A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm 17, nearly 18 and I've been dating my boyfriend for about 3 and a half months. I was not a virgin when I first started dating him - I lost my virginity to my ex boyfriend - but my current boyfriend is still a virgin. At the beginning of our relationship we discussed this, we both accepted each other for our sexual differences and agreed to wait for 2 months or so. He told me I was very understanding for waiting for him and everything was merry.Before we attempted sex - though our relationship was great - I did notice that my boyfriend would never casually call me beautiful, say "good morning beautiful" or comment on how he finds me attractive. I've never had confidence issues, I'm a UK size 8/10, and I know I'm not at all unattractive. And I know I shouldnt be comparing my ex-boyfriend to my current boyfriend, and it's not even a major thing, but I always compliment his body and appearance and try to make him feel good, and it does get me down a bit that I don't get it back.When I attempted to initiate sex for the first time, I dressed up for him into a schoolgirl outfit and invited him to my house. I'd planned it so we had hours alone, could shower together, and be as romantic as possible for his first time having waited the time he wanted to wait. Having dressed up for him, I was really quite offended and made to feel unattractive, unsexy and fat when he turned me down. Yet I considered that it could merely be because he is only a virgin. So I bought some more lube and protection and this time I waited for him to initiate or suggest a date for sex.The next attempt was at his house, and I was really excited. I bought some new lingerie, shaved everywhere, and was feeling sexy and confident. Yet after showering with him, giving him a strip tease, touching and kissing him all over, giving him a handjob and also oral, he was unable to maintain an erection for any longer than 5 minutes at a time and as a result when he put the condom on he became soft and couldn't enter me. I know he's a virgin and it must have been nerve racking, but I honestly tried to make it as nice as possible for him - and all of this just made me feel like a fat lump. To make it worse, he suggested that he should go to the bathroom and masturbate to make himself hard, suggesting that he not only finds me too unattractive to sleep with, he doesn't enjoy any of the sexual favours I gave him. I know for a fact that my ex-boyfriend enjoyed all of these - and so I had serious doubts about how attractive my current boyfriend finds me. I feel like I'm getting nothing out of it. I don't ask for any oral in return even though I enjoy it (I felt that would be asking too much of a virgin), I'm giving him everything I can and trying to be a sexy, confident girlfriend but I end up feeling unattractive and not even getting sex. To make it worse in the end he just gave up while I was waiting for him to get hard masturbating and came downstairs fully clothed.The same thing happened again, a week later. Yet this time he didn't have to lose his erection - he couldn't even get an erection. He went off to masturbate again, barely paid my own needs any attention and gave up again.I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm losing all my confidence because my own boyfriend doesn't want to sleep with me and finds me too unattractive to touch. All my friends boyfriends are crazy about sex - I'm not like that though, I just want to share an adult and intimate sexual relationship with him because I think it would make us closer. I don't know if I should break up with him and find someone who calls me beautiful and makes me feel sexy and desirable - but aside from these issues I enjoy his company and conversation. I'd like to preserve the relationship if I could.What can I say to him to help preserve the relationship? And how can I ensure he stops making me feel unattractive?
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condom, confidence, erection, hand-job, kissing, lost my virginity, my ex, still a virgin Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Just.opinions  +, writes (6 August 2013):
From a psychologist's standpoint, this qualifies as emotional abuse. You pressure him to live up to your ex's model. You scold him about something he wishes desperately he could change. And you accuse him of "making YOU feel unattractive"? ...youve made him feel so much worse than hes made you feel. I gaurantee it.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 July 2013):
 Heh, you know, he may be the virgin, but you must not have a lot of experience either. You missed the entire point of first-time sex. It's so easy to get misled in the cliche of guys wanting the whole fantasy girl thing, that we forget that men actually have emotions too.
If all it was to him was to pop his cherry, he could go anywhere for that. He wants a real connection with you. Emotional, from the heart, a true joining. That gets lost in the performance, and you taking it personally becoming offended by his response is a tragedy. He's terrified and intimidated, and possibly may have become too used to his hand and masturbation. Many guys when they first use a condom go soft when trying to get it on. I felt bad for him when you said you sent him off to masturbate to get hard and got fully clothed while waiting for him.
He wanted to *BE* with you, not merely to have a down and dirty act. You were playacting the lover, not opening your heart to him. It's true, he may not be ready, but then again, he did go for it on more than one occasion.
You may have had sex before, but you are very inexperienced at lovemaking. When next you are with him, shed the elaborate ritual of shaving, showering, special outfits, strip teases, and explore him with the same wonderment and newness as he explores you. Every person is different. No matter if you're a virgin or not, every time with a new lover is The First Time. Remember, if he truly thought you were unattractive, he would have avoided sex altogether with you.
Let him initiate next time. Don't make orgasm your goal, and explore WITH him instead of putting on a performance FOR him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2013): I think he is probably terrified since you came on to him so aggressively the first couple of times. You should have spoken about it before you decided to have sex and both agreed the time was right, not sprung it on him then got upset because he wasn't ready. He probably feels like a failure because he wasn't able to perform for the first time, and your attempts to push him into it are making it worse now.Just because he said he'd be ready in a couple of months doesn't mean that you had to pounce on him the minute those months were up - if you look at that the other way around (if a man did that to a woman) everyone on here would tell him to dump him because he's pushing her to do something straight away and getting mad when she isn't ready. This is the exact same.As a final point, his inability to perform has nothing to do with how attractive you are either. He is removing himself from the pressure (ie your expectations of him) when he goes off to masturbate. It sounds as though you do have confidence issues if your confidence can so easily be torn down. I might be wrong but it sounds like you get your confidence from the sexual attention you get from men and now that you don't have that it's causing problems? Try to be more patient with him, slow down and take sex off the table right now. Get him excited about sleeping with you again not terrified and paralysed with performance anxiety.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 July 2013):
 I'm with Tisha-1
STOP pressuring him to "perform".
You are making this all about YOU and it's NOT about you. HE is just not ready for this.
So back off, let him set the speed.
Just because he is a teenage boy full of raging hormones doesn't mean he can't have performance anxiety, specially if he know you already did it and "know" what to do.
Relax!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (3 July 2013):
You way over did it for the first time. The second time as well, but not too bad. He may be feeling a lot of pressure to perform... I'd make his first time as spontaneous as possible... do things that get him in the mood and work up to it. But throwing it in his face like "tonight I'm going to make you a man!" is too much for him.
In the end you may be sexually incompatible, but before you decide you should leave him, be patient and wait for the right time to try again.
BTW, he sounds very selfish, and this seems to be more of a problem than a limp penis.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 July 2013):
 If you were a male, the aunts here would be telling you to back off and stop trying to force sexual activity on someone who clearly is not ready.
He's not ready to have sex with you. Why, we can't tell you, but you are trying way too hard and forcing him to do something he clearly doesn't want to do just to make yourself feel sexy and desirable.
Stop pushing him.
"What can I say to him to help preserve the relationship? And how can I ensure he stops making me feel unattractive?"
Stop pushing him.
To ensure he stops making you feel unattractive, stop giving him the chance to reject your sexual advances.
Back off, way off, in fact, I think it's time to go to friend mode.
I may be way wrong but having to dress up in some sort of fantasy outfit (the schoolgirl thing) for his first time probably indicates either that you are trying a bit too hard or he's got some fetish you need to fulfill. As you did the fantasy outfit thing and it didn't help the i think we can discount the fetish thing.
Back off, let him make the next moves. If he does not in the next few weeks then I think it's safe to say you aren't really compatible as sex partners, even if you mesh well as friends.
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