A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok, i need help... my wife and i are in our first seperation, and i have no clue whos right or wrong or what to do. We have been married for 2 years and we only knew each other a year before. I absolutely hate to say this but we had a shotgun marriage because she was pregnant. Before we got married i mentioned that it wasnt the best idea to get married because of the baby, but because we loved each other, and it would happen sooner or later when the time was right. However, this was more offensive of an idea that it was a good one to her.. So,... i bought a ring and did the right thing.. I am 25 shes 24 we dont really have a lot in common but we definately love each other. or at least we did. she has a history with sexual abuse from her childhood and i feel like lately she has been putting me in those "shoes" so to speak. I helped her prosecute her childhood abuser in our first year. and i feel like she has changed so much since. She went from a very shy quiet woman without a lot of social interactions, then she blossomed into a very socially active adult with friends. She never had sought counceling for the trauma she went through. and if i ever mention it she gets upset with me... ok i am not a perfect peach by any means myself. Honestly i will admit that i am dominant and i find myself talking down to her, and i constantly am critisizing her. But i dont know why it comes out like that. i am only trying to adress issues that need work but i come off intimidating. i think i lost my wife in the last year. she has recently told me that she hates me, or the way i make her feel. And i dont want her to hate me. i am so lost i need advice please help
View related questions:
shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): Awwwww, my heart really goes out to you. It's horrible when a relationship with someone you really care for goes so sour. You want to set things right, but you don't know how - and that can leave you feeling deeply disorientated, disempowered, upset, and anxious.
I think your instincts are good. You realize that something is wrong, and you realize that blame for the situation doesn't rest entirely with your wife. This puts you streets ahead of other people in these situations, who don't have the bravery or self-knowledge to recognize that it takes two to fight! So props to you for that.
However, it sounds like there are three things going awry here: firstly, debates over the 'rights' and 'wrongs' of the situation; secondly, communicational issues, and finally trust issues.
The first two of these are connected. Sometimes asking the question: 'who is right?' and 'who is wrong?' actually does far more harm than good. Often, in relationships, there isn't a right way and a wrong way, but just different ways of doing things that are equally valid. It is often a mistake to get hung up on the idea that our perspective is somehow 'objectively correct' and another person's is 'objectively incorrect', because it can stop us from listening to them and trying to understand their alternative views. It can also be associated with a refusal to compromise, which can make people feel invalidated.
Secondly, perhaps the way that you are communicating with her is maybe pushing her away. You sound like a very practical person - someone who is constantly trying to sort things and 'address issues', with the very best intentions. I'm a bit like that too - when something's wrong, I like to fix it! However, the problem with this is that it can be a very authoritarian strategy: people like us can have a tendency to identify the problem, then decide what the 'real' underlying issues are, and then suggest a solution... all without even listening to the other person, who might have entirely different views about that problem, issue, and solution! The other person can easily start to feel excluded from this process, and begin to believe that you're not interested in their point of view, or listening to their ideas. At worst, we can come over as intensely critical and holier-than thou. With your girlfriend, the effect of this will be magnified if she feels that you are being condescending towards her. She has probably been feeling quite criticized, which makes a girl feel defensive, which, in turn, can lead to a feeling of being rejected and 'not good enough'. Eventually, if someone feels repeatedly pushed way, they tend to try and protect themselves from further psychological pain by going on the defensive. They start kicking out at the person who is hurting them first, for instance by trying to feel indifferent about a relationship, or by saying hurtful things like 'I hate you'.
Finally, there is the trust issue. When couples argue a lot, you don't need me to tell you that trust breaks down. I think you need to be very careful about how you handle your wife's history of abuse. She has clearly been through a terrible ordeal, but has amazingly emerged from it as a strong, social person. Bear in mind that each person handles trauma like that differently: some people want counselling, but it's not an easy or straightforward path, and others find that it's just too painful and difficult to undergo, or feel that they simply don't need it. Perhaps your girlfriend has found alternative coping mechanisms that work for her. It's very important that she feels able to get on with as normal a life as possible, and doesn't feel continually treated as a 'patient' in need of care because of her experience. It can be easy for victims of such terrible treatment to feel 'pathologized' by others whom they trust. You are undoubtedly advising her to get help because you care deeply about her, but it may come over to her as a way of invalidating her views, damaging her trust in you.
Let me give you an example: I saw a case where a caring couple were constantly arguing about every little thing. Whenever the wife got upset, the husband would tell her that she was reacting in that way because of her history of abuse. It made the problem so much worse, because the wife felt that she could never express completely normal anger or upset about something in the present without very difficult issues from her past being brought into the argument. She complained that her husband was always thinking of her as a mentally 'sick' person whose reactions and attitudes were therefore less 'normal' and more easily ignored. In the end, she started to equate her husband with her abuser, because she felt rejected and bullied by him .
I suggest that you hold a crisis summit with your wife. First of all, you need to express to her how very, very much you love her. I know that it's not easy to put that kind of thing into words, but she does need to hear how lost and how lost you are without her. Instead of arguing, you need to rebuild trust between you, and one key way of doing that is for you to show some vulnerability. She needs to know that you need her, but she also needs to know that you care for her and are prepared to put in any amount of effort to make the relationship work. However the marriage started - however coerced you felt into going through with it - you have come to love her like a true wife, and it's important she hears that commitment in your words and your voice.
You then need to make space for each other to communicate about what's wrong. This means doing something very, very difficult and very adult: essentially, you need to abandon the idea altogether that one of you is 'right' and one of you is 'wrong' in this situation, and accept the fact that your needs and the way you approach situations might be difficult, but are actually equally valid. You may also have to be able to listen to some very difficult home truths about your behaviour, without getting defensive or angry, or without telling her that she is misguided, wrong, or crazy for holding those views!
To choose a random example, if she says 'It hurts me when you tell me off for not tidying my clothes off the floor, and it scares me when you yell', don't respond with 'But you're so messy, it's disgusting! I've asked you so many times, and you just don't listen, so you make me angry'. Instead, you can say something like: 'I understand that the way I do this upsets you, baby. And I'm so sorry for making you feel intimidated. Whatever the situation with the clothes - it doesn't matter. What matters is that I've scared you, and I never want to do that. I will try not to be so bossy and demanding in future. As for the clothes - it doesn't really matter. Say, why don't we make a deal? Tell me a job you hate doing. OK, you loathe taking the trash out? Well, I'll take the trash out every day, if you pick your clothes up off the floor. Deal?' Showing her that you're listening doesn't mean giving up on core principles and values and letting her have everything she wants - but it does mean showing your care and attention, and then making some practical compromises like this to ensure that you are BOTH happy!
I know that this puts a lot of responsibility on your shoulders, but unless someone takes charge of this situation, you could lose your relationship. You sound like a really caring person, and also someone who is strong and sensible. I am sure you can figure out a way of reaching her, and re-establishing trust and communication between the pair of you. Good luck.
|
