A
female
age
36-40,
*enada846
writes:I have written here a couple of times asking for advice since I'm going through a real tough time- and would appreciate advice again - I was in a brief relationship with a man that basically was a total jerk to me. through therapy in the last three months I've been able to realize that everything I did was never enough because he was a selfish man and only cared about his needs and wants. Although I have accepted this - I still find myself in the pattern of thinking - oh gosh what if I had done this would that have happened or if I had done this that could have been avoided- I'm still going back sometimes and my therapists says blaming myself even though he says there is nothing that could have prevented him from acting like a coward cause he was. I have tried to gather my self and throw myself at work or anything to keep my mind off but it still drifts to him. I realize that a man that breaks up over text and a man that throws your belongings without a warning is not a nice man; but I don't understand why I need closure - it seems that I only move on when I find someone else and this cycle repeats and I'm just so tired of that - any advice would be great- I feel like a fool it's been three months - it's clear he has moved on in social media - and here I am hurt about a short supposed relationship
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 September 2016):
 Denada: The situation you've described.... your difficulty at banishing this guy from you life.... Remember this: IF you don't give up and forget him/her.... THEN you are giving them "Free Parking" in your head.....
Save your sanity by forgetting him and moving on with your life... Times will be much better in the future....
Good luck...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2016): I understand what is happening to you, you have trauma bonding. I advise you to look up Stockholm Syndrome and narcisstic abuse. You will read and hear and then begin to understand why you still feel a sense of attachment and loyalty to someone who was horrible to you. Most people don't understand this.. MANY counsellors have no idea. Telling you to just get on with life doesn't help because it is not a normal break-up. How do I know this? I have been there and am THANKFULLY healed. Go check out those resources. With love and light, J x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2016): Okay, we have established he is a bad guy. So why are you still playing his victim?
It has now come down to dramatizing, my dear. Don't get caught-up in the blame-game. He's human and he has faults just like you do. He's not the devil.
Relationships sometimes don't workout, and it doesn't take rocket science or a therapist to figure that out.
Therapy is wonderful. It helps us to introspect, and look into our psyche to see who we really are. Therapy also gives us a means to address the buried issues that prevent us from healing or functioning emotionally. It helps us to come to terms with our pain and the things we try to avoid, but need to face.
It does not substitute for common-sense or maturity.
Constantly dwelling on situations that are over and done with, will drive you insane. You are caught-up in romanticizing and creating unrealistic relationships in your mind, then you attempt to make them happen in reality.
When they don't workout that way; your world is turned upside-down, and you go to pieces. Now you have yourself painted as this poor vulnerable victim and can't just let it go. Don't you see that you can now recover? He's gone! You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.
You have survived it; but the only thing going on now is your rehashing the whole situation in your mind. Stop playing reruns of that soap opera in your head. Shake it off. Don't waste your money on therapy, if you're not working from the inside out. At the end of sessions, write down the advice given by the therapist. I'm sure you are given exercises and affirmations to help you. Use them and put them into practice. Flex your muscles, you're strong.
You've come out on the other side of that badly-ended relationship. Celebrate!
Are you listening to the therapist, or simply paying a therapist to listen to you? It is only effective when you put their expensive and well-trained advice into practice.
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A
female
reader, malvern  +, writes (13 September 2016):
 The bottom line is that this man just isn't worth your time. I am sure that he will not be wasting his time thinking 'what if I'd done this better, what if I had said this to her instead of that' etc.. He's moved on and so should you. Count yourself lucky to have escaped. Once you meet somebody nice you won't even give this man a second thought, it's only because you're at a loose end that you spend time thinking about him now. Here's a little saying - The man who is truly worth your tears will never make you cry'. The best thing to do right now is contact your girl friends and go out and enjoy yourself.
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