A
male
age
41-50,
*nclezak
writes:My wife gets so little housework done and I'm fed up of living in a dump. She's a sahm with a 6 and 11 yr old and really doesn't enjoy being a housewife. We're comfortable enough on my income, but not living a life of luxury by any means.She seems to constantly obsess about one part of the house as if it's a miracle cure, spends days/weeks looking and then maybe buys something. All the while, dishes are mounting, laundry is everywhere and there's barely any space to sit on the sofa. I think she needs to get out the house and get a job, but there's childcare to consider as well as the fact she will refuse to do any kind of unskilled job, and she doesn't have qualifications to get much else. She's considered going back to uni, but can't face the commitment. I'm a teacher and every holiday we spend a good portion trying to sort the place out only for it to fall apart again. EVen though our kid is allergic to dust mites, she rarely hoovers and it is me who gets fed up of the dust who will pull out the hoover and request she helps clear the floor. She may help begrudgingly. I can't remmebr the last tiem she wiped down the kitchen surfaces. I feel as if I can't relax and would feel loathsome hiring a cleaner. I don't help much with chores in the week due to work, but every Fri night I sort out the kitchen and do most of cooking/cleaning at the weekend. I feel our kids will grow up with such low standards of cleanliness if things don't change.Any tips on what I can do and how I can talk to her without sending her off the rails? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2016): Looking after two kids at their age is not easy. It means commitment 7 days a week w/o any release from tension and responsibility.That is if she is not addicted to her i phone like most of our women are these days, because the i phones have become a big curse on which most of our time is wasted.Try to talk to her nicely, and pull her and say let us wash the dishes together honey or let us do the washing I don't have any clean shirts and socks.
A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (28 March 2016):
 You have my condolences on this. It is always tough to deal with this, especially when you know your wife can do more.
The way I'd approach this is the following:
Tell her that you are struggling to get the house done and you recognize all the contributions she is doing too (even if you can't or she doesn't). Explain to her that you'd like to come up with a solution, together (that is key). Listen to the suggestions she has.
For your sake and sanity, it may be worth ponying up for the house keeper. Yeah, it is another expense, but your house will be clean and you'll have a bit more free time.
Unfortunately, not every stay-at-home-mom is a born house keeper and I am sure if she is educated and normally a professional person, house tending is probably at the bottom of her list. It also could be pure laziness, in which case, my friend, you are stuck.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2016): Check out the book The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up. I really did not know how to keep a clean house and felt totally overwhelmed, the book was a huge game changer. My husband and I both read it and and I finally feel in control of our space for the first time in my adult life!
As for your relationship, it sounds as if there's a lot of resentment right now about the division of labour. Are the kids in school? I think it's a real challenge for women who raise their children at home to re- enter the workforce as the work of caring for a family is really devalued in our culture.
Well, if you feel like your family dynamic is in a rut, she is probably feeling it too. If I were in your wife's position I would want to have an open and honest dialogue about our shared goals for our family and how we plan on meeting them - and that may include new personal and career goals for your wife as the needs of the family change.
I have friends who have a yearly meeting where they set very specific personal, career, and financial goals for their family, treating it almost like a business plan, and it really works well to keep them on track. Hopefully addressing the issues you have noticed from a supportive place and working together can help everyone go forward.
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