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writes: My wife recently discovered an archive of pornographic pictures on my computer - the directory was accidentally opened when I was logged in. Initially she said she was fine and not mad at me at all about it and asked to see the whole directory. She promised she wouldn't be angry about it so I showed her the directory. The images are all fairly 'normal' - nothing nasty or illegal, just naked women in explicit positions, some lesbian images and some male-female sex images. There were a lot of images which I have collected over the years.A day later, it has really got her upset and I am having trouble knowing how to deal with it. Now she feels it could threaten our whole relationship. She says that she thinks I am thinking of these images every time we have sex and feels like I don't see her as sexy or hot anymore. She says her whole perception of who I am has changed.What annoys me is that I never really viewed the images, I just collected them off websites every now and then and hardly ever referred to them. I probably view porn websites a couple of times a week. Without discounting her feelings - I don't feel I have done anything terribly unusual or wrong. But do recognise and have said if she is uncomfortable with it I will stop viewing the websites and get rid of the images. In the past she often asks me if I find this or that women sexy, and has even asked me to show her porn images in the past (although that was several years ago).I can't get her to understand that the images don't affect how I see her as the sexy beautiful person she is (she is stunning) and I honestly never think of them when having sex with her - I have no reason to - our sex life is very enjoyable. My wife is not a prude and is always open to new things. We are both young (in my eyes), early 30s and mid 20s.It seems she really believes that I find the images more attractive than her - which is completely not true and I have told her as much. How do I communicate to her that I never think of them during sex?To me there is 3 parts to sex, the physical attraction and sensations, the intimacy and the love. With the last 2 being the most important. It hurts that she is discounting our existing relationship, our intimacy and strong bond of love for something so superfical and not true (I don't find the images more attractive than her anyway).I like many other guys, just enjoy looking at porn occasionally.I love my wife 100% and she is the world to me - I would do anything for her including not viewing porn again. I don't want this to serious impact on our relationship.What am I missing here? What do I need to do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2007): You should have let your wife know before getting married that you enjoy porn. Any women who does like porn is not worth getting married to. Let's be real, you're not going to be solving calculus equations on friday nights, you'll be making love, and if the sex is bad your life will be dull. You should either try to change your partner's view, and if that is not a possibility you should leave her. If you have kids and can't leave her, find yourself a mistress because life does not revolve around a wife's backwards philosophy.
Happy married man
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007): Why cant you just be satisfied with the real thing right in front of you..Even just a little every week is far too much.Show your wife the respect she deserves,stop with the porn.If you cant do that,check yourself into a psychiatrist,tell them just what you prefer looking at.Why not advertise it to the town that you live in.If you see nothing wrong with it,watch what others reactions will be.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2007): I am married and have collected a small selection of images over the past 10 years. My wife has seen them and i cant say that she liked them or approved but oh well. i dont veiw them all the time, maybe i flip thru them once a week if that much. I love my wife also and they are no in no way any sort of substitute for her. Sure i think the women in my album are sexy but that doesnt mean i masterbate or think less of my wife because of them. And as for the lady that is still hurt by her husbands collection.. You might think he is wrong for having some naked pictures of basically fake airbrushed women a crime but i think withholding yourself is more of a crime than he committed. anyways keep up the album you had those pictures im sure before you ever got married, so she married you and your porn just dont spend hours a day looking for new porn and you are alright in my book.
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female
reader, peach +, writes (5 July 2006):
I am a woman, and i like porn. my boyfriend will go out and buy it for us, and we often sit together and watch it. But i the past i have to admit i wasnt as open minded, i think it was the fact that it was somethin he was doing behind my back and the fact that he used to hide it made me feel excluded from the relationship with him and his porn.
I think if you can be open with you partner and not just pull out some of your golden oldies but actually suggest it, and if she is intrested browse online stores together, or visit a sex shop together and involve her in the experience.
The majority of the time, men dont watch it to get of on the girls, they watch it to learn some good techniques, or to see somethin wild or just dirty, stuff that sometimes wives or girlfriens wont let them do. and sometimes its the freak element the fact that they have never seen or even imagined anything as extreme as what they are doing.
Its not such a big deal. I mean if your man is dedicating all of his time and energy to porn and is neglecting you i would believe your partner has a few issues, that need to be delt with.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2006): Sorry, but I am a woman who has been through exactly what your wife is going through........
One question I had for my husband is
1) If you dont view these women as more attractive than me why would you even bother after all you see my body all the time
2) Dont you have one once of respect for women???
