A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've known my wife for several years, and we got married a few months ago.She has had a tough situation at work for the past 2 years or so, and she gets very angry and upset about it. I listen to her talk about her situation at work frequently, but I often don't say a whole lot because I don't know what she can do about it other than find a different job, and I've told her this. I've helped her with her resume, cover letters, on-line job applications, etc., but she says I'm not being proactive enough in helping her. She says I'm not willing to take a bullet for her. I've asked her what it is she's expecting me to do, and all she says is that I'm not supportive enough, that I don't really care about her, that I'm not proactive enough, etc.I help out around the house (e.g. last week I went around and emptied the trash in all our bathrooms (5)and cleaned all the toilets and sinks), I took an afternoon off last week so I could go to one of her doctor's appointments, I tell her quite often that I appreciate her and the things she does.But, she says she pretty much lives on her own, that we're just roomates, and that she is going to find someone who is "emotionally caring, loving and supportive". She also says she is going to find someone else who will help her and support her more, that I'm not a giving or generous person, etc.I am a relatively independent person, and I don't expect my wife to make me happy. I don't tell her what to spend her money, that she has to work, etc. She is not very affectionate or caring towards me, but I knew that about her before I got married to her and I figured I could live with it.From my perspective it seems as if she's unhappy with her life (work, especially), and she thinks it is now my responsiblity to make all her problems go away. I realize there is a balance of sorts between getting comfort and support from your spouse vs putting the responsibility for your own happiness on your spouse, but it seems like my wife is trying to shift all her responsibilities for her life onto me.For what it's worth, I cover all of our living expenses and give her a significant amount of $ every month on top of that. I've told her she doesn't have to work, and that I'd support her if she wants to go back to school so she can get a different job.She had a very minor problem with her resume the other day and I didn't help her with it. On her resume she claims to have computer skills, but she said she couldn't fix this very minor problem on her own resume. To me, it appears that she actually could fix it, but she just down't want to take the time to learn how. I've spent hours typing up her resume, filing out on line forms, etc., while she watches TV. I'm certain that she is at least capable of typing if she wants to.Should I be doing more to help her get a different job? It seems to me she has to take some responsibility for her own situation.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2011): Thanks RedAthena, that was useful insight. I hadn't thought about the fact that I might be helping her to be codependant.
She does tend to complain a lot about how hard her life is, and then talk about herself as if she's a big hero for overcoming everything. I've suggested to her at times that life is hard for everyone, but she gets angry and says I don't care about her, etc. I hate to say it, but she comes off as being a big baby at times.
I guess I have to stop biting on the big baby bait.
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (3 October 2011):
 You have approached her and asked her directly what she needs, so you can examine if you can provide that.
Seems to me, you have gone above and beyond with making life easier on her, offering help, etc. But this is out of your expertise.
You are not a mind reader. If she can not name it-then it does not exist. No, you should not be doing more to get her a new job. She is a grown up. She needs to own her own actions and accountability. You are not her Parent, showing her how to live life and meet those life demands.
If she is saying "I will find myself someone more supportive"..that is a red flag she is unhappy with her life and needing someone to blame.
I would suggest counseling as a couple and individually to help her figure out what really is missing.
For now, step BACK on your help. You might actually be fostering her to be more codependant than you think.
Take a bullet for her? Who is holding the gun?
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (3 October 2011):
If she wants a new job, she should be working on her resume herself.
It seems like she is taking you for granted. What on earth is she spending so much money on if you are paying for household expenses, giving her cash, and she is working? Could she possibly have a vice (drugs, gambling, shopping, etc.) that is influencing her attitude?
If I were you, I would be concerned she is considering divorce. You may want to try marriage counseling and see if you can encourage an open dialog with her that way. I have a feeling what you say and what she hears are two different things. While your communication style seem to be very straight forward, your wife's is not.
Finally, what else, other than give your wife cash, help with her resume, and clean your five(?!) bathrooms have you done recently to truly show her that you love her? Have you surprised her with flowers, a romantic evening, given her a massage or shown her some kind of affection? if not, you might as well be room mates.
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