A
male
age
41-50,
*lueguy
writes:Afternoon all.. so I remarried 15 years ago and my older son is now 19 and I think he’s been hitting on my wife and I’m not sure what to say Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2019): Why do so many young men mistreat or disrespect women? The lack of decent fathers and positive male role-models. All they have to go by are athletes, celebrities, their stupid buddies, social media, and porn. Many raised by single-mothers, with no upstanding male-figures in their lives. That's no slight on strong women; it's a slight on no-count men, who are nothing but sperm-donors and absentee-fathers!!!
My dad taught my brothers and I how to behave and treat our mother, sisters, and women. My sisters expect respect from men and their husbands. Why? Because we had a father who set an example for us! He did it out of love, and he was a man of integrity. My mother died when she was only 42. Dad never remarried; but he did hire a nanny. The youngest was only two.
Your wife says you're overreacting. Perhaps she's underreacting to her step-son flirting with her. I wonder how she would feel if she had a daughter your son's age hitting on you? Sometimes the shoe has to be on the other foot to change perspectives.
The behavior is still inappropriate; whether she's flattered by it or not. You don't like it! You have the rights of a father, and a husband, to set your son straight.
This world has lost all sense of propriety, responsibility, and common-decency. Some things are wrong, and most young-men don't even have a father who even bothers to acknowledge them; let alone guide and mentor them. Your son has a dad, so be one. How is it wrong to tell your son it isn't appropriate to hit on your stepmother? How is it? You don't have to be harsh, just teach him boundaries.
A
male
reader, Blueguy +, writes (24 November 2019):
Blueguy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI will speak with him and explain boundaries more clearly although my wife says I’m completely over reacting and that I must not trust her
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 November 2019):
 I think if your wife is aware and can handle it, I would let her do just that. However, I might also pull him aside and tell him it's really disrespectful to his stepmom to behave that way.
Because that might not BE his intention at all (being disrespectful). However, the attitude that ANY female is OK to "hit on", EVEN someone as close as your stepmom, it's not a good attitude to go out into the big world with.)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2019): Sir, you see a matter getting out of control. He's YOUR son, and you don't like the behavior. Shut it down. Let your wife feel what she wants to feel, and you act on what you think to be right.
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A
male
reader, Blueguy +, writes (20 November 2019):
Blueguy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo she isn’t offended by it at all she thinks it’s normal that he’s attracted .. but has toned down her evening attire now that she’s aware of his interest
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2019): If your wife told you that it is not a big deal, then why are you determined to make it such? Do you not trust your life partners judgement in all matters sexual? I would hope that you would know that even if your son ever tried to get frisky with your wife, that she would shut him down, right out of the gate! Let her be your wife and his stepmother OP. She has to handle this alone, unless she comes to you, to ask for your backing and help! If you interfere in this matter, you are userping her right to show herself as the authority figure, that a stepmother should be! Remember OP, a marriage thrives on mutual trust!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2019): She shouldn't encourage nor condone her stepson to treat her in any-way, but as his stepmother. It isn't appropriate to make advances or flirtations towards a woman married to your father; and assuming the role of a "mother-figure." By all accounts, she is his second-mother! How he prefers to see her, may be a whole different ball of wax! You get to influence his behavior by informing him of how you want her to be treated. Imagine you hitting on his girlfriends, or his wife! Would he like that?
You are a parent, and a father. You are a man, and a husband; hence, you set the example of proper male-behavior for your son.
Irrespective to generic compliments about her appearance; which you judge according the context and intent. She isn't blood-related, but she is a married-woman; and assuming, somewhat older than he is. Which, in itself, requires his proper respect. If it's okay with his own father's wife, where do you draw the line?
Dear sir, modern-society fades the lines and parameters of decency and respectability. It's up to you, if you feel the behavior is disrespectful. You're his father, and you set the example for your son how to treat women with due respect; especially the woman you've chosen to be his mother-figure. It may be okay with her, but it is not alright with you. That doesn't dismiss the fact that it is inappropriate.
A lot of indignant young-male behavior is porn-inspired; and dances too close to indecency and vulgarity. The "MILF" characterization or the "cougar" is often represented among popular pornographic-scenarios; that make even objectifying older or elderly-women an acceptable fad or fetish. Aiming sexual-innuendo towards mature-ladies; and stripping these women of their shield of respect and dignity. Testing the boundaries of how younger-men should treat women, regardless of age. It's nice to be complimented, but there are still boundaries of impropriety.
Let her deal with her own feelings about it; but you be the father and husband. Teach your son how you prefer he behaves around your wife. Just because many think being flirtatious towards your father's wife is fine; you have even more justification to stand-up for your principles about it. In this case, the woman involved is your wife; and the young-man involved is your son. As a husband, no man...son or otherwise...should be hitting on your wife.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 November 2019):
So she is not offended by it?
Even if it IS disrespectful towards her?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2019): She says it's not a big deal? Maybe to her it's an innocent crush. I hope so! I am 40 and I had a 19 year old at work who had a crush on me but he was very shy and embarrassed when ppl told me. He was never inappropriate, if anything he avoided me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2019): How do you know? Did she tell you, or is this from your own observation?
He's approaching maturity, and he's accountable for his behavior. Your wife should firmly deflect his advances, and you should back her up!
There's no such thing as being too intimidated to tell somebody living in your house (or visiting), around your wife and family, to knock it off!!! He's out of line!!! That goes for both you AND your wife! It's not flattery! It's not cute at his age!
You're his father. It's your job to mentor and guide him. You tell him in no uncertain terms to show his stepmother the respect that she deserves.
Don't wait until things get out of hand, and you suddenly lose it. He's too old for that kind of crush; and his behavior is totally inappropriate. It goes beyond disrespectful to both of you. She shouldn't have to feel uneasy when she's alone with your son; nor should she be flattered by it. He would get the wrong message.
I hope this isn't paranoid-suspicion brought-on by deep-seated jealousy, or ego-maniacal possessiveness.
You had better have solid evidence to justify such a serious accusation.
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A
male
reader, Blueguy +, writes (18 November 2019):
Blueguy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen I spoke with her she said it’s not a big .. she’s noticed and I should leave it alone
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 November 2019):
How does your wife react?
Talk to her first. It might just be banter.
IF not...
Personally, I'd take him aside and tell him to quit it, it's disrespectful to your wife. And to you.
Not to mention weird.
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