3) If you think the women are nothing compared to me (like you say) then howcome the women your checking out are at least 10 years younger than me and show no normal signs of aging or of ever having had kids ( I have 4 and have the stretch matrks to prove it)
4) Why you you invest one minute of the time you could be spending doing something else on supporting such a vile industry...
Like your wife Im no prude either......but this is just pathetic (sorry, as you can probably tell Im still hurt by my husbands actions.
One year later (after finding his crap) I refuse to let him see my body....after all if he loves it sooooooooo much then it would have beeen my pics he saved.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (13 June 2006):
 It sounds like you're handling it well, which is great!
I did state my case rather strongly and yes not all those effects happen to everyone, and they happen to a greater or lesser extent in different situations. I didn't mean to be coming across as accusing you or saying you will have necessarily experienced all those things.
The kind of porn people look at makes a difference too, the relatively tame stuff has a lesser effect. It also seems that age makes a big difference: the younger someone is when they experience porn the more it can effect their sexual 'script's and their general outlook on sex.
And of course, psychology is anything but an exact science, and I or anyone else can always be wrong!
Anyway, I hope it works out for you, it sounds very much like it is already.
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reader, lost_trust +, writes (13 June 2006):
lost_trust is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou to all who have responded. I think someone of the responses were definately helpful to my situation and some were a little over the top. A special thanks to Smiler+ whose post really helped.As an update: I asked my wife to delete the files herself, which she now has done. We have gotten over the situation and are moving on. It feels so good to have her love back. Two makeup love sessions last night seems to show we have our trust back.In response to Yos - I agree with most of what you said but disagree (at least in my case) that most men take what they see in porn images back into the bedroom with their partners. My sex 'script' has never been influenced by porn. Maybe I am an exception to the rule - but I don't think so. I am fairly conservative sex wise and its usually my wife who pushes for changes :-) I also don't believe porn desensitised me - my wife could always turn me on in an instant. Nor do I believe it had any impact on my view of sex or attitude to women. Of course you will say thats what all men say and isn't the case... but I am an extremely sensitive guy (way way to much so - it is a problem for me) and very aware of my feelings and how others are feeling.In response to Irish49 - I never said I was reluctant to get rid of the images. If you read my message it was I who suggested to my wife to get rid of them. My wife never asked me not to view porn, she has in fact in the past encourgaged it and asked to view it with me.I guess what I was struggling with was why the change in what was acceptable and also how much it hurt her. Also due to my sensitive nature and my wive's normal way of dealing with these things (she tends to get very angry and throw things around) it was hurting a lot. It really hurts me when I think I have hurt her.I won't be collecting any porn images again and will do my best to resist the temptation of viewing them online.Thanks again for the replies.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2006): You state that 'you don't view these porn images, anways" so.....why not just get rid of them? I mean you and your wife could keep this ongoing and hang onto this needless dysfunction and bullcrap just to prove a point, but is it really, really worth it? I mean really think about it? You love her, she loves you-look what you can lose over insisting that you should retain some 'forgotten porn images'that mean absolutely nothing to you. All that is coming from this, is resentment and bitterness. Marriage is compromise and and meeting halfway. It's a time to focus in on the pain and the deep hurt of what you're doing to your wife. When someone you dearly love, expresses pain and hurt at a specific behavior, well, you have to make the call as to whether that person's expressed feelings (whether "justified" or not) are more important than your continuing to engage in a certain behavior. And I, for one, don't see that when a woman you love is asking her husband stop viewing porn..is it worth eventually ending a marriage over? However, you ultimately decide which path you will follow over this issue in your marriage. What you choose are the consequences that accompany your choices. Good luck to you both.
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reader, hannieseds  +, writes (12 June 2006):
 Wow Yos! How interesting! :o) xxx
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reader, Yos +, writes (12 June 2006):
Porn effects relationships negativity, it can damage self esteem, it distorts sexual behaviour, and it demeans women. I say this as a man who has seen a lot of porn, and have experienced the damage it can cause. Once I realized the effects it was having I have cut it out of my life, and my sex life has improved noticably because of it.
As a man it is hard to accept this. Porn feels good, and feels separate from our relationship(s). We don't naturally see the connection between porn and our behaviour in our relationship, or how it effects us in general. But it does change us, and not in healthy ways.
Here are some of the problems it causes:
- Porn raises the level of what is required to turn us on. It results in us being less turned on by our partners that we otherwise would be. If you look at a lot of porn you'll probably find that you have to summon up porn images in your mind to really turn yourself on whilst having sex with your partner.
