who are not single and flirt always look for some rational justification - there is none. They like the attention and some of them, if given an oportunity would move to the next step.
But as a woman, I know that attracting attention of men, teasing them, flirting could be dangerous. Some men need far less than that to feel entitled to something or provoked.
You cannot anticipate the best way to approach this, because no matter what you do she will feel "under attack". But obviously some ways are better than others. She knows that what she's doing is wrong. But she enjoys it. I have no idea why she's doing it. Is she trying to prove to you that other men still want her? Do you spend time with her? Does she feel wanted? I find it weird that she needs to share this with you, as if she wants you to feel jealous, hurt…
I wouldn't make this personal. I wouldn't talk about her, but about certain behaviors that are hurtful and/or disrespectful.
One of my close friends likes to feel wanted, so she strings along men she doesn't want and heavily flirts with those she's interested in (well off, good for marriage types, almost all married). Do I need to tell you that she's chronically single, that the men see through her "game". But, that doesn't mean that those she's really interested in don't use her. She thinks that she's in control, but she's not. In the end, her stories are empty. And she feels empty and depressed. It was maybe more fun when we were in our twenties, but after 30 it's just sad. I’m not saying that women are not free to “enjoy life”, but we age differently. It’s a fact. And sometimes, some men can (ab)use this.
The attention is like a drug. It’s very hard to get off it.
Talk to her and listen to what she says… maybe you’ll find that the situation is better than what you have anticipated.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2021): No..its not innocent. I really dont think tthat a married woman or a man should be going to bars without their spouses. Dinner is a different story..but not drinking night place. We all know what happens when people drink. Guys go out to just pick up girls for one night stand..its a well known fact.
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A
male
reader, GregoFranco +, writes (20 December 2021):
I'm a grown man and I say she needs to respect you and the relationship. If the tables were turned and you were going out with your newly single best friend looking for younger women together "for him", I believe you can answer with confidence she wouldn't like it. She wouldn't appreciate it. She would make a big deal out of it and at least ask you to stop.
With that in mind, you asking her to stop and telling her how it makes you feel isn't unreasonable. If anything, it's something she would appreciate under normal circumstances but since she's acting out she feels different about it.
My advice is for you to get out to the gym. Start working out and meeting people. They don't have to be women, just people, and have your own life and be happy. It shouldn't take long before she begins to wonder wtf is going on with you. Keep having sex with her and all that but keep focusing on yourself. The last thing you want to do is be the only one working on keeping a strong relationship. Don't bang anyone else. Just keep up your own social life. Go to art shows, car shows, whatever you're into and focus on your physical appearance. One weekend she'll be the one staying at home and you make sure to take that opportunity to go out without her.
If she ever tries to invite herself along one of your nights out, do not allow it. Don't let her control anything. Tell her there's no space, it's by reservation only or just no because that's your time with your friends. Pretty much what she's doing to you right now. Sometimes these women pretend to not understand when a man communicates their feelings to them so we have to put them in the same situation.
There's a conversation that will eventually come up where she tells you some guy banged her but she was drunk and it'll never happen again. Don't be a sucker.
Reasoning with an unreasonable woman will lead to her telling you you're controlling and abusive. The way you deal with those types is to shovel all their trash right back to them.
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A
male
reader, GregoFranco +, writes (20 December 2021):
I'm a grown man and I say she needs to respect you and the relationship. If the tables were turned and you were going out with your newly single best friend looking for younger women together "for him", I believe you can answer with confidence she wouldn't like it. She wouldn't appreciate it. She would make a big deal out of it and at least ask you to stop.
With that in mind, you asking her to stop and telling her how it makes you feel isn't unreasonable. If anything, it's something she would appreciate under normal circumstances but since she's acting out she feels different about it.
My advice is for you to get out to the gym. Start working out and meeting people. They don't have to be women, just people, and have your own life and be happy. It shouldn't take long before she begins to wonder wtf is going on with you. Keep having sex with her and all that but keep focusing on yourself. The last thing you want to do is be the only one working on keeping a strong relationship. Don't bang anyone else. Just keep up your own social life. Go to art shows, car shows, whatever you're into and focus on your physical appearance. One weekend she'll be the one staying at home and you make sure to take that opportunity to go out without her.
If she ever tries to invite herself along one of your nights out, do not allow it. Don't let her control anything. Tell her there's no space, it's by reservation only or just no because that's your time with your friends. Pretty much what she's doing to you right now. Sometimes these women pretend to not understand when a man communicates their feelings to them so we have to put them in the same situation.
There's a conversation that will eventually come up where she tells you some guy banged her but she was drunk and it'll never happen again. Don't be a sucker.
Reasoning with an unreasonable woman will lead to her telling you you're controlling and abusive. The way you deal with those types is to shovel all their trash right back to them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2021): The honest and direct approach is always the best way to communicate with your partner. If you call yourself laying-down the law, and demanding she stop doing something; you will spark a sense of rebellion, and give her something to prove. That being, you're not the boss of her! As you know, people these days don't care for "mandates," or taking orders from people. Unfortunately; they don't respect authority, or the rights of others, either.
It seems she feels she isn't sexy anymore, maybe because you don't offer her much encouragement; or give her many, or any, spontaneous compliments. Too often we get complacent and too comfortable, we forget the needs of our partners. They need attention, affection, and romance. They need playful teasing, and little words of encouragement that sends them a message of love; and reminds them your attraction for them is still there. And yes, there is that human-weakness we call vanity or conceit. If she gets a surge of dopamine and adrenalin when the guys give her stares; although it's inappropriate, sometimes it just makes you feel good to know you've still got-it!
Could she be waiting for your feedback about her sexiness? Is it long overdue, or just nonexistent? There's two-sides to every story. We get only yours.
Why do you think she insists on doing it?
If you are a connoisseur of porn; then it's flat-out retaliation. If you've had an affair in the past, stare at other women, she spies on your search history, or you take shots at her self-esteem during arguments. This is your payback!
Sometimes we subconsciously like to spark lustful reactions and seek flirtations from strangers. It's a naughty little ego-booster; but it's not really permissible once we exchange vows to stop, by forsaking all others. I think she's gotten a big-head from that male-attention; but it still may be a sign of the fear of aging, and responding to feelings of neglect.
Complacency and taking people for granted is a relationship killer...and that includes insecurities.
Ever ask her to discuss with you how she feels about the marriage? Ask her pointblank, if she feels you give her enough attention, and if she feels satisfied in the bedroom? Are you man enough to ask, and strong enough to listen to her answers? Or like so many, you won't go there; because you don't want to open that can of worms? Well, your wife is seeking attention from men other than yourself. If you want to know why? You better ask! She thinks it's harmless? If it upsets you, her husband, it isn't!!! I don't recommend tit-for-tat; but if she wants to sit through some marriage-counseling sessions, that's one ultimatum!!! If it hasn't reached that point, just dangle the prospect.
If your wifey was bitten by the "hoochy-bug," remind her that she's still a dignified married-lady; but that could change, if she doesn't behave herself. You could follow that up with some flowers, and chit-chat about each-other's needs that require more attention. Otherwise, start doing some research on marriage-counselors; because you are at an impasse about flirting, and you need to get to the deep-seated reasoning behind the need for it. Flirting usually leads to cheating, and she knows that.
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