A
male
age
51-59,
*angah
writes:I've been married for 13 years, we have a 14yr old daughter and my wife has had Mutiple Sclrosis (MS) since 1996 and I had a 3 year affair with a woman that just ended and we have a daugther who turns 2yrs old soon. At the time of the affair, my wife and I were having serious, serious problems. The girlfriend snooped in my email and saw me corresponding with my wife and other emails that basically confirmed what the girlfriend thought for these years, I'm still with my wife. In addition, my mother has just passed and I'm in the midst of arranging those services. It is over between us but I've caused some real damage with the girlfriend emotionally. My wife doesn't know I have another child but I'm sure suspects me cheating. The girlfriend says I can't see the baby or be a part of her life. At some point whenever she is ready, I would like to be in my daughter's life but I don't want to cause more pain. Stress has alot to do with my wife's physical condition. What do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): I will find it difficult responding to this post due to me having experianced the impact of my husbands affair and how it effected my MS. Difficult because it is hard not to take your dilema personally.
I discovered my husband had an affair, he denied it, I struggled desperately with wanting the truth and had a major relapse which caused permanant damage. Stress as you say, can impact greatly on a person with MS. You will know the state of your wifes disease and how vulnerable she is to finding out this information. Deciding to come clean will be a biggy for you.
You have made a total mess of things which now are impacting on other people. The complication is obviously the child or your children now and how this is going to effect all concerned.
You need to consider some of the areas your concerned about, to unclutter things. Firstly you concern for the damage you have done to your girlfriend, it sounds as though you strung her along and lied to her some, but she knew you were married, had a family and still continued to see you, so she needs to accept that responsibility. Equally she needs to consider her pregnancy or child was the result of her actions too. I suppose what I am suggesting is consider that she was a willing and fully aware partner in this situation. Your wife, daughter and tis child were not.
You also need to consider whether you wish to stay in your marriage and start living and honest existance. If so, then some soul searching needs to occur with you. How come it was okay with you to have an affair. I am not talking about "my wife and I had serious problems" I am asking how come you chose an affair? What was it about you that made it okay to live with this deceipt.
See, if you don't know the answers to why you created this mess, your never going to convince anyone you really didn't give a shit. Fundimentally your okay with this type of behaviour, now your having difficulty is handling the mess.
Work out what it is your now trying to acheive, with your marriage, your children and you future. I think seeking some professional guidance in what is best for you wife and her health is desperately needed. This will cause damage - and you know it. How much damage wil depend on you, and how real you are now prepared to be.
If you wish to save your marriage, you need to think carefully about your loyalties and priorities. You also need to take on the consequences of what you have created.
Your wife may have MS, but it doesn't make her brain dead or stupid!!
A
female
reader, Susan Strict  +, writes (2 June 2008):
 I would suggest that whether or not you tell your wife depends on her condition. You will already know this, but for those reading this who don't, MS is a condition where the worst of the symptoms tend to come and go. For some sufferers it may progress fairly quickly, and for others there may only be relatively short periods when the symptoms are severe and it may be many, many years before it progresses to become severely debilitating. If the MS is very far advanced then most certainly you should not tell her anything that would cause her major stress. Keeping it secret may be by far the lesser evil of the available options and, difficult as it may be for you, if that is the case then I think you should postpone any attempt to become part of your younger daughter's life until much later.
You also need to consider the effect that all this will have on your 14-year-old daughter. It is hard enough for her to have her mother suffering from MS at the age when a girl most needs her mother. The impact of finding out that you had an affair and that she has a half-sister isn't going to be easy for her to deal with. You will need to do everything you possibly can to help her too, otherwise it's going to be even messier and more difficult than it is already.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (2 June 2008):
 What can you do apart from coming clean about what you have done?. It's no good lying because sooner or later you will get found out and it will be a lot worse. Your child cannot be kept from you if you wish to see her, but you must tell your wife first.
You have caused yourself a right pickle, and I cant see how you can get out of this sittuation. You are obviously a caring person and I'm sure you never thought it would all get so bad. But my advice would be to tell the truth to your wife, you owe her that. Its not like you can hide a child away indeffinatly is it?
Things will blow over eventually, time is a great healer. Even when they seem at there worst, it will get better.
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