A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is a very long love story about me and my two lost loves.I had a boyfriend in college for four years. We were the loves of each other's lives, even though we drove each other crazy, and I always believed that he was the one. But after we graduated we moved to different cities (I went to a different country) to further our educations. We broke up because we did not want to do long distance, especially because the professions we picked really did not provide much mobility.After I moved to my new city, I eventually met a guy who I started to hook up with and eventually date. I fell in love with this new guy but did not admit it to myself because I had always thought I would one day get back together with my ex and marry him. A year later, an opportunity arose where I could choose to join my ex abroad on an exchange program. I really wanted to go to abroad for personal reasons, but also wanted to take the opportunity to find out if I really was meant to be with my ex. I made the choice to go abroad, even though it was very difficult to leave my new relationship.While abroad, I spent most of my time with my ex and I realized that I loved him still, but I also saw more of his flaws. I also realized that I was happier day to day with my newer relationship. However, I thought to myself, I have made my choice. I will stick with it. I will give long distance a shot.When this foreign stint was over, my ex and I each returned to our respective cities in our respective countries. I thought that going abroad would have ended my confusion about the two guys, but it just made it worse.In addition, when I asked my ex if we should give long distance a shot (keeping in mind that we have no definite time frame in which to be together in the same city again), he said it was probably more practical not to. I agreed logically, but I was very sad that I had given up a wonderful blossoming relationship to find out if I had any future with him, only to have him back away and give up.What makes it worse is that now that I am back in this city, I see the guy I was with here all the time. And it is painful. I know I really hurt him by leaving him, and I know that I am still confused about my feelings for the both of them. But I also know that I love him just like he loved me. I desperately want to be with him. Even now, even after I left him for my ex for six months, he is still exceedingly good to me.I also think that I might just be vulnerable and confused now, and that getting back together with the guy from this city would be a horrible idea because it would hurt everyone involved. In addition, I doubt that he would even take me back because of how much I've hurt him. And it would be terribly unfair to my ex, especially because I think I still love him too, even though I feel like I will never be with him again (logistically, emotionally).I have been miserable. I had two guys who loved me and who I loved back, but I now have neither of them. What can I do? Is it really a terrible idea to try to get the new(er) guy back? Is it even possible? Has this type of thing happened to anyone else before?
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broke up, fell in love, get back together, long distance, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): You're very welcome. Glad we could help and make you feel a bit better about this tricky situation.
You're younge, and you've already had two very intence relationships.... So you're obviously not sore on the eyes, and are a nice and smart person, so I'd be confident you will end up happy, either with one of these guys way.... WAY down the line, or with someone new.
So don't worry, relax and enjoy your life. In time you will feel better. Good luck. x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): Thank you for both of your advice. I knew that I should be taking time to figure things out myself right now, and it helps to hear other people say that. It's so hard to control my emotions and temptations, but I know it is the wise thing to do. I just hope this feeling gets better with time. And maybe I will be able to find a new love one day? I am trying to open myself to the possibility. Thanks again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): This is a really confusing situation. I know that in your heart you are torn, and honestly I don't think there is anyone here who could make a judgment on who you should be with, or what you should really do about these two guys.
The only advice I can offer, is that you spend some time by yourself to figure out who you are and how you feel. Stay single for a while to figure out what and who it is that you truely want. You might find in a few years, that you meet someone you are even better suited to and KNOW that they are the one with no question of the two guys who are in your heart right now.
Try to relax and enjoy your life without a boyfriend. Then maybe you'll figure out in time who it is that you really want. Only you can make this choise... And I think it is going to take you a little while to figure it out.
I think it would be a bit unfair on the second guy if you got back with him right now, because, at the moment you don't really know if you would stay with him or not... And if the first ex decided he did want to give it another shot, I think you would leave him again, which would be even more painful for him.
You need to give yourself time to figure this one out for yourself!
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (13 September 2010):
It sucks how things worked out for you, but that's generally how relationships work out. You often love each other, but somehow it just doesn't work out for many different reasons. The thing that is probably the most troubling is that you gave up your newer relationship that was good, to try with your ex, but then he didn't want to make it work. You took a chance, and it didn't work out.
I would strongly advise against trying to get together with either of these people. You have feelings for them both, and if you do get together with one of them at this time, chances are you will still feel conflicted and confused and end up hurting those involved. Take some time to be by yourself, reflect, get to know you on your own. And with time, maybe you can try again with one of them, when you are more sure. Or maybe you will just close the door to a relationship with them, and go out and date someone new. Just don't jump back into anything with either of them or anyone while you are still so unsure.
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