- We have 'sexual scripts'. These are ways we feel we can behave when having sex. Watching porn creates new sexual scripts in our minds, and closes out old ones. These new sexual scripts are based on copying the things we see in porn, things that are generally unrealistic and demeaning to women. Porn emphasises the extreme and the physical, which is NOT good sex, and especially is not sex that is female-friendly. Porn is very much based on the male / power version of sex. For example, do you really think women like having a cock taken straight out of their ass and put all the way into their throat? Well if you believe porn then you'd think they all love it. What is more, if you look at enough porn you'll catch yourself wanting to do it... do you really want those beliefs or urges?
- On an almost 'animal' level, viewing pictures of attractive naked women lowers our emotional connection to our partner. As men we are programmed to want to have lots of sex with other women. Our brain (subconsciously) does not really differentiate between real women and pictures of women. Looking at porn is essentially telling yourself "there are lots of sexually available young attractive women that want to have sex with me". This message works against the part of our brain that is telling us to stick with our partner and be monogamous. This has been extensively researched and tested, but the summary is that looking at porn reduces your love for and commitment level to your partner.
- The porn industry (generally) preys on women with low self esteem. If you look at the history of most porn performers you find people with abusive childhoods from broken homes. Do you want to support this, do you really want to use these people as a source of your sexual energy and inspiration?
There's lots of good writing on this subject, if you want to read some more about this here are some links:
http://nymetro.com/nymetro/news/trends/n_9437/
http://bitingbeaver.blogspot.com/2005/11/women-and-pornography-my-story.html
So you have to ask yourself: do I want to look at porn knowing that it really upsets my wife, and that it has a negative effect on my relationship and on my subconscious attitudes towards women and sex?
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female
reader, hannieseds +, writes (11 June 2006):
Hey there,
Most woman find porn very very offensive and it leads to this very problem - us thinking we're not good enough for you if you NEED to look at other boobs and beautiful porn-woman legs. I think this is a big problem for a lot of couples, as a lot of questions have been asked about it on this site.
I agree totally with smiler here. YOU need to help her in every way you can, get her confidence back because indirectly you are the one who destroyed it. Definitely get HER to delete the images off your computer so she knows that they are gone.
You don't seem too fazed by the fact that they aren't going to be on your computer anymore? That tells me that you CAN live without them and that your wife's happiness and self-esteem is more important than anything else, so just take this as a learning curve that you never want to hurt your wife like this again.
Take solace in the fact that you said your wife is the world to you and you would do anything for her - that tells me the love you feel for her is so incredibly strong! That is awesome!
All you can do it keep reassuring her that those images were just images that you hardly looked at, and that you are more sorry that you've ever been for hurting her and making her feel like this about herself. Let your love for her shine through stronger than ever over the next few weeks and she will see that this was just a bump in the road. The quicker and easier you two can bounce back from this, the stronger your relationship is - just keep complimenting her and delete those images AND learn from this - everyone is allowed to make a mistake once, you would be a fool if you made the same mistake twice.
You two will be okay! You are young and in love - treat her like the angel she is more so in the next few weeks! xxx
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reader, Smiler +, writes (11 June 2006):
 Hey there
Well where to start here, i can understand your wife opinion here and just how much this has upset her, and i also understand that most men enjoy porn... but sweetie 99% of the time its better from a female point of view not to have this pointed out to you, kinda out of sight out of mind you see... well thats how i would feel i think at the minute your wife is probably feeling very low self esteem and has low confidence about how she looks or proforms in the bedroom... you need to boost her confidence again honey make her feel good about the way she looks compliment her buy her some sexy underwear maybe, i used to be exactly the same way very paranoid, its not that she has discounted your exsisting bond or love but once your confidence is knocked its hard to carry on as normal.. especially as she probably thinks that your looking at this porn on a regular basis even though your not... also some additional advice ask your wife to delete the images of your pc while your sat with her and block the computor so you can't download porn this will help her believe in you two as a couple again above all you need to convince your wife that you think she's stunning very sexy and that you still fancy her as much as you did when you first got together.. i think she just needs a helping hand to get her confidense back...
I hope my advice was able to help you out with your situation sweetie and good luck with this... if you ever need a friend or a chat or just more advice don't hesitate to email me sweetie, I would love to hear from you again and know how you got on... Remember i'm always here for you anytime ok
You Take Care Sweetie X
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