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female
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*rincessPea
writes: We're been married for two weeks and I am already thinking of divorce... The month running up to our wedding was very stressful. Not only the normal wedding stress, but also becuase my husband lost a lot of money at work. Money which should have gone towards our wedding. This resulted in him working up until the day before our wedding and many corners cut at our wedding. I was very upset with him about this becuaswe he did not tell me exactly what was going on and kept avoiding the issue up until the very day of our wedding. Some things he did not even tell me he cut corners on, for example he made our guests pay for their own transport from our wedding to the reception without telling me! I found this very embaressing as I had told our guest it was all pre-booked. The driver of our car also had no idea of where we were going and was half an hour late. The ring my husband gave me was a cheap silver ring which doesn't even fit. He could not affort an engagement ring either. I thought these things did not matter - but now, in hindsight they really do! Anyway, at the ceremony the best man got all our guests drunk (something I had specifically asked him not to do) and later held an appauling speech at the reception. My husband did not sit with me at dinner and left the reception only an hour after getting there. Two hours later he came back - very drunk with his friends. At that point I was sitting alone watching some friends helping us to take the decorations down as everyone thought the party was over when the groom left. I had no strenght to say anything at that point. Finally we and the remaining guests went back to our house for an 'after party'. Again my husbands idea of fun on our wedding night. I went with it and thought I'd make the most of it as I really did not want to stir up an argument on this day. Once back at our house he left my side again and I saw very little of him until midnight. At that point I started making gentle remarks of how nice it would be to go to bed with my husband etc. He would not listen. Three hours later I lost my patience and asked the few remaining guests to please leave and to let us have our wedding night to ourselves. This was at 3am! Then I found the best man peeing at the front of our house. When asking him too to leave my husband lost it. I have never seen him so angry. He threw furniture around and tried to tear up our marriage certificate and called me all sorts of horrible names. Eventually he passed out whilst I was crying. The next morning he was very remorseful and sorry. I obviously was still hurt but tried to forgive and forget over the next few days. Mainly because I did not want to focus on bad memories of one of the most important days of our life but also becuase my husbands 86 year old father was still staying with us and I did not want to have a huge row in front of him. Also I did say to him he would have the perfect opportunity to make this up to me at my birthday in 10 days time. We did not go on a honeymoon, again because of money. My husband had originally planned at least our wedding night and the rest of the weekend in a luxury hotel in our city, but not even that took off. SO 10 days later it was my birthday. He did not say anything so I asked if we maybe should go out to a restaurant or something. He agreed that would be a good idea. During the meal he said nothing about a present or surprise. When we got home there was nothing. Not even a flower. I know he'd been struggling for money, but since he could afford taking his father around town when he was staying and since he could afford a meal out and various other things I thought at least a flower and a card would have been appropriate. But nothing. I had to ask if I was getting a present. At first he said he was going to give me one on Saturday, then that he had not had time to sort something out and finally that he had no money. We've been together for 3 years and he knows very well when my birthday is and could easily have planned ahead. Being so disappointed with his lack of response to my birthday (bearing in mind this was his big chance to make up for the wedding dramas) I am now feeling even more upset about the way things have been than I did before. I now feel he owes me big time. I am usually not materialistic. I believe in true love etc. But I am now at a point where I feel only a very expensive ring and some sort of extravagant surprise and many many red roses will make up for his behaviour. I guess I feel this way because if he managed to get this together it would prove his ability to work, save and spend on me alone. Also I feel it would at least be something of value to keep if this marriage fails! I have today set an ultimatum. Unless he in some way proves to me how much I mean to him before the end of this month I will cancel our marriage. I rather cancel it now before it's too late and we have to go through complicated divorce proceedures. I am feeling so scared that I have just made the biggest mistake of my life... In my heart I know how great this man is and how much I love him. Before the last month he was great and has always been. I have always considered myself lucky to have this man. But the month running up to our wedding and the last two weeks have been hell. What shall I do? I am so sad and depressed at a time which should be the happiest in my life. Any advise or thoughts would be very welcome.Thanks for listening...
