A
male
age
51-59,
*ikejb73
writes:Hi there Help needed!!!....3 weeks ago me and my wife split up which was very hard to get my head around...we have been married for nearly 5 years and have 2 beautiful girls. Our realtionship has never been brilliant due to my wife's paranonia and depression, I have tried to be there for her but we have on a few occasions split up and then got back together (not very good for the children thou!).We split up about 2 months ago and i stayed a friends for 4 days we then spoke and made another go at it, i thought things were going well as she also said that too but whilst i was in work 3 weeks ago she phoned me up to tell me that she didnt want me anymore which devastsed me i kept asking her why? and started looking for a place to live as that is what she wanted, i now have a flat in which i have had to spend alot of money depoist,furniture etc she has now asked me to get back together!! i dont know what to make of this and can not understand her i kept saying to her before i left are you sure you want this and the answer was yes. I dont know whether her bad upbringing had much to do with how she feels she treats me like dirt has no bond with the children and after i finish work mostly goes to bed... i have been to the doctors with her and told the doctors about the possibilty of her having counselling as i belive that medication is not the way forward ( they keep putting her dose up). i do love her but i am so frightned about going back as i feel that this is always happening and dont want to be in this posistion anymore and its not fair on the children to see daddy coming back home then going again.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (25 June 2008):
 Best of luck Mike!
A
male
reader, mikejb73 +, writes (25 June 2008):
mikejb73 is verified as being by the original poster of the question thanks guys for your help....i have a 6 month lease on this flat and feel worried if i gave it up i may be in the same situation in a few months time!! i have told her that i am here for her but i do belive that counselling is her best bet...regarding her upbringing her mother used to beat her up and was married 4 times so maybe because she has been and seen so much she may think that this is the way you treat a husband...many thanks again!!
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (25 June 2008):
 If she has no interest in the children and keeps pushing you away then she desperately needs more help to treat the depression as whatever she is taking isnt helping. I would suggest counselling and just be there to offer whatever support you can.
The rest has to be up to you, you can choose to go and not put up with all this or you can choose to just do whatever she needs you to do until this is sorted out. It may be that once she is getting the correct help she may realise what she has nearly thrown away and will make a real effort to put this marriage back on track.
In the meantime could you put it to her that you want to stay in the marital home until you feel she is better or at least on the right path, even it means sleeping on the floor or a separate room or the settee for now as I feel you are better off being there at present.
She is very lucky that you obviously care for her and love her but it isnt fair for this to continue indefinately. I wish you both luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): You have a flat of your own now, stay there for a little while. It doesn't have to be long, but you need to give her some space to think about her actions. Tell her you will go to counseling with her where you can get to the root of the problem.
We don't have enough information here to tell you her motives...what do you fight about? Is there something you are fighting about repetitively? Ask her to take this time to reflect on how she feels when this happens and can she identify when it starts...it probably starts days before she actually blows up. Only she can provide you these answers.
Lastly, when she speaks her truth, don't say a thing. Try as hard as you can not to correct her if you think she is seeing things wrongly. Do not interupt, take notes if you have to. She is able to tell you what's going on in her head if you give her uninterrupted speaking time....10 minutes minimum, and I mean uninterrupted! Set up an appointment with her to have this talk at a restaurant or park where it can't get heated and loud.
You need time to talk as well, but it is important that each of you talk until you are done talking, without being interrupted. Just because there is a moment of silence does not mean you jump in and take over. If you think she is done, ask her, are you done, can I take my turn now? You get the picture......best of luck to you and keep us informed :-)
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 June 2008):
I agree, bouncing back and forth like ball isn't doing anybody any good especially your girls. Stay put at your flat and see if you can get your wife into some counseling. Just tell her you want her to get better first then you guys can work on your marriage. Good luck.
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