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at work, cheap, depressed, divorce, drunk, money, wedding, wedding night Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2005): Dear P
So glad it worked out for you. Sounds like you have an awesome Mom. I wish you and hubby- many, may long joyful years together. Congratulations to you both and always be happy.
Hugs and Smiles,
Irish
A
female
reader, PrincessPea +, writes (12 September 2005):
Since posting my question a few days ago all has changed for the better. I've had a long conversation with my wonderful mum who helped me to see our recent dramas from a better perspective. Thanks for all your answers - some more insightful that the others! Seems like I must have come accross as rather selfish/childish in my posting... Well I suppose setting an ultimatum like that IS childish! But then again, with two stong temperaments and deep emotions that's sometimes what we become. Either way, my husband and I have kissed and made up and am now laughing about our unforgetable madness of a wedding! Lots of love, P.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2005): What should you do? You snap out of it, girl and move ahead and put this in the past? The stress you are causing yourself, is not worth it, hun. While I feel sympathy and compassion for what occurred on your wedding day and the events leading up to it, I have to ask-why are you can losing sight of what really matters? Focus on the fact that you're married and in spite of troubles, your husband and you have created a special bond that will last a lifetime. Time for you to refocus on what did go right that day. You did stand up in church. You did make a covenant before God to be life partners. A lot of wonderful things flowed from that. Try real hard to concentrate on what meaning the actual vows had for you.
Again, don't ever forget that your wedding lasted one day, while the marriage lasts the rest of your life. Learn to relax and focus on the future now and make many wonderful memories together with your new husband.
Relax, dear and please just have a sense of humor about this. It's done...it's over. Bad things happen in life to good people. Learn to not take the blunders so seriously. Things may go wrong, and you and your husband will experience more stumbling blocks, more challenges, more headaches, more heartaches... along the way as you start a new married life together. Bumps in marriages are not accidental. Relationships are our greatest teachers and this is life. It helps us grow and mature and learn. Remember to laugh about it. This may be hard to fathom right now, but these truely are the memories and stories you will tell your grandchildren someday.
Take care and be happy....don't dwell on stuff you can't go back and change. Concentrate on what lays ahead-your future!
Hugs,
Irish
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A
female
reader, tiggaroohoo +, writes (11 September 2005):
When entering into a marriage, it is for the best AND worst of times. Your husband must have had a lot on his mind regarding work issues and now you are adding marital issues. While I agree he should have confided in you about what was going on, maybe you were too wrapped up in the wedding to notice.
Finances take a long time to correct themselves so you shouldn't have expected anything on your birthday. Think back to the last 3 years you have been together. Were they good times? Offer to help with his finances so both of you can enjoy your future together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2005): You sound young... and this "marriage" sounds to me like you wanted to be a wife moreso that be a wife to HIM.
The best advice that I can give you is this:
Love is that condition whereas your happiness is dependant on the happiness of another.
It doesn't sound as if either one of you have this "condition". I'd suggest moving on.
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reader, pops +, writes (10 September 2005):
This is a new one. You think you have 30 days to " cancel" a wedding? You are married, and in most jurisdictions you can only end the marriage by a divorce( dissolution). The money for the rings, the wedding and the reception should have been available and set aside long in advance of the ceremony, and most caterers insist on being paid in advance. Same with livery services. Your husband has gone throuhg near bankruptcy because of reverses at work. Its obvious that whatever happened was so devastating to the business that it could not be reversed in 10 days. Why would you expect everything to change by your birthday? It sounds like both of you put to much emphasis on the " Wedding ", as a big ceremony and party, and not enough on marriage as a process whereby two people work, daily, to think and work as one. The Wedding is not some End Game, like going through the pearly gate into heaven, where you have it made forever. Marriage is hard work, and most ceremonies ask you if you will support each other through good and hard times. It doesn't sound like you are prepared to stay with your husband through his hard times. He has to be frustrated at the reversals, but he can't be too thrilled by your attitude, either. If you can't support him, do you both a favor and see a lawyer now. End the marriage, so both of you can find whatever happiness you desire, but with other people. You are obviously not working together: he is not, and can't talk to you about his problems, and you can't overlook all the dreams you had about the "perfect " wedding